


The College Experience

by TheRoseIsTakenCareOf



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 18-Year-Old Harry, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Harry, Binge Drinking, Bottom Harry, Chaptered, College, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Dorms, Drunk Louis, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feminine Harry, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Harry in Lace, Harry in Makeup, Harry in Panties, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Zayn Malik/Liam Payne, Jealous Louis, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Liam Payne & Louis Tomlinson Friendship, Louis in Glasses, Louis in Sweaters, M/M, Minor Character Death, Niall Horan & Harry Styles Friendship, Panic, Panic Attacks, Roommates, Student Harry, Student Liam, Student Louis, Sweet Harry, Tattoo Artist Niall, Top Louis, University, University Student Harry, University Student Liam, University Student Louis, University Student Niall, binge eating, body image issues, larry stylinson - Freeform, lilac jumper, lilac sweater, purple jumper, purple sweater
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-04-14 14:11:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 58,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4567533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRoseIsTakenCareOf/pseuds/TheRoseIsTakenCareOf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis, an upper year Residence Advisor and sexy loudmouth aspiring journalist, pulls along quirky and anxious first year student Harry, determined to help him get the most out of college. The younger boy quickly learns that college isn't just about bad roommates and boring professors, but a place for getting hopelessly lost trying to take a shortcut in the dead of night, getting pulled up onstage in a coffeehouse, getting a bit tipsy and making bad decisions, and maybe even falling for someone entirely off limits. **Trigger Warning: Anxiety**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> There will be anxiety attacks in this story, please don't read if that upsets you! Also, H's symptoms are based off my own from when I was younger, but of course anxiety is different to everyone. 
> 
> Trigger Warning: I tried to put this in the tags but it's not showing up, basically L has a past where he has slept with people while drunk (***meaning not able to consent!!!*** even though he thought he was able to) this happens before the story begins, it's not between him and H, and it doesn't happen during the story, he talks about it a few times though. L also has body image issues and a past with disordered eating, and a mild binge eating problem. 
> 
> There's definitely some sexy scenes in this, but no detailed smut, so please don't leave comments asking for detailed smut scenes, it's not something I'm comfortable writing! 
> 
> Anyway, there's all your warnings- enjoy the story! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies! I hope you enjoy this :) Basically, it's a long fluff/angst uni au, so I hope if you like those you'll like this story :)

Harry clutched onto the handle of his overstuffed duffel bag, murmuring thanks to the cab driver as he paid him in a mix of crumpled bills and jingling pocket change.

Harry set his guitar case down on the pavement and adjusted the strap on his brown leather backpack as the cab pulled away. He couldn't carry his duffel bag, guitar case and decipher a campus map at the same time- Harry was too miserable at directions to try and get anywhere without a map. A bottle clinked audibly in his suitcase as he set it down. 

"Preston Hall," he said under his breath, trailing a long finger across the map in an attempt to locate it. Judging by the map, it should be... to his left? 

Harry sighed and crumpled the map back into his pocket- a near impossible fit with the skinny jeans he had on that day- and headed toward the nearest building on his left. 

As soon as he made his way around to the front of the building, he was attacked by a swarm of people in neon shirts, chanting things about Preston Hall. 

Harry bit his tongue to keep from laughing. 

One of the neon-clad girls rushed up with a clipboard. "Name?" she asked, brightly. 

"Um, Harry Styles," Harry said, peering over at the list, trying to see if they had anything written about him next to his name. Perhaps: Harry Styles... likes long walks in the rain and grey kittens. Sometimes sings the Lion King in the shower. 

"Styles... Styles... seventh floor!" she beamed, and the people around her cheered. 

Harry probably shouldn't have skipped out on his morning coffee today, he wasn't awake enough to deal with this level of pep. The only way she could be more enthusiastic would be with a set of pom-poms

"So if you could just follow him up to your floor-" the girl was explaining. 

"What was that?" Harry asked, realizing he must have dazed off while she was talking. Maybe he shouldn't be signed up for so many three hour lectures if he couldn't focus on a one minute conversation. 

"Your Residence Adviser- RA- is Louis Tomlinson?" she said, confirming he was listening this time. "If you just follow him, he'll help you get settled into your room." 

"Okay, which one's Lou-" Harry stopped when it felt like the air had been sucked sharply from his lungs. 

Jesus. 

"Can I grab that for you?" Louis asked, reaching his hand out for Harry's suitcase. 

"Yeah, that'd be great thank you," Harry said, a blush creeping up onto his cheeks already, knowing he'd been looking a little too long. 

It's not like he could be blamed though. Louis Tomlinson was... he was something else. Curvy but strong, smaller than Harry but with a glint in his blue eyes that made Harry instantly feel like he was melting, and with a stubble on his sharp jawline that Harry bet would tickle if he kissed you. 

Not that Harry was thinking about that. 

"Is this everything?" Louis asked, shaking Harry out of his thoughts. He was holding up Harry's massive suitcase with ease. 

"Mhm, that's everything," Harry nodded, and followed Louis into the building, and into the elevator. He was mentally kicking himself for how boring he'd come across so far. One cute guy and you forget basic conversation skills... great first impression, Styles. 

The two were in the elevator together now, and it was tiny and cramped and Harry was too aware of that. 

"So I'm Louis," the older boy smiled. "It's nice to meet you." 

"I'm Harry," he replied. "I'd shake your hand, but you're holding all my possessions at the moment so..." 

"We can hug it out later," Louis laughed. 

Harry's ears perked up at the sound of that. 

"What's your major?" Louis asked. 

Harry could already sense that he'd be asked that daily for the first few weeks. "Psychology, concentrating in social work. How about you?"

The elevator doors dinged open, and Louis let Harry step out first. 

Louis smiled, and lead Harry down a long hallway. "I'm double majoring in Journalism and English."

"Impressive," Harry said, looking around at the walls as they headed to his room. They were coated in brightly coloured flyers, advertising karaoke nights, tutors, book clubs, poetry readings, football games... "Is there always something going on here?" Harry asked, slowing down to try and catch the information from an open mic flyer. 

"Always," Louis grinned. "You could find at least three different things to do a day here if you wanted." 

"Wow," Harry said. "I don't know if I'm that... spirited." His eyes flickered to Louis' neon yellow 'PRESTON HALL' t-shirt. "No offense," he added hastily. 

Louis laughed, as he wriggled the key into the lock- Harry looked up at the door they'd stopped at. Room 722. "It's not always like this," he said, jiggling the knob before the door creaked open. "Everything calms down after about a week or two, then everyone's just locked away studying all the time. I'll have to get you out to at least one or two of the events though... gotta get the college experience, you know?" They stepped into the room, cement walls painted a milky cream colour with two twin beds and two matching desks. 

"Mhm," Harry agreed. "So living in an authentic jail cell is part of the experience I take it?" 

Louis laughed, and Harry noticed a dimple pop into his cheeks. "You get used to it." 

"Do you actually?" Harry asked. 

"Not at all," Louis laughed. He set Harry's duffel by the bed next to the window. "Guess you get the window side, since you're here first," he smiled, looking over at the second empty bed in the room. "Hope you get on well with your roommate. Don't believe all the awful college stories- most roommates are great... and if they're not, that's what I'm here for."

Harry took a deep breath, he was starting to feel a little overwhelmed. He'd always had sensory issues- everything was just brighter and louder and more intense to him, and it made new situations seem overbearing. He sat down on the bare mattress, reminding himself over and over, first day of college is not the time for a panic attack. 

"Here," Louis said, opening the musty blue curtains to let some light into the room. "Let me help you make your bed?" 

Harry nodded, and unzipped his duffel, rooting through for his sheets and pillow, hoping that Louis wouldn't seeing anything embarrassing in his open luggage like his briefs or panties or half empty bottles. 

Harry's sheets were plain grey and worn thin. Louis helped stretch the first sheet over the mattress, and then helped Harry smooth out the thicker blanket on over top. 

When they were finished, Louis sat down on the freshly made bed and hugged Harry's pillow to his chest. Harry took off his boots, and sat down next to Louis. 

"I wish I could just stay up here for a bit." Louis sighed, looking over at Harry, his blue eyes glimmering. "The whole chanting and hundreds of new people is all a bit much, you know?" 

"Oh, trust me, I know," Harry said, twisting his thin leather bracelet around his wrist. 

"Well, it was nice meeting you, Styles." Louis smiled, and left Harry's pillow on his bed, and dropped his room key on his empty desk. "Don't be a stranger." 

Louis left the room and Harry was entranced as he walked out. No human should look that good from the front and the back. 

Closing his eyes, Harry curled up on his freshly made, slightly lumpy dorm mattress. It didn't feel anything like home yet and he was more than ready to hide out for the rest of the day and nap until he felt less overwhelmed. He just needed a little quiet sometimes. 

His phone blared, and Harry let out a sigh loud enough to make his curls dance a little. 

He answered anyway. 

"Hey, babe!" Harry said, his phone tight to his ear and his arms hugging the pillow that still held Louis' scent. "I miss you too."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Louis tugged at the hem of his neon Preston Hall t-shirt, itching to get out of the cheap fabric and into one of his favourite comfy scoop necks. He checked his phone- it was just past seven when the meeting was supposed to start. Louis surveyed the room trying to count in his head to make sure everyone was there. There seemed to be about forty students, which was the number he was waiting on.

The common room was cramped with first years, talking nervously, acting nonchalant and scrolling through their iPhones and stealing glances at the stack of pizza boxes on the table. He looked over at Harry who was sitting quietly by the windowsill, twisting his thin stack of leather bracelets around his wrist. Harry was wearing a faded Radiohead shirt and his jeans were tight against his lean legs. He sucked his lip ring into his mouth playing it around his tongue. Louis knew that lip ring would be the death of him- Harry had delicate lips, blushed through with red like he were bit them too much. Louis didn't realize he was staring until Harry looked up at him expectantly and he remembered he was supposed to be making a speech. Louis tried to clear his head and focus on his job.

"So," Louis said loudly, clearing his throat and clasping his hands together. "I'm Louis Tomlinson and I'll be your Residence Advisor, or 'RA' for the year! If you need help studying, or want to know how to get involved on campus, or just need someone to talk to, I'll be the one to go to! I live in room 710 and you can't miss it, I've got a big sign out front." Louis laughed nervously. Harry was looking up with bright eyes encouragingly, even though the rest of the students seemed disinterested.

"Also, not saying anyone's going to have roommate problems, but if you do, I'm the one you need to go to. Just some basic housekeeping- everyone should have noticed by now the papers on your desks when you got here. There's some forms you'll need to fill out for a few different things, campus maps, important phone numbers, and the floor rules. I'll let you read through those on your own time and make sure you're following them, but just to draw your attention to an important one for tonight especially, there won't be any noise on this floor past midnight, alright?"

Louis looked around encouragingly. "Any questions?"

"When do we get pizza?" some guy in a hoodie called out.

Louis sighed a little. He was almost hoping for an actual question or two. He liked feeling needed. "Go for it," he said, motioning to the table.

After the students had grabbed their pizza, most of them headed back to their rooms in small groups, already too afraid to be caught alone even though it was the first day. A few awkward straglers left the common room, and then it was just Harry, picking up his pizza and placing it on his plate carefully.

"How's your first day going so far?" Louis asked him, smiling with relief that at least maybe Harry would want to talk to him. Did Harry want to talk to him? Louis couldn't seem to think straight since they'd been introduced. Everything about the boy was just captivating and... different. Harry Styles was just a beautiful mismatch of personality and Louis craved every bit of information he could seek about him.

Maybe it was his journalistic nature coming out.

Or maybe it had been a day and Louis needed to calm the fuck down about some boy he'd just met (even if that boy looked glorious in skinny jeans).

Louis bit the inside of his cheek. It was probably the second one.

"It's... good," Harry nodded, nibbling at the end of his pizza slice.

Louis tried to keep his eyes from trailing over Harry's ink covered arms, but he couldn't help it. "Nice tattoos," he said. Nice biceps, he added mentally.

"Thanks," Harry said, brightening up. "My friend Niall did them, he's trying to make it as a tattoo artist."

"I don't know if I could ever do that," Louis said. "I'd be too worried about messing up and then it would be on someone's body forever."

Harry laughed. "Oh, Niall's messed up a billion times." He twisted his arm at a weird angle to show Louis an unidentifiable blotchy tatt. "See this piece of shit? On me forever. I told him I wanted a cat but this is what I ended up with."

Louis laughed, sitting down on the couch, and Harry sat hesitantly next to him.

"By the way," Harry said, "I don't know if that was your way of saying you're scared of messing up at being an RA but I think you're doing a good job so far." He looked over at Louis, thick lashes framing his green eyes.

"Thanks," Louis said. "It's just kind of awkward, you know, because I want people to like me but at the same time, I need them to take me seriously when I start busting parties and stuff."

Harry smirked, and Louis could see dimples denting into his cheeks. "Well if you ever bust one of my parties, I promise to take you very seriously, Louis Tomlinson."

God, Louis was so gone for this boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Liam," Louis sighed into his phone. "I have a problem."

"Well hello to you too, Tomlinson." Liam laughed.

"Sorry, sorry," Louis said. "Hi, Liam, how's your day?" He bit his cheek, smiling as he listened to his friend on the other end of the line.

"It's been uneventful so far, thanks for asking," Liam said, and Louis could practically hear him pacing. Liam always wandered circles around his place when he was on the phone. "Okay, you can get on with your story now."

Louis wished he had a chord on his phone so he could twirl it around his fingers like he used to do when he was little and he would talk to his grandparents on the phone. He settled for twirling a pen between his fingers. "So, there's this guy-"

"Louis," Liam said, "There is not, don't do that, you have horrible taste in men. I thought we agreed, no more boy talk until you start respecting yourself."

"No, this one's different!" Louis insisted. Harry wasn't just some guy he'd met at a bar that wouldn't call him in the morning. "And stop sounding like my mom," he added huffily.

"Okaaay," Liam said, sounding wildly skeptical. "Where did you meet him? I thought you were stuck in the dorms for the first week in case any of the first years needed- oh. Oh! Jesus. Louis!"

"Liam," Louis replied calmly.

"He's not-" Liam warned.

Louis cringed into the phone. "Hypothetically, say he were a first year-"

"He's not." Liam insisted.

Louis groaned and faceplanted into his stack of pillows. "Am I going to hell for this?"

"For being a bad RA?" Liam laughed, "I doubt it. Just keep it in your pants, Tomlinson, you know the rules."

"I should have just lived with you," Louis muttered, picking at a hangnail.

"Probably," Liam laughed. "But it was like your dream to be an RA, so just... I don't know, just try to be friends with the kid, be normal."

"But he talks to me a lot more than the others do," Louis said. "Should I just stop talking to him, or?"

"No, no," Liam said. His pacing sounded faster now. "He might need that, that's what you're there for... just don't push him away, but," Liam sighed. "What's his name anyway?"

"Harry," Louis said, loving the way it felt on his lips. "Harry Styles."

"Harry Styles," Liam repeated. "You sound pretty far gone, mate. Also, may I remind you, it's been a day. We agreed, no more of this 'maybe he's the one' bullshit every time you meet a cute stranger."

"I know," Louis muttered into his pillow. Maybe if he stayed facedown long enough he would suffocate his way out of his problems.

"Just think," Liam said. "He's probably straight anyway."

"Oh that's true!" Louis said perking up. But for whatever reason, he couldn't picture Harry's lean body and delicate lips pressed into a girl.

Louis couldn't stop picturing that lean body pressed up underneath his, those delicate pierced lips forming an O shape as they tried to moan his name, cheeks flushed and eyes darkened, Louis' tongue tracing along the shapes of his tattoos.

Louis felt like his worst fear was coming true.

He was a terrible RA.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"What's wrong with you, huh?" Liam asked, kicking Louis in the shin. "You're pretty moody for a guy who's winning at Mario Kart."

"Harry hasn't talked to me in a week," Louis sighed.

"Oh no." Liam said, his eyes wide. "What a tragedy that the guy you're supposed to stay away from is doing all the work for you and making your life easier."

"No, it's not like that," Louis said defensively.

"Should I break out the ice cream so we can talk about our feelings?" Liam asked.

"Fuck off, Payne," Louis said. "I'm being serious."

Liam sighed, and turned to face Louis, his brown eyes watching Louis intently, pausing the game when he could sense Louis' shift in tone. "Okay, talk to me then."

"Well the first night the first years moved in, he came to my room at, like, four in the morning." Louis started.

Liam raised his eyebrows but didn't interrupt.

"And he was having trouble breathing, it was a really bad panic attack... he was crying and he just wanted someone to hold him and talk to him, so I did," Louis said while Liam listened quietly. "And he opened up to me a lot, and he was just so close to me and then I sent him back to his room and he seemed fine but he hasn't talked to me since. He just says hi when I bump into him in the halls." Louis thought about the past week and how many times Harry had awkwardly shuffled past him in the halls, barely making eye contact with Louis as he left for class.

"I think," Liam said, weighing his words carefully, "I think sometimes when people have panic attacks they tell you more than they would if they would have normally told you... you know? Like he probably wouldn't have opened up to you so much on the first day if he wasn't panicking. You were basically a stranger and now he probably feels awkward about telling you so much."

"So now that he's back to feeling he's embarrassed about telling me everything?" Louis asked.

"That's my best guess," Liam said.

"Then what am I supposed to... urghh," Louis groaned. "I hate my life, can we trade?"

"Nope," Liam said, grabbing for the bowl of chips. "I don't care how much you're getting paid, I'd literally never move back to a dorm room. I mean, public showers," he shuddered. "I like being able to do laundry without having coins on me and shower without sandals on."

"I just want to talk to him again, I don't want things to be awkward forever." Louis sighed.

"Why don't you ask him to the open mic tomorrow?" Liam asked.

"Do you think he'd go?" Louis asked.

"Probably," Liam said, "I mean, you might not get him onstage but at least he'd probably be down to listen. You still up for playing 'How to Save a Life' with me?" he asked, restarting the game.

"Yup," Louis said, grabbing a handful of chips. Even as he demolished Liam in Mario Kart, all he could think about was the green eyed boy down the hall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oops," Harry said, bumping into Louis in the hallway. He had a small stack of textbooks in his arms.

"Hi," Louis said, smiling nervously. "Where are you headed?" Saturday afternoon was a strange time to be wandering around campus with books when it was only the first month of school.

"I wanted to get some of my readings done for the week," Harry said, sucking on his lip piercing.

"Oh, that's a good idea," Louis said. "Um, so there's this thing on tonight at Hal's-"

"The cafe in Anderson Building?" Harry asked, his nose scrunched up a little as he tried to remember.

"Yeah," Louis nodded, smiling. "They're having an open mic tonight. You play guitar, right? You should come."

"Um," Harry said. "Yeah, yeah, maybe. I just was going to read maybe one chapter first-" he was avoiding making eye contact with Lou.

"We can study together!" Louis suggested. "We can study and then go?" Don't oversell it, Tomlinson, he thought to himself. He knew he shouldn't be pushing Harry so much, but God, he just needed to make sure he was okay. "You promised you'd let me drag you out to a few of these things, remember?" he smiled.

"Okay," Harry said hesitantly, and headed in the direction of Lou's room.

"Oh are we-?"

"What?" Harry asked, sucking on his lip ring again.

"I thought you'd rather study in the library," Louis said.

"We can, I'm sorry I just thought-"

"No, it's okay!" Louis said, "My room's just a bit of a disaster zone," he laughed.

Louis fumbled with his key as he opened the door. He didn't know why everything felt so forced between him and Harry.

Harry relaxed as soon as Louis opened the door. He accidentally let out a loud laugh and covered his mouth with his hand, blushing afterward.

Louis glared, his blue eyes narrowing.

"You're still living out of boxes?" Harry asked, his eyes practically watering with laughter. "Lou, it's been almost two weeks."

Louis tried not to laugh but he couldn't help it.

He cleared off the papers from his desk into a tall stack while Harry walked over to the window to open the blinds and pried the window open a bit. He quickly smoothed out Louis' comforter, trying to be subtle about it.

"Are you making my bed?" Louis asked.

"No," Harry lied, fluffing up the pillows.

"Neat freak," Louis smirked, sitting down at his desk.

"Hoarder," Harry retaliated. His eyes flitted over to Lou's dresser. "How long has that pizza box been there?"

Louis uncapped a pen with his teeth and opened his notebook. "I'm sorry, are we here because a certain overachiever wanted to study on a Saturday, or are we here to clean my dorm room?" He tried to be serious, but his lips turned up in a smile, his eyebrows raising like they did when he was trying not to smile.

"Sorry," Harry said, his cherry lips smiling, as he settled into Louis' bed. The cramped dorm was laid out so that Louis' bed was tucked into the far corner with the window, his desk pressed the exposed side of his bed, forming an L shape that allowed Harry to sit on Lou's bed and still be able to use the edge of his desk. Harry spread out his coloured highlighters and opened his Intro to Psychology textbook.

Louis looked up from his notebook. "I took that in first year!"

"Did you?" Harry asked, his green eyes bright. The late afternoon sun was spilling into the room, casting a soft glow on the younger boy.

"Well," Louis laughed. "Practically everyone takes psychology in first year. Psychology and German were really popular electives when I was a first year."

"Yeah," Harry said, nodding. "Like half the people on my floor are taking those."

"You're getting along with everyone here then?" Louis asked, tapping his pen against his notebook.

"Mhm," Harry nodded noncommittally, uncapping his pink highlighter and marking out a passage. "So... any groundbreaking tips for first year psych?"

"Yeah, actually," Louis said, turning his attention to Harry. "Can I have a look?" he asked, motioning to Harry's textbook.

Harry handed it over, and Louis rummaged through a stack of papers on his desk, pulling out a pair of glasses with thick black rectangle frames.

"You wear reading glasses?" Harry asked.

Louis sighed as he pushed them up his nose. "I know, I know. No need to poke fun."

"No," Harry said. "I think they're cute." He pulled out his phone, which was buzzing in his pocket and slid to ignore the call.

"You can take that," Louis said.

"Not important," Harry mumbled, putting his phone back in his pocket. Louis was amazed anything could fit in those tight jeans.

"Anyway," Louis said, flipping through Harry's textbook. "From what I remember... these two chapters are going to be the most important..." he grabbed some sticky notes from a drawer in his desk and marked off the chapters. "Also you'll want to pay attention to the lecture slides and videos, they'll bring stuff up like that in the exam to try and get people to lose marks for not going to class." He handed Harry's book back.

"Thanks," Harry smiled.

The two studied in silence for a while, Louis glancing over every now and again to see Harry's lanky frame bent over his thick textbook, long curls tucked behind his ears, highlighters in a neat row beside him. Louis tried to focus, but Harry was just so... pretty. His lips always looked so delicate, even with the piercing, and his curls were soft, some of them in wave with a few stray ringlets throughout.

A short while later, Louis' phone buzzed with a text. "It's my friend Liam," he said. "He's at the coffeehouse now, are you ready to go?"

"Yup," Harry said, capping his highlighter, and marking his page.

"Just give me a sec," Louis said, "I don't want to go in sweats."

"Um, okay," Harry said, looking out the window awkwardly.

Louis kicked off his sweatpants, stepping into a pair of black jeans with rips in the knees that he grabbed off the floor. He shrugged out of his t-shirt, and rummaged through his dresser until he found the shirt he was looking for. It was a white Stone Roses band tee, with the sleeves cut off.

He grabbed a pack of cigarettes from the top of his dresser, and slipped one in between his lips, pausing to ruffle his hair up a little in front of the dresser mirror before sliding his lighter into his pocket. "You ready to go?" he asked, taking the cigarette out of his mouth.

Harry was staring a little, and he looked down when Louis looked over, coughing a little bit. "Yup, I'm good."

"Kay," Louis smiled, feeling on top of the world as he grabbed his wallet and locked up his dorm, with the green eyed boy shyly following his lead to the cafe.

He could get used to this.


	2. Chapter Two

Harry stepped into the cafe. The lighting was dim and it hardly looked like the same place he stopped by when he needed a midday coffee fix. Someone had looped little strings of white lights across the exposed beams of the ceiling, and there was a raised platform in the corner that was crammed with guitars, mic stands, and tangles of cords. 

Louis tugged on Harry's arm gently, leading him over to where his friend was sitting. His friend was wearing a white scoop neck, with a faded jean jacket- the sleeves pushed up to show four arrow tattoos on his forearm, which immediately drew Harry's attention.

"Harry, this is Liam," Louis said, pulling out a chair at the small cafe table for Harry to sit down across from his friend. "Liam, this is Harry," Louis added. He turned his own chair backward and straddled it, resting his chin on the back of the chair, putting an unlit cigarette between his lips.

"Nice to meet you," Liam smiled. His brown eyes crinkled under his heavy eyebrows when he smiled and Harry relaxed. He didn't always like meeting new people, but Liam seemed almost... gentle. Like the type of person who always chose their words carefully. 

"I like your tattoo," Harry offered. 

"Thanks," Liam said. Harry was curious about what it meant, but he knew it was rude to ask when you just met someone. "I like yours," Liam replied, smiling. Harry was wearing a faded purple floral button down with the sleeves pushed up enough to see some of the scattered designs on his forearm. 

Harry smiled, and Liam passed him a coffee. 

"Hey," Louis said. "Why does he get a coffee? You literally  _just_  met him. You've got nothing for your best mate?" He fake pouted. 

"Cuz my best mate's an arsehole," Liam said, rolling his eyes, but he slid Louis over a cup of tea.

"Oh God, you're the best," Louis said, sipping the tea. He fidgeted in his seat, still playing with the cigarette in between his fingers.

"Oh, just go already," Liam sighed.

Louis smiled, pulling his lighter from his pocket. "I'll be right back," he promised. He turned to Harry, "You'll be good here right? I'll be back in five."

Harry nodded, sipping at his coffee.

"Liam," Louis said, standing up to leave. "Play nice, okay?"

Liam saluted Louis. "Will do, Captain."

Louis smirked, already lighting up as he left. Harry's eyes flickered back to Louis as he left. His RA definitely knew how to fill out a pair of jeans.

"How long have you two known each other?" Harry asked shyly, turning his attention back to Liam.

"Hm, like...  _threeeee_  years?" Liam said, stretching out the word three as though he were deciding whether that was the right amount of time or not. "We met in first year."

Harry's phone buzzed. "Sorry," he said, fishing it out of his pocket.

"No worries, mate," Liam said, sipping on his drink and looking toward the makeshift stage where some guys in beanies were rearranging the cables. 

Harry texted back quickly and set his phone on the table. "So-" he started. His phone buzzed again. He squeezed his eyes shut and sighed. "I'm sorry, I'm being an arse. Just..." he sent off a quick text. "I'll shut it off now, I promise. Full attention," he said, turning his phone face down on the table and resting his chin on his hand, his green eyes locked on Liam. 

Liam laughed. "It's no problem. I remember my mom texted me like, every five minutes when I was in first year." 

"Oh, that was my boyfriend," Harry corrected. "But my mom calls me like every night, it's adorable," he smiled. 

" _Boyfriend?"_  Liam asked, his eyebrows shooting up in shock. 

Harry felt his stomach turn and he looked toward the door, hoping Louis would come back soon. How could Liam possibly have a problem with Harry dating a guy if Liam's  _best friend_  was gay? Harry took a slow breath to calm himself before answering. "I have a boyfriend, and if you don't agree with that, it's fine, but it's who I am and we'll just have to agree to disagree."

"Oh, oh no!" Liam said, "I did  _not_ mean for it to come across like that.  _Jesus,_ Harry... I'm sorry it came out wrong! I was just surprised because Louis didn't mention you were seeing anyone."

"Oh!" Harry said, blushing, feeling like an idiot. "What did he say about me?" He asked, playing with the hem of his shirt. He could feel his cheeks flush as he tried to pretend it was just a casual question.

"All good things, all good things..." Liam winked as Louis came back and sat down at the end of the table.

"What are we talking about?" Louis asked, sipping on his tea as his blue eyes flicked between Harry and Liam.

"Talking about Harry's boyfriend," Liam smiled, giving Louis a look that Harry didn't understand.

"Oh," Louis said, raising his eyebrows behind his mug.

"Why don't you tell us about him?" Liam asked Harry. "What's his name? How long have you been together?"

"Um, his name's Cameron and we've been together since we were sixteen. We met in English class, we had to be partners on this stupid Macbeth project and then things just kind of went from there," Harry said, smiling faintly.

"I need another cigarette," Louis muttered, pulling another from his pocket.

Liam slapped Louis' wrist and Lou dropped the cig on the table. "Well he sounds wonderful," Liam said.

Harry nodded, feeling guilty about his phone, which was sitting probably full of unanswered messages. Things hadn't felt right with Cam in months and Harry had been flickering between holding on tighter and taking more space for himself, neither feeling right, both making him feel like he was doing something wrong.

"Are we going up soon?" Louis asked, restless in his chair, talking to Liam and not even glancing over at Harry.

Harry exhaled slowly, a small shaky breath as his eyes started watering. He wasn't going to cry, he just teared up a bit when he got frustrated. Louis had dragged him out of his comfort zone to this room full of strangers and then  _ignored_  him. Not to mention he'd brushed off the panic attack situation after it happened and had never made an effort to talk about it since.

"Hey," Louis said, finally turning to look at Harry again, his eyes crinkling a little with concern. "Hey, are you alright?"

"Mhm," Harry murmured, nodding, looking over at a guy who was adjusting the mic stand instead of looking at Louis.

"Liam, we'll be back in a bit," Louis said. "Guard my tea."

"Lou," Liam sighed. "No one wants your-"

"I said  _guard it_ ," Louis glared, sliding the mug in front of Liam. Louis turned to Harry. "Come on," he said gently. "Let's just take a moment, yeah?"

Harry nodded reluctantly, and took Louis' hand to help him up from his chair. He meant to drop it when he got up, but Lou had nice hands, small and delicate and warm, and Harry kept holding Louis' hand as they walked. Harry looked down at the floor and let Louis pull him off to a side exit, sitting down on the steps after closing the door behind him.

"How are you doing?" Louis asked. He turned to Harry, and Harry was stuck in the blue of Louis' irises.

"Louis, I'm fine," Harry insisted.

Lou waited a bit and Harry filled in the silence with a more honest answer. "I guess I just feel a little ignored," he said softly.

Louis gently took one of Harry's hands in between his and started massaging it gently.

"Jesus, Lou," Harry murmured, "That feels good."

Louis kept kneading into Harry's large palm with his thumbs as he spoke. "I thought you needed space. So I gave it to you. But it you don't..." Louis looked up at Harry, his eyes looking dark in the moonlight. "I can get as close as you want me to."

Harry shivered a little, his ink stained skin bathed in the pale moonlight. It was a little cold for September, and Lou was a little warm for someone who wasn't his boyfriend.

Harry felt everything pulling him toward everything he was pulling away from. He hadn't felt close to Cameron since the beginning of senior year. He remembered coming home from a night of smiling and laughing and taking photos with Cam at prom... as soon as he'd said goodnight, he'd closed himself off in his room, his body heaving with weighted sobs, letting all of his disappointment stain tears onto his pillowcase, letting his mask come off.

Harry wasn't even good at wearing that mask anymore.

Everything felt weighted, everything felt heavy.

"What's wrong?" Lou asked.

Harry had pulled his hand away from Louis and was clutching onto his stomach trying to hold himself together. He felt like he was split into tiny pieces that would float away if they weren't tethered.

"I'm a bad boyfriend," Harry whispered.

"I doubt that," Louis replied, rubbing slow circles on Harry back. "High school relationships sometimes are just meant to stay in high school... as a memory, you know? It's hard to be in a different place- to be a different person- and still expect everything to be the same."

Harry curled tighter into himself.

"I shouldn't pretend to know anything about your relationship," Louis said. "But I saw a lot of breakups when I was in first year, and all those people, three years later? You can't imagine how well they're doing now."

"We're not breaking up," Harry said, raising his voice to the point where it clashed against the peaceful hum of the evening sky that blanketed them.

"Shhh, I'm sorry," Louis said gently.

"No, we're not going to," Harry choked out, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself than Louis.

"I know, shhh... I know," Louis murmured. He smoothed back Harry's curls, and kissed him softly on the forehead. "I know, it's okay... you're okay."

Louis sat quietly, rubbing slow circles on Harry's back. Harry leaned toward Lou's warmth, shivering in his thin button down. He didn't know how Lou could still feel like a heat lamp with a sleeveless tank on.

"I'll be back in a second, kay?" Louis said.

"God, do you ever stay still?" Harry asked, his lips quirking up into a faint smile.

Louis shook his head, smiling. "Stay right here," he said.

Harry sat on the chilly steps as he waited for the vibrant blue eyed boy to return.

Louis slipped back through the door a moment later with a guitar. "Play for me," he said, handing it to Harry.

"What?" Harry asked. "Who lent it to you?"

"Not important," Louis said with a smirk, and Harry wondered if he grabbed it from someone's case when they weren't looking.

"You want me to play you something, like, right now?" Harry asked, stalling. Music didn't make him anxious, it was one of the things that calmed him the most- but serenading Louis alone the steps of a cafe was a little intimidating.

"Yeah, I do, Curly," Louis said, cracking his knuckles, and resting his chin on his hands. "Woo me with your artistry. Play me a masterpiece. Actually," he amended, "Play me a pop song or something. Something I definitely would have heard before. I want to be able to recognize it."

Harry smiled a little. "Will you judge me if I play a Katy Perry song?"

Louis laughed. "Depends which one."

"Dark Horse?" Harry asked.

Louis nodded, his eyes bright and patient, waiting for Harry to play him something.

Harry started playing, plucking out the notes, feeling his long fingers relax into the strings, knowing their way. The way he played the song made it virtually unrecognizable, but he hummed softly as he played and Louis started humming along with him for a bit, until he parted his lips and started singing.

Lou's voice was soft, breathy, and high and Harry was entranced that such a soft and delicate voice could come out of such a  _loudmouth_.

Louis' breathy little voice slunk in and around Harry's gentle guitar, and Harry could feel chills as Lou's voice wound through his music. Lou looked up at him with dark eyes, biting his lip a little when he was done.

"Wasn't trying to upstage you, sorry," Louis murmured, his eyes dark, and fixed on Harry.

"It's no problem, that was, you were, I mean," Harry stumbled over his words. He could feel his chest rising and falling as his heart slammed against the cage of his ribs.

The night was getting colder, but Lou was simmering warmer every second.

"You're amazing," Louis said softly, looking up at Harry. Harry had set the guitar down at some point, Louis didn't even remember him doing it. "Do you sing too?" Louis asked.

Harry nodded, biting his lip.

Lou saw his teeth graze past where the little silver lip ring wove through Harry's soft petal pink lips and he thought about what it would be like to have that cool hoop of metal brush against his tongue and...

"Should we go inside?" Louis asked, interrupting his own thoughts. He couldn't let himself think about things like this while he was alone with Harry and it was dark out and  _God_ it was like Louis didn't have any willpower.

It was like Harry didn't have a boyfriend.

"It's nice out," Harry replied. He was so close to Louis, Lou could practically feel the flutter of Harry's words as he spoke. Before Louis could prepare himself, Harry's head was buried in his shoulder, his long curls tickling his skin. "You're warm," Harry murmured into Louis skin. Harry's soft pink lips kissed a small spot onto Louis' neck and Lou let out a feathery sigh that melted into the moonlight.

The door burst open, and Harry lifted his head off Louis' shoulder. Lou felt a rush of cold air filling the empty space.

"Tommo, we're on soon," Liam said with a pointed look, propping the door open with his foot, waiting for Louis to follow. Lou picked up the borrowed guitar and let Harry slip past him, back into the cafe. Liam stopped Louis from going inside.

"You can't do that, Lou," he said, his voice low, making sure Harry was out of earshot.

"Fuck off," Louis muttered, trying to step past Liam.

"I'm being serious, Lou. He has a boyfriend."

"Oh even _you_ can tell that relationship is dead," Louis said, rolling his eyes. "His boyfriend's probably just waiting until reading week to break it off like every other long distance couple."

"Yeah?" Liam challenged. "What are you gonna do then? Lose your job over it?" As much as Liam tried to keep Louis in line, he could never pretend to be mad at him for more than a few seconds, and he broke into a small smile. "At least if you lost your job I wouldn't have to be putting up ads for a roommate," Liam laughed. "I'm not ready to live with some stranger from Craigslist."

Louis glared. "I'm not going to get _fired_ over this, Lima Bean, and we're not talking about this now," he said, and Liam let him pass.

"Lou, I'm sorry, alright?" Liam sighed. "I just don't want to see either of you get hurt here, 'kay? We're good?" he asked.

"We're good," Louis said, squeezing Liam's shoulder. "Also, I'm sure your Craigslist roomie won't be a murderer. Hopefully."

Louis hurried up onto the stage, setting himself up at the keyboard as Liam adjusted the mic stand.

Louis started playing, looking over at Harry as his fingers brushed the keys. Harry sipped his coffee, smiling over at him and Liam.

Liam hopped off the makeshift stage when they were done, but Louis took over his mic. "Harold! Up for it?" he called out.

Harry looked around, and pointed to his chest. "Me?" he mouthed, like there were a bunch of Harrys in the room Louis could be taking to.

"Yes, you, you idiot," Louis smirked, getting someone to hand over their guitar with a few snaps of his fingers and an eyebrow raise in the right direction.

Harry was a little scared of Lou's power.

They played the same song they did on the stairwell, but Harry sang with Louis this time, his low raspy voice sinking into Lou's high breathy voice. Harry felt bathed in the applause when they were done.

Harry was on top of the world as he hugged Liam goodnight, exchanging numbers, and as he stumbled through a weird pathway overgrown with vines in the dark with Lou because  _"It's a shortcut, Harold"-_  giggling on about nothing as Lou grabbed his wrist to steer him in the right direction.

He fell asleep with the buzz of the applause still pulsing his veins and Lou's soft voice humming through every out-breath.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So school's going well then?" Gemma asked, her voice a little tinny over Skype, but still familiar and relaxing.

"Mhm," Harry said, resting back onto his bed, turning up the brightness on his laptop so he could see his sister better. "I just handed in my first essay," he said, "but I think I did well, so it's not too bad."

Gemma pulled out a bottle of nail polish, and Harry rummaged through his desk drawer looking for his small box of polishes. "What colour?" he asked.

"Sorry, I'm Fizzy Today?" she asked, already rolling the bottle in her palms to warm up the polish.

"Oh, I like that one!" Harry said, pulling out the soft pink. He didn't like colours that were too dark, he mostly stuck to pinks or pastels.

"So you went to a coffeehouse thing last week right?" Gemma asked as she shook up the bottle.

"Yeah," Harry smiled. He smiled so much he may have giggled a little. He hoped his sister wouldn't notice it over Skype.

She noticed.

"What?" Gemma asked, looking up from her toes. "What happened at this coffeehouse?"

"Um... really good coffee?" Harry tried, painting a basecoat over his toes. He wiggled them a little as he waited for the first layer to dry.

"Did you meet someone?" Gemma asked, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

"Gem!" Harry said. "I'm still with Cameron!"

"He told you he wanted a _break_ ," Gemma said. She fanned her feet, trying to get the polish to dry faster. "No offense, but what do you think  _'break'_  means?" She looked up, turning her attention carefully to Harry as though she were trying to judge whether she'd taken things too far.

"It's just a break," Harry muttered. He started in on his first coat of polish, loving the cool feeling of the brush on his toes. Gem always got their mom to paint her toes when they were kids; Harry got jealous and cried until their mother noticed and painted his as well. When they got older, Harry still liked to paint his toes with Gem when they talked. He never painted his fingernails, not wanting anyone to see. Toes were easier to hide.

"Tell me more about this coffeehouse then," Gemma said, always knowing when to stop pushing Harry.

Harry smiled, waiting for the first coat of pink polish to dry. "I played a song with this guy," he said, hoping Gem couldn't see him blushing over Skype.

"Tell me about him!" Gemma said.

"Well he's got this amazing voice it's all soft and pretty and delicate but he's  _such_ a loudmouth in real life... we had a few pep rally things first week and my gosh does he ever have a set of lungs on him, but his eyes are like, blue but not like you know grey blue, but when you look up screen-savers from tropical places? Like those beaches that look photo-shopped? That kind of blue... kind of greenish blue, but like Windex- like an actual Windex bottle. And at first I though he was kind of all pulled together all the time, but I think that was just him trying to look professional for the first little while, 'cause he's actually all scruffy and he wears all these band t-shirts and he smokes which I _know_  is bad for you but maybe he'll quit... not for  _me_ obviously, why would he do that...?" Harry looked up from his toes, which he'd just finished the second pink coat on. They were glossy and pretty, and he could almost see his reflection in them.

Gemma was practically beaming.

"He's just my RA," Harry mumbled, realizing he'd been rambling. "It's not like  _that._ "

"It's definitely like that," he heard a male voice mutter from off camera, laughing a little.

"Wait, do you have a guy with you?" Harry asked, peering at his computer screen.

Gemma sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "I told you to be quiet or it'd kill the surprise," she said, turning away to talk to the guy that was off the screen.

"Sorry," Harry heard the voice mumble.

Niall popped up on the screen. "Surprise- I'm moving in with you!" He said, lifting his arms up and being overly enthusiastic, making Harry laugh.

"What?" Harry asked, still laughing. "I have a roommate already."

"By moving in  _with_  you, I meant moving  _closer_ to you, but like, that doesn't sound as dramatic." Niall clarified. "I'm bad at surprises. But like, same town though! I'm about a twenty minute bus ride from you? I thought I'd come on Gemma's Skype and surprise you, but I don't know if you're that surprised," he laughed and Gemma wandered off into a different room to let them catch up.

"No, I am!" Harry smiled. "Where are you gonna live?" he asked.

"Found a place online, some guy around our age needs a roommate 'cause he can't afford the rent alone," Niall said. "It sounded legit?" he shrugged. "There's this amazing tattoo parlour just a few blocks away from there that said they'd take me in as an intern, and you know there's nowhere around here that'll do that, so," Niall smiled. "They really liked the pirate ship that I did on you," he said. "So thanks for being my portfolio."

"They didn't see pictures of my cat tattoo did they?" Harry asked, his lips quirking up in a smile.

Niall laughed so hard his eyes squinted closed.

Harry wriggled his toes again, lightly brushing his fingertips over the colour, trying to decide if it was dry enough for the topcoat to go on. He knew he could just do a lazy coat of polish, but he always loved doing to base coat, top coat, the filing... it relaxed him.

"Are you and Gem matching today?" Niall asked.

Harry nodded, gently brushing on the clear topcoat.

"It's a nice colour," Niall smiled.

Harry heard his door unlock, and he looked up with wide eyes. He swore his roommate's class wasn't done for another hour.

"Oliver?" Harry said, "I thought your class went later, I'm just-"

Oliver shook his head, grabbed some books off his desk and left without a word.

Harry bit his cheek and tried not to tear up, but his eyes felt like they were burning.

"Hey," Niall said gently, "Hey, it's alright, mate."

"My roommate thinks I'm a freak," Harry muttered, too sickened to look at his handiwork that he'd been so proud of a moment ago.

"Well he doesn't appreciate a good pedicure when he sees one," Niall said, and Harry smiled a little, settling back to listen to Niall gush about the tattoo parlour he was going to work for.

Harry listened intently to Niall as he spoke, but there was a tiny piece of him that was running over the words 'o _n break'_  again and again, searching for something... searching for a meaning, letting them tangle his thoughts every time he tried to push the words away.

He talked to Niall for around an hour before Gemma complained and went back to filling in Harry on her life. He texted and Snapped them both so often it amazed him that there was this much to catch up on, but somehow when they were talking it felt like they could go on forever.

His roommate didn't come back until midnight, and he crawled into his bed, turned out the light, and fell asleep before Harry could think of what to say to him.

Harry settled into bed late that night, busy writing poems in his worn leather bound notebook that Niall had gotten him for Christmas ages ago.

Just before three in the morning, Harry had settled under the covers, determined to fall asleep.

But he couldn't.

He pulled out his phone, took a deep breath, and sent a text before he could talk himself out of it.

**H:** _Lou, what does 'on break' mean?_

He paused for a second, his phone screen glaring back at him.

**H:** _Like in the boyfriend kind of way. Like if a boyfriend says he wants a break that you need to take a break what does that mean why does everyone think it means something bad, its not a bad thing is it?_

**H:** _Lou?_

Harry started at his phone screen, taking shallow breaths. He knew Louis should be sleeping right now and he was going to wake up from a bunch of stupid texts and-

**L:** _I'm so sorry, Hazza. I'm right here now, right down the hall, okay?_

**H:** _Hazza?_

**L:** _Sorry... nickname. I use those a lot. I'll stop if you hate it :P_

Harry smiled a little, snuggling himself deeper into his pillow.

**H:** _No, I like it :)_

**L:** _Are you okay though? If you need someone to talk to, I'm just... I'm just really sorry, Haz. I know high school relationships don't always make it long distance but still, I don't like to see you hurting :/_

**L:** _You're not having a panic attack are you? You need to tell me if you're having one, okay? Promise?_

**H:** _I'm fine! I swear, I'm fine. It's just, it's not a big deal right? People go on breaks, he's not leaving_

**H:** _Lou he's not leaving is he is he leaving he said it was just a break. Lou I'm scared, I'm really scared_

**L:** _Can I just come over?_

**H:** _I have a roommate_

**L:** _Fine, come over here? Please just for a minute? I just need to make sure you're okay_

Harry curled tighter into his sheets, his heart racing.

He took a moment, and then slipped quietly out of his room, leaving Oliver sleeping and oblivious.

He was barely a few steps into the hall when Lou wrapped him up in a hug.

"Are you okay?" Louis whispered. "Please say you're okay." 

Harry held onto Lou like the world were ending and Lou held on like he were trying to hold all the little pieces together.

"Is he breaking up with me?" Harry asked, gasping for air.

"Shhh..." Louis murmured, steering Harry into his room. "Shhh, Hazza, I'm right here."

"Does taking a break mean breaking up?" Harry asked frantically. He sat down on Louis' bed and looked up at him with pleading eyes.

Louis nodded. "I'm sorry, I'm _so_  sorry... but he's probably just letting you down gently."

"No," Harry whined, running his fingers through his hair rough enough that Louis worried he'd tear a few strands out.

"Don't hurt yourself, love," Louis murmured, grabbing Harry's hands gently.

Harry cried like the world was ending.

"But I want to," Harry cried, trying to shake out of Lou's firm grasp.

"No," Louis said, trying to make eye contact with the younger boy, but Harry's eyes were flitting around the room.

"It's your fault, it's your fault,  _I hate you_ ," Harry said. "I hate you so much." He sobbed, trying desperately to get his hands free from Louis.

Louis felt an ache in his chest and he held tight to Harry's wrists. Lou wanted to leave, wanted to curl up somewhere and talk to Liam, talk to someone, he couldn't handle hearing those words from Harry. But he had to be the strong one this time.

Louis let go of Harry's wrists, but Harry immediately started digging his nails into his skin.

"Please don't do that, love," Louis said softly.

Harry looked up at him, his eyes wide and scared, but he didn't stop, his nails dug angry scratch marks onto his pale skin.

Louis took Harry's hands in his.

"Louis, Louis, I  _need_  to," Harry whimpered. "I need it, Lou, please let go I need to I need it, I'm just scared, I'm so scared," he whispered.

Harry leaned into Louis, crying against his chest and Lou reluctantly let go of Harry's wrists. Harry didn't try and scratch himself anymore, just latched onto Louis, so tight it was as if they were on the precipice of a cliff and not tucked safely in a musty old dorm room.

"I know, love," Louis murmured, "I know it's scary. But you're not allowed to hurt yourself, okay?" he said, trying to keep his voice steady, keep it from trembling. "You haven't... you aren't...? Have you been doing anything else to hurt yourself?" He choked out.

Before the first years had moved in for the year, every RA had gone through a week long training session on how to deal with conflicts- how to deal with stress, and how to deal with mental illnesses- to be prepared to help the students on their floor. Louis had paid careful attention and made deliberate notes, taking care to never let his mind drift for a second, knowing it could be important someday. But he never thought he'd be in the situation where it came down to  _him_... where it came down to someone clinging onto him like a life-raft, whimpering his name like his words had the power to do something... like  _Louis_ had the power to heal this.

"No," Harry sobbed, his body wracked with the emotion, pressing against Lou, sniffling against Louis' soft grey shirt. "I haven't done, haven't done  _that_ in two years, I don't want to do that I just want everything to stop hurting.  _Please_  make it stop."

Harry was trembling like a leaf and Louis held on tightly, rubbing circles onto his back.

"Okay, shh, it's okay," Louis murmured.

"It's not okay," Harry moaned. He was shuddering against Lou's body, heaving with his unstable breaths and thick sobs. "He said he  _loved_ me, no one loves me anymore, Lou, was he lying? Was he lying to me?"

Louis didn't even know how to respond to the words 'no one loves me' when everything about Harry was just bursting full of life and so  _so_ deserving of love.

Harry was taller and broader than Louis by a lot, but he curled into Louis like a child, long limbs swallowed up in his over-sized jumper, and clutching onto Louis' chest-  _hiding_. Lou's heart twinged at the thought of someone so full of life trying to hide, trying to make themselves smaller.

"It's your fault," Harry sobbed again. "I  _hate_  you. He wouldn't have left me if I never met you."

"Shh," Louis murmured, his lips brushing against Harry's tangled curls. He knew from years of helping his sister with her anxiety that sometimes people who got panic attacks built up reasons in their heads for why things happened to them- and even if it wasn't logical to anyone else, it could make perfect sense to them. "What did I do to you, love?" Louis asked gently. "Tell me why it's my fault, Haz, and I'll fix it okay? It's alright."

Harry sniffled and wiped his nose on his jumper sleeve. He unlatched himself from Lou's chest to try and make eye contact with him while he talked.

Louis could see in the harsh lamplight how red rimmed and puffy Harry's eyes were, making the green leap out in contrast.

"I..." Harry started before his words choked out. "I can't say it," he whispered. "It's embarrassing."

"Don't be embarrassed, love," Louis murmured. He took Harry's hands in his and gently slipped his fingers under the hem of Harry's sleeves to try and rub soothing patterns into the angry scratch marks. He wondered if Harry was okay with the pet names, but he hadn't stopped him so far, and Louis didn't want to stop... he loved the way they felt like honey on his tongue. Harry's name was beautiful, but everyone got to call him that. Louis wanted something all to himself, little names that felt warm in his mouth, that felt soft against his lips.

Harry had stopped sobbing by this point, but his eyes were still shiny with tears. "I," he started again, "I think you're..." his eyes were watering. "I think you're really..." Harry was taking shallow breaths and he wasn't looking at Louis anymore.

Louis was torn between wanting to know what Harry was going to say and not wanting to cause him any more anxiety. "It's  _okay_ ," he whispered. "Whatever it is, Harry, it's alright, I'm right here with you now."

"I had a crush on you," Harry said. The words tumbled out ungracefully. Brash. Abrupt.

Lou's eyes widened a bit, but he waited to see if Harry was going to elaborate.

"I just," Harry said, his voice raspy from crying. "I just thought you were really, really attractive, Lou, and you looked really fucking good when you were getting changed- I accidentally looked- and then you could sing and you're the only one who knows how to deal with me, and it's  _hard_  here, Lou, everything's so different, but _you_  were here and you were here and everything was-" Harry was speaking a lot faster now, and a strong blush had risen to his cheeks. "Everything was better with you," he finished, his voice barely a whisper.

Every part of Louis wanted to kiss Harry.

His eyes wanted to see Harry's lashes flick closed against his pale skin as his green eyes went heavy lidded.

His fingers wanted to trace along Harry's collarbones, paint every tattoo with the pads of his fingers, even the bad ones, even the ones Niall had messed up on.

His lungs wanted to forget how to function, wanted to lose sight of even the basics of staying alive because  _he_ was more important, until Louis was gasping for breath because staying alive was just an afterthought compared to having those lips melt into his.

And his lips, Louis' lips  _ached_  to be pressed against Harry's cherry stained lips.

"You like me?" Louis asked, his voice was gentle, like he was worried if he spoke too loudly, he might scare the green eyed boy away.

Harry nodded, looking at Louis with wide eyes.

"Well," Louis said carefully, "I guess that means it's mutual."

Harry bit his lower lip, flushing it red.

If it were anyone else, Louis would have kissed them then and there. Then again, if it were anyone else Louis probably would have gone home with them about an hour after they'd met. But it was  _Harry_ and he was different... delicate.

"What are you thinking about, love?" Louis asked softly.

"I like pet names," Harry replied, curling up tighter into his sweater. "Can you use them more?"

"Mhm," Louis said, reaching to check the time on his phone. "It's four in the morning hun, are you okay to go back to your room?"

Harry shook his head.

"Did you want to talk about... about anything?" Louis asked.

"Can we just talk tomorrow?" Harry asked.

"Of course," Louis said.

"Can I... can I stay here tonight?" Harry asked shyly.

"Yeah," Louis said, without thinking it through at all. If he let himself think about it, he knew he'd just hear Liam's voice telling him how he needed to stop things with Harry from going to far.

This was probably too far.

Louis lifted up the covers, and Harry slid under them. He curled up to Lou's chest, and Louis gently rubbed Harry's back and made _shhhh_ sounds until his breathing slowed and his hands relaxed onto Lou's chest.

"Goodnight, princess," Louis whispered, his lips tugging up into a smile. The words  _'it's mutual'_ ran through his dreams as he promptly fell into a deep sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Louis woke up with a slight moment of panic, feeling a heavy weight on his chest and not remembering why. His eyes jolted open to see Harry's curls splayed across his chest, his lavender jumper standing out against Louis' neutral sheets.

Harry was still sleeping, but he started to stir awake as soon as Louis' breathing pattern shifted.

"Good morning," Harry mumbled, his face still buried in Lou's shirt.

"Morning," Louis said with a smile.

"What day is it?" Harry mumbled, tugging the blankets tighter around him.

"It's Friday, love," Louis said, his hand resting on the small of Harry's back.

"Fuck," he muttered. "I have class today."

"You have class on a  _Friday_?" Louis asked. "What, did you make your schedule blindfolded or something?"

"Noooo , there was this psych elective that looked really good, mmmm starts at 9:30, Lou, what time is it?"

"It's only eight something," Louis said, glancing at his phone. "Don't worry I'll get you to Friday morning class on time," he smirked. "You dork."

Harry tried to grab onto more blankets but Louis pulled them away from him.

"If you get too comfortable you'll just fall asleep again," Louis said.

"But I'm tired, Lou," Harry whined.

"Well my job is literally making sure you do well in school, so get up," Louis said, tugging the rest of the covers off Harry. "Go brush your teeth, get your books and meet me outside okay?" Louis said.

Harry grumbled, still trying to cling to Louis.

"I mean it," Louis said, trying to sound more serious. "I'm not letting you skip class, Hazza."

"Fine..." Harry mumbled, reluctantly getting up from Louis' bed.

"Meet you in ten?" Louis asked.

"Jesus, Lou," Harry said, "Some of us actually have a morning routine to attend to."

"Oh my God, Harold, you can skip the sun salutations for one day, just brush your teeth and meet me at the benches okay? I want to take you for breakfast."

"The caf food is disgusting," Harry said.

"We're not going to the caf," Louis said, rolling his eyes a little at the idea. All the cafeteria was good for were tater tots, browning apple slices, and watery scrambled eggs- none of which seemed like good breakfast options.

Harry nodded and headed toward the door.

Louis' eyes were drawn down to Harry's bare feet, the toes painted a pale bubblegum pink.

"Did you do that?" Louis asked incredulously, gesturing toward his feet. It looked as shiny and meticulous as when his mother came back from a pedicure and Louis was in awe at the idea that Harry could do that  _himself_  without making a huge mess of the polish like Lou would.

Harry flinched a little and Louis realized he probably shouldn't have brought it up.

"I used to paint my sister's toes all the time and I could never get it to actually just stay on her nails, I always got it all over her skin," he laughed a little to himself. "Yours look like, like a legit pedicure. I'm impressed."

"So you don't think it's weird?" Harry asked, his eyes still half closed from sleep, but narrowing a little further in suspicion.

"Of course not," Louis said. "Suits you."

Harry smiled softly, beaming a little.

Louis knew he probably never got compliments on them, and part of him twinged in sympathy. Harry shouldn't just be hearing these things from Louis.

When Harry left, slipping quietly out of Lou's room, Louis turned his attention to his dresser, fumbling through the drawers for something to wear. He didn't realize until he held up an old Radiohead shirt to check for stains that his hands were shaking a little bit.

He didn't know what was going to happen. Normally, Lou thrived on challenges and spontaneity and short cuts that left him in the wrong direction and bad choices that turned into good stories- but Harry made him want to do everything properly, delicately. Another part of him wanted to be anything but delicate, wanted to grab Harry by the wrist, pull him back into the room and press him against the wall until his lips parted in a moan.

Louis changed quickly and slipped into the communal bathroom to brush his teeth.

He knew he was supposed to be the stable one here, but he felt a little unsteady, like everything had tipped off balance a little since last night.

 _It was mutual_.

 

*** * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

 

"I mean, I don't really get how you can call it breakfast if there's no bacon..." Louis said, stirring his smoothie suspiciously, "But I kinda figured you might like it here."

"Oh my gosh, Lou, it's perfect," Harry said, sipping on his kale pomegranate smoothie.

"Hippie," Lou muttered with a little smirk.

Harry bit his lip and smiled shyly.

"So are we going to talk about last night or-?" Louis started.

"I have class soon," Harry mumbled.

"You have class in an hour, that's plenty of time to at least talk things over a little bit," Louis said.

"Do we have to?" Harry asked, sipping at his dark purple smoothie and chewing on the straw absentmindedly.

Louis looked over at Harry, who was snuggled up in a thick burgundy hoodie with the college crest on the chest. He looked peaceful, if a little tired, and Louis almost felt bad about wanting to push him into talking about things if he wasn't fully ready.

"You always do that," Louis said, twisting a napkin in his hands. "You tell me  _so_  much when you're having an anxiety attack but then you won't tell me _anything_  when you're doing okay. I don't want to pretend the things you say when you're panicked never happened." Louis brought his legs up so he could sit cross legged in the booth, trying to get comfy against the worn-in green leather. He raised his curved eyebrows at Harry, waiting for a response, a little nervous he was asking too much.

"Okay," Harry said slowly, "Okay, that's fair. What did you... what did you want to talk about first?"

Louis wanted to talk about how Harry had admitted to having feelings for him, wanted to ask him to repeat it again and again so the words could skim across his skin like little whispers brushing up against him. But he knew that wasn't the best place to start, so he bit his cheek a little to try and hold it in a little longer. "I think it would be healthy to talk about your breakup," Louis said, even though just hearing the name  _Cameron_ made him want to simultaneously punch a hole in the wall and sob into a carton of ice cream.

"What did you want to know?" Harry asked. His guard was up- as much as he had said he was okay to talk to Louis, it was clear that he was going to talk with a brick wall around him.

Louis sighed a little, he didn't want to have to drag every word out of Harry, he just wanted to have a conversation, not an  _interview_. "Have you talked to him at all since he said he wanted a break?" Louis asked.

"He's been ignoring my texts actually," Harry said, his voice a little bitter around the edges. He looked up at Louis with his eyes blazing green. "He told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore. That's what  _happens_ when people get too close to me, Lou."

"Oh so that's why you try and bottle everything up and hide it from me?" Louis challenged. "That's a pretty shitty reason, Hazza." He was trying not to get worked up, but he was frustrated trying to get Harry to talk.

"He said I'm too much to handle, okay?" Harry said, his voice a little shaky. "He's the only person that knew me that well, that  _much_  and he didn't like it, he didn't  _want me_."

Louis felt like bruises were being pressed into his skin with every word Harry spoke- it ached just to listen to.

"He said he _loved_  me from the moment he met me, Lou. We were together for almost three years and now he doesn't even want to  _talk_ to me anymore, doesn't even want to reply when I tell him I'm feeling panicked and won't even  _answer_  when I ask him how his day was." Harry huffed out a breath, like all these little tensions had gathered and settled into his lungs.

"Well," Louis said, trying to think of the best way to respond. "Some people need space, and maybe he's not going about it the right way, but you have me, and you have your friend Niall, and your sister, and we're all here to talk to, I know it's a little much to get used to, but you'll be okay without talking to him, I promise."

"You don't get it," Harry muttered. He looked distant, and he twirled his ring around his finger like he were trying to figure out a pass-code.

"What don't I get exactly?" Louis asked. "People get broken up with all the time, it doesn't mean they're unlovable."

"This is different."

"Different how?"

"Because he said it was love at first sight!" Harry replied, his green eyes insistent now, trying to get Louis to understand what he was seeing. "He was literally _in love with me_  to begin with and getting to know more and more about me made him fall out of love with me- the more he got to know me the more he didn't like me."

"So you think if you just try and keep parts of yourself hidden from me, that you can... you can stretch it out longer this time? That it'll take longer for me to leave you?"

Harry nodded, and all Louis wanted to do was take Harry in his arms and kiss him on the forehead, smooth back his soft curls and whisper sweet nothings until he fell asleep again- wanted to protect him from ever having to feel this way. Louis wanted to touch him so bad- his fingertips ached to connect with Harry's skin- so Lou reached his hand across the table and gently ran his fingers over Harry's knuckles. "No offense, but that's the most fucking ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

Harry's lips curved into a faint smile, and he closed his eyes for a moment and nodded reluctantly, trying to agree with Louis, trying to understand that this was something he's just built up in his mind.

"I want to know  _more_ about you, Haz. I don't like it when you're all closed off from me. You can tell me anything  _any_ time, not just when you're panicking and let your guard down."

Louis could swear Harry was blushing. "Thank you," he murmured.

"If you need to talk about him at all, I'm always here," Louis added. One of Louis' biggest problems with relationships was always jealousy- he hated talking about exes, hated knowing that the person had been someone else's before they were Louis'- but with Harry it wasn't about that. With Harry, Louis managed to put the pettiness aside and really think about what was best for Harry, what was healthiest, what would keep him feeling comfortable... _safe_.

"I just-" Harry started, then sighed. "I just think I've known this was coming for months... almost half a year really. I think my brain's had lots of time to process it already." He gave a weak half smile before he continued. "I mean, we were barely talking anymore towards the end anyway. We started fighting when I first got accepted to college."

"Oh?" Louis said, raising his eyebrows. "Because of the long distance?"

"No, um," Harry said, staring down at his drink, stirring the last little bit with his straw. "He didn't think, um, he didn't think I could be a psychologist when I have my own, my own problems like I do."

Louis' eyes popped wide. "Are you fucking kidding me?" he said, shaking his head in disbelief. "What a fucking  _loser_ \- that's just, that's just," Louis huffed out a loud breath and clenched his jaw. "If anyone ever tells you that again, let me know and I swear to God-"

" _Lou_ ," Harry said. "It's not a big deal, I mean, he's kind of right."

"He's not- he's not-  _Jesus Christ,_ Harry Edward Styles, you take that back right now."

"How do you know my middle name?" Harry asked, his eyes squinting in suspicion.

"I had to sort through everyone's housing forms," Louis shrugged. "Took  _hours_. Alphabetized, checked for forged signatures... you're missing the point, Harold."

"And the point is...?"

"You can have anxiety and be a therapist, if anything it would make you better at your job if you understand some of what they've been through." Louis said, trying to calm his voice down a little. They were the only ones in the tiny cafe, other than the bored looking barista, and they were tucked into a corner booth, but Louis didn't like raising his voice around Harry.

"Thanks," Harry mumbled.

"I mean, Lord knows I'm too opinionated to be a journalist, but I'm gonna try anyway," Louis added with a smirk.

Harry smiled a little, before continuing. "I think Cam was just a little mad because he didn't want to go to college, and he thought we would move in together or something after school." Harry reached into his hoodie pocket and pulled out his phone, checking the time.

"Well thank God you didn't," Louis said softly.

Harry smiled, setting his phone down.

"Do you have plans for reading week?" Louis asked, it felt like Harry had gotten everything off his chest that he needed to.

"Um, I was going to go home but only for a few days- I have some essays due right after the break and I think I'll be too distracted to do them at home. Why?" Harry added.

"Oh, you remember Liam, right? From the coffeehouse?"

Harry nodded.

"He's having this thing, and I was wondering if you wanted to come?"

"A thing?" Harry asked. "Like what sort of thing? Like an orgy or a tea party or a rave or stamp collecting meeting? Be a little more specific, Louis- what's gonna happen when you become a journalist? No one will understand your articles." Harry was pretending to be serious as he said it, but he couldn't help but laugh a little and Louis' whole face lit up as he laughed along.

"It's a bonfire, Haz," he smiled, his eyes crinkling a little around the corners. "Just me and Liam and a couple of the lads, and hopefully you...? I don't know how you are with parties, but if they make you uncomfortable, you don't have to come. It's just a get together, really," Louis said, "Nothing too wild, less than twenty people for sure... Liam offered up his room for you as like a safe space if you ever get overwhelmed and need a break from the people."

"Wow... that sounds really lovely actually," Harry said. "I'm taking the train to go back to visit my mum on the Sunday and coming back that Thursday night- what day were you having it?"

"The last Friday night of class before the break," Louis smiled. "So exactly a week from now. Are you okay with the amount of people though? I don't want you to do anything you're uncomfortable with."

"I'm usually okay at these things," Harry said. "I'll be fine."

"Can I ask you a question?" Louis asked, wanting to ask Harry one more thing in case his walls went up again.

"Mhm," Harry nodded.

"Do you know what triggers your panic attacks, like, generally?"

"I think it's mostly just emotions that, like,  _build_ ," Harry said, trying to explain. "Like it's not usually situations, it's usually feelings. Like when I felt overwhelmed when I got here the first day, that day was just a lot for me. It's usually that sort of thing. Sometimes the whole world just feels too _loud_ , you know?...Do you think I'm crazy?" Harry asked.

"I think you're perfect," Louis said gently before he realized he'd said that out loud. He cleared his throat a little. "I think you just have a different way of handling things, love. I don't know if this is too personal," he added, "but there's lots of good free counselling on campus, and I can easily set you up with someone if you want me to."

"I actually already do that," Harry said. "Wednesday mornings with Deborah." He smiled faintly. "Not that it seems to be helping, but you know, I feel like I have to at least be trying."

"That's amazing," Louis said, still running his thumb gently across the bumps of Harry's knuckles. Harry's hands were large and calloused from guitar, and flecked with small tattoos around his fingers... tiny crosses and little words.

Harry checked his phone again, "I have to get to class soon."

"Did you want me to walk you?" Louis asked.

"I can make it to my lectures on my own, Lou, I'm not  _that_ incompetent with directions." Harry said, conveniently neglecting to mention the time last week when he'd gone to a lecture hall on the complete opposite side of campus.

But Louis walked him anyway, insisting on carrying his books as they walked, teasing giggles out of Harry the whole way across campus with sly little jokes that Harry couldn't remember anymore but made his cheeks burn from laughing at the time.

 

And that night, when the whole floor was silent, and the whole Earth fell silent- to the point where it might have even stopped spinning entirely- Harry slipped out of bed, his fuzziest blanket wrapped around him like a tangled cape, soundlessly passing by his roommate, and down the hall.

He knocked softly at Louis' door, hoping he'd still be up, knowing Lou had confessed one time that he liked to stay up with a good book until his eyes were blurring, falling asleep with his glasses on and the lamp shining down on his bed like a small, contained sunbeam.

Sure enough, Louis answered the door, his glasses a little crooked on his nose, a paperback in hand. "Are you okay?" he whispered.

"I'm okay," Harry replied, and Louis locked the door behind them, and crawled back into bed, setting his glasses on his desk alongside his book.

"Mmm come here then," Louis said softly, and slipped under the covers, lifting them up for Harry to slide under.

Harry snuggled against Louis' chest, breathing in the lingering scent of his soap and his cologne, his thoughts muddling as he nuzzled closer to Louis, until there weren't any more spaces left to close. Harry was already being pulled under when he heard Louis' faint whisper of ' _goodnight, love'_. He tried to say goodnight back to Louis, but it just came out in jumbled little murmurs.

"It's okay, love, you can tell me tomorrow," Louis whispered, smoothing Harry's curls away from his forehead.

And he slipped peacefully into a warm and gentle rest, feeling safe, feeling loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all your lovely comments! I'm still so new on this website, I feel pretty lost but I'm glad to see you're enjoying it so far! :)


	3. Chapter Three

Harry walked out of the lecture hall, squinting from the sunlight, smiling a little to himself as he slipped his headphones on. He'd just handed in an eight page paper on ethics in psychological research, and he'd spent enough time on it to know he'd done well.

Harry was still smiling a little as he keyed in the passcode for his residence floor and slipped in. He bumped into Louis, who was on his way out, and also wearing headphones. Louis noticed Harry and spun around to say hi.

"Barely seen you this week!" Louis said, pushing his headphones off. "What have you been up to?"

"I had a paper due this morning," Harry said, popping his earbuds out.

"Oh right, you have a Friday class," Louis grinned. It had been a week since they'd gone for breakfast together before his morning lecture, and him and Louis had been just running past each other all week, both swamped in essays and research papers, texting occasionally about how bored of studying they were even though they were just down the hall from each other. "Happy reading week, eh?" Louis smiled. "Are you still on for Liam's tonight?"

"Of course," Harry said, his stomach knotting a little bit. Louis was wearing a black and white baseball tee with a rainbow and skeleton hands on it. The fabric was worn a little thin, and Harry wanted to grab onto the hem of his shirt and pull himself against Louis' chest. Lou's curvy legs were hugged by black skinny jeans with rips in the knees, and his hair was a tousled mess with his stubble making him look scruffier than usual. Harry bit his lip a little. "Um, how do I get to Liam's?" he asked, trying to focus on something other than how good Louis looked.

"It's just one bus from campus to his place," Louis said, "It's pretty easy, I'll text you the address so you have it in your phone and just look up the bus route. Maybe come around seven?"

"Okay," Harry said, smiling and looking down at the ground, hugging his textbook to his chest. His heartbeat fluttered a little bit as he looked back up at Lou.

"How are you doing?" Louis asked, his eyes searching into Harry's. Harry hadn't had a panic attack in a little while, he'd been fairly steady. He was getting a little bit better at working through his daily anxieties, not letting them shake him up as much, but he was still always on guard for panic attacks.

"I'm good," Harry said softly, his eyes flicking down to Lou's lips.

"Yeah?" Louis asked quietly. He stepped a little closer to Harry, and trailed his fingers down Harry's arms. "Good," he whispered, and shifted his weight onto his toes so he could kiss Harry quickly on the cheek. "See you tonight!" he smiled, stepping past Harry and out of the residence building.

Harry's cheeks blazed like a fresh sunburn, and he watched Louis as he left, his curvy body so entrancing, his phone straining to fit in the back pocket of his jeans- Lou's curves already filled out the jeans so perfectly there wasn't much room left.

Harry's phone buzzed a moment later with the address and a ' _see you later, cutie ! ;)_ '

Harry walked absentmindedly into his dorm room, still staring at Louis' message as he unlocked the door. His phone buzzed again and he nearly had a heart attack. He flopped onto his bed and opened the message, but it was just Niall.

**N:** _My roommie's having people over tonight- save me!! !_

**H:** _Thought you said you got along? ?_

Harry scrunched his brows together as he tried to recall anything Niall had told him about his new roommate. He'd moved in sometime in the middle of the week, but Harry had been too busy with his paper to visit or talk to Niall about his new mystery Craigslist roommie.

**N:** _Yeh HE'S rad but I don't know any of his friends can you come over so I'll know someone? you haven't seen my new place yet, its sick haha but still mate you gotta see me sometime I've been here a few days already quit slackin_

**H:** _I want to! but Louis asked me to this thing, sorry Ni :/_

**N:** _Urghffhfgdfak;ad why are there so many parties this week I havnt slept well since I got here is it always like this? you college lads are crazy mofos_

**H:** _Its the start of reading week tonight so people are probably just celebrating early_

**N:** _kay well you should ditch loverboy louis and come see your best friend coz I mean youve known me longer I should be your first choice haha_

**H:** _Buuuuuuut he's hotter Ni ;)_

**N:** _Pffffft doubt it, but fine just come see me tomorrow if youre not too hungover_

**H:** _Of course :) xxx_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Really?" Louis said, "Red solo cups, Payno? What is this, after-prom?" He was sitting on a kitchen stool, watching Liam gather up the things they needed for the party. He was under the pretense that he was helping, but Louis was better suited at delegating than actually doing any work, delighting in telling people exactly what they were doing wrong.

"Hey," Liam said, snatching the bag of cups out of Louis' small hands. "We can be twenty somethings and still use solo cups."

"So classy," Louis smirked, rolling his eyes, his blue irises glinting.

"The party's gonna stop being classy the second you start drinking anyway," Liam said, grabbing bags of chips from the pantry and setting them on the cluttered kitchen table. "Don't fuck any of my friends this time, please- it just makes my life awkward."

"I haven't like, done any of that in a while anyway," Louis mumbled, opening a bag of sour cream and onion chips.

"Wait, what do you mean?" Liam asked, as he finally stopped flitting around the kitchen. He rested against the counter, and held out his hand for the chips. Louis thought he was going to bitch at him for eating them before their friends got there, but he just grabbed a handful and gave the bag back. "Like, how long has it been? Like a few weeks, or...? Cause you haven't really been at the bar lately."

"Missed me?" Louis mumbled though a mouthful of crumbs, stuffing more chips into his mouth as he talked.

"You never tip me," Liam said, "So no." Liam had been working as a bartender since he turned nineteen, and Louis had frequented the bar since Liam started work, using that as an excuse to get drunk on the weekends and go home with a stranger. " _Not_  that I want to talk about your sex life," Liam added, giving Louis a warning glare (Lou had a habit of  _wildly_  oversharing), "But, like, how long has it  _been_?"

"Um, like," Louis said, pretending to think about it. He didn't have to think about it at all. "Like maybe just over two months I guess." He tried to make that sound casual, even though two months for Louis was anything but typical.

"So, just before you met Harry," Liam said.

"I mean, I suppose," Louis said, digging his hand into the bag of chips. "If you want to relate those two things."

Liam gave Louis a long look. "I don't like this."

"Literally, Payno, if anything ever happens between us, all we do is fill out a little form saying he wants to switch roommates, then he's off to a different floor, or different residence building, I'm not his RA anymore, no harm no foul."

"I'm not worried about your job, Tommo... I'm worried about Harry," Liam said. "He's got anxiety- what makes you think he wants to be uprooted like that in the middle of a semester?"

"He'll be fine," Louis said. "I mean,  _if_  he wants anything with me... I mean, he said he was into me, but he seems like the take it slow type."

"Which you're not," Liam pointed out, drumming his fingers against the kitchen counter.

"I could be!" Louis said defensively.

"When's the last time you  _didn't_ sleep with someone the day you met them?" Liam asked.

"Harry," Louis said pointedly, his blue eyes glaring.

He locked eyes with Liam. Liam had always looked out for Louis, watching over his drinks carefully when Lou was too drunk to notice someone spike it, taking Louis to the hospital that time he got a piece of glass stuck in his foot as Louis clutched onto Liam's shoulder and let out a blasphemous string of curse words the whole way to the ER, and now Liam was determined to make sure Louis wasn't going to get hurt from this.

"Just be careful, okay, Lou? I worry."

"I know," Louis said, fidgeting on his chair. "I'll be okay though."

They were cut off by a knock on the door, which Louis was grateful for, because their conversation was taking a turn for the sappy.

Liam welcomed them in, and sent them off to the backyard with a beer, promising he'd be out in a minute.

"Are we good?" Liam asked.

"We're good," Louis nodded. "Where's this new roommate of yours by the way? I've heard nothing about him, I want to see if he meets my standards."

"I think he's hiding," Liam said. "He said he only knows one person from around here and he couldn't come, so I think he's just gonna stay in his room all night." Liam sighed. "He's really great though- wicked guitarist too- I just think he feels a bit awkward at a thing like this right after he moved in... I feel bad though."

"Well, I'll drag him out later, okay?" Louis said, checking his phone as Liam headed out to the backyard. It was a little past seven thirty and people were starting to trickle in, slowly filling up the backyard.

He was just about to text Harry to make sure he didn't get lost when he heard a timid knock on the door.

Louis jumped off his chair and rushed to answer the door.

He opened the door to see Harry, looking relieved that he'd made it to the right house.

"Hi," Harry said, smiling at Louis.

He'd changed since that morning, and he looked really fucking good. Louis sucked in a small breath when he saw him. He'd have to get really drunk tonight if he wanted to take away the ache that came from being in the same space as Harry and not making a move.

Not that vodka would solve his problems, but it couldn't hurt to try.

"Hi," Harry said again, his cheeks a little flushed. "Sorry, I got a little lost on the way."

"It's literally  _one_ bus, Harold," Louis said, his lips turning up in amusement.

"I know," Harry pouted a little, "I was on the right bus number, wrong direction."

"How on earth did you manage that?" Louis asked.

"I thought they only went in one direction," Harry admitted.

"God you're hopeless," Louis smirked.

"At least I got here, " Harry said.

"Mhm," Louis said. "Did you want to go out back? Everyone's out there."

Harry looked a little uncomfortable so Louis added, "Just let me know if it's too much, okay? We can always just hang out in Liam's room."

"I think I'll be fine," Harry said. His voice softened and he looked over at Louis, his eyes round under thick lashes. "I missed you," he said quietly.

"I'm right down the hall, love," Louis said gently, as though he didn't understand what Harry was talking about, when the reality was he'd spent the past week aching from the small distance from the younger boy. They weren't intentionally avoiding each other, but Louis was swamped with assignments, and Harry was focused on his essay. Louis had barely been sleeping, having to break up parties on their floor from students trying to kick off reading week early. He'd also had students coming to him stressed about midterms, wanting advice on essays, and even just wanting to talk.

Since that night the other week where Harry had wandered into Louis' room and crawled into the bed with him, Louis felt like there were magnets pressed up under his skin, tugging him toward Harry- every part of him wanted to hold him, wanted to feel the soft rise and fall of his chest, see the soft flutter of his lashes against his pale skin as he drifted off... hear the little murmurs that tumbled from his lips as he slept, slurring out senseless stories that Louis wished he could understand.

"Should we, um..." Louis gestured toward the backyard. "Did you want a drink?"

Harry nodded and Lou opened the fridge, the door clinking with the sound of bottles.

"We have beer... and," Louis turned over some of the bottles to look at the labels, "We have coolers."

"I want the orange one," Harry said, tucking his long curls behind his ear.

Louis grabbed himself a beer and then raised an eyebrow as he handed Harry his bright orange drink.

"I like the way the colour orange tastes," Harry explained as Lou passed over a bottle opener.

"You are something else," Lou murmured.

"Thanks," Harry said softly. For the first time in his life, Harry thought that actually sounded like a compliment.

Louis wrapped a hand around Harry's waist, thinking he could make it seem casual, but every part of him wanted to kiss Harry, and his eyes kept flickering to Harry's lip piercing.

"We should probably join the others," Louis said softly, his hand still on Harry's waist.

"Okay," Harry murmured, his gaze turning soft as he looked at Louis.

Louis could feel some sort of heaviness, pulling him, drawing the words away from his lungs, blurring everything until all that was left was this beautiful green eyed boy standing in Liam's kitchen with tight jeans hugging his slim thighs and a red long sleeved flannel looking comfy as fuck... looking exactly like someone Louis wanted to snuggle into, breathe in the scent of laundry soap and cologne.

Like someone Louis had waited two months to kiss.

Louis bit his lip and turned away, leading Harry outside, even though a small trivial part of him didn't want to share Harry with anyone.

Everyone looked up when Harry came out into the backyard, Liam beaming and jumping up to say hi, clearly already a little buzzed.

Harry took a spot right next to Louis on a blanket by the campfire, smiling and drinking and laughing with Louis' friends like they'd known each other since birth.

Harry's green eyes were flickering in the light of the campfire, his lip piercing glinting in the light as well, and Louis kept looking over, trying to remind himself not to stare. His skin felt warm from the campfire, warm from the drinks, warm from being so close to Harry.

Harry was laughing at something Liam had said, already on his third drink. His eyes looked a little glassy, and his skin was flushed and Louis forgot how many drinks he'd had but Harry looked so fucking good and he nudged him, his fingers pressing into the soft spot on his hips.

"I want another drink," Louis murmured. "Come to the kitchen with me?"

"Okay," Harry said smiling, and got up from the blanket, leaving his half finished drink in the grass. He followed Louis into the kitchen, and even in the well lit kitchen, his eyes were dark. He was biting his bottom lip, leaving it flushed a deep red, and then he was pressed up against the kitchen counter, with Louis' hands running up and down his sides, Lou's curvy body fitting against Harry's lanky one.

For the life of him, Louis couldn't tell who started the kiss, but their lips were pressed together and Lou's tongue was tracing alone Harry's bottom lip, along his lip ring, and Harry tasted vaguely like popsicles, his lips a little orange tinted from all the coolers. Tiny whimpers fell from his lips when Louis deepened the kiss.

Louis had one hand holding Harry's hips against his and the other tangled in Harry's long curls. He trailed his hands down the younger boy's chest as he pulled away slowly.

"Thanks," Harry whispered, once Louis had finally pulled away. His hand instinctively reached to touch his own lips, his long fingers resting on the space where Lou had been only a moment ago.

The corner of Lou's lips tugged up in a smile- no one had ever  _thanked_ him for a kiss before. "Anytime," he said gently painfully aware of how cheesy it sounded as soon as the words left his mouth.

"Okay," Harry murmured, and decided to take Louis up on his offer, pulling his curvy body back against him, tangling their lips back together again.

"Come on," Louis said, his eyes glimmering, stepping back from Harry, who was still pressed up against the kitchen counter.

Harry touched his fingers gently to his lips, ghosting over where Lou had been a moment ago. "Where are we going?" he asked.

Louis took Harry's hand, and held it in his, tugging Harry along past the edge of Liam's yard, "Liam has a rich neighbour," he said with a smile. "They're always away on vacation and they have a pool..." his blue eyes were flickering with life, glinting with mischief as he tugged Harry into the neighbour's backyard. There was a fence that stood around six feet tall surrounding the inground pool. Louis let go of Harry's hand and dug around near the door of the fence.

"Lou it's almost November, it'll be too cold to swim," Harry said, wrapping his flannel tighter around himself.

Louis popped up with a spare key that must have been poorly hidden near the fence. "They keep it heated all through til the end of September, it should still be at least a little warm."

Harry raised his eyebrows.

"Liam's been living here for a while," Louis explained with a shrug. "You learn a few things about a place over the years."

Louis quickly unlocked the door and swung the fence open.

Harry carefully slipped into the deck area, and knelt down to skim his hands in the water. It wasn't super warm, but it wasn't as cold as he was expecting it to be. He looked over and saw Louis tugging off his sweater and his shirt.

"What are you...?" Harry started, trailing off when he saw Louis' torso. He was smooth and tanned and his muscles looked hard and beautiful and Harry could see a small trail of fine hairs leading from beneath his belly button down to his jeans.

"I'm not swimming fully clothed, Hazza," Louis said with a quick smirk and a roll of his eyes. He undid the button of his jeans, and Harry forgot to look away until Louis had already started shimmying out of them. He kicked them ungracefully into a pile alongside his other clothes. Harry couldn't help but look now, and Louis was standing there in tight black boxer briefs, slipping into the pool, the turquoise water rippling gently around him.

"Are you going to join me, or...?" Louis asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah, I just um," Harry said. He unbuttoned his flannel with slightly shaky hands and pulled off his shirt as well. He stood in his jeans, Louis looking up at him expectantly.

"You can come in with your jeans on if you want," Louis said, "But I really doubt you want to be in wet jeans for the rest of the night."

"Just... just don't judge me okay?" Harry mumbled, fumbling out of his tight jeans. He stood in front of Louis, shivering a little in tiny grey boyshorts, trimmed with white lace. The lace at the top sat low on his hips and the bottom hem of the boyshorts barely covered the curve of his bum.

"Fuck," Louis hissed under his breath. "Get over here,  _please_."

Harry quickly lowered himself into the pool, his body tingling with goosebumps before he could adjust to the temperature. His toes curled a little as his body tried to curve into itself to warm up against the slight chill of the water. Harry had just painted his toes his favourite shade, a faint pink by OPI called 'Bubble Bath'. Part of him hoped Louis wouldn't notice, but bigger part of him hoped that he would.

"Hey," Harry whispered, as Louis wrapped his hands around Harry's waist.

"Hi," Louis murmured, tugging Harry into a kiss.

It started off romantic and slow, but Harry was shivering a little, soaking wet and in tiny grey panties, and Louis couldn't help but lick into his mouth a little, pulling away a bit to nibble on his bottom lip.

"Fuck," Harry whined, trying to pull the older boy closer.

"Mmm," Lou murmured, sucking faint lovebites onto Harry's neck. "I bet you wanted this pretty bad, huh, sweetie?"

"Yeah," Harry whimpered. "So bad, so fucking bad, Lou, I wanted," he let out a little gasp as the older boy brushed over his nipples with the hand that wasn't on Harry's lower back. "Wanted this  _so_ bad." he finished. "Wanted  _you_ ," he repeated. "Fuck, I wanted you _so_  much, Louis."

"Do you have four nipples?" Louis asked distractedly.

"What?" Harry asked, his eyes a little glossy. He blinked slowly. "Oh, yeah, yeah I do."

Louis laughed a little. "Are you even human?"

Harry huffed out a breath and pouted. " _Lou_ ," he whined.

"Sorry," Louis smirked. He trailed his fingers up Harry's arm, and the younger boy shivered under his touch. "You cold, babe?" Louis asked.

Harry bit his lip a little and nodded.

"I can take you back inside if you wanted...?" Louis offered, his eyes trailing down to Harry's lips.

"Okay," Harry whispered, not caring that they'd literally just got in the pool moments ago, only caring about Louis... always wanting more.

The two boys got out of the pool and grabbed their pile of clothes, Louis' scattered around the deck and Harry's in a neat and folded pile.

Louis locked up the fence behind them and hid the key again, tugging on Harry's arm as he lead him back to Liam's house.

"I'll get us some towels," Louis said, once they were in the hallway. "I'll be right back, okay?"

Lou returned with two fluffy towels, which Harry quickly wrapped his torso up in, pausing to look at Louis expectantly.

"How are you doing?" Louis asked quietly.

"I'm good," Harry whispered, and tugged Louis closer by the hem of his boxers. Louis moaned a little as Harry kissed him, clearly growing frantic as he knotted his fingers in Louis' hair, his towel falling off his body, and Louis' towel neglected on the floor. "Liam's room's empty?" he asked, and Louis nodded, biting his lip, his eyes dark and wanting.

Harrry steered Louis a little down the hall until they got to a bedroom door. "Want you," Harry panted, reaching for the doorknob without looking, still focused solely on Louis's mouth... Louis' body...

"Wrong room, babe," Louis murmured, but Harry had already opened the door.

He heard a shriek as the two of them tumbled into the room, the boy on the bed looking up from his phone with alarm.

Harry blinked a few times as though he thought it were a hallucination he could shake off, before he finally addressed Liam's new roommate, dripping wet and still latched onto Louis.

_"Niall?"_

"Wow, um, I'm sorry," Harry stammered, picking his towel off the ground where he'd dropped it. "Hi, how are you?" he blushed a little. "I really wish I could hug you but I'm pretty indecent at the moment, so..." Harry turned around, looking for Louis, but he must have bolted at the first sight of Niall, leaving Harry and Niall alone. "I can't believe I haven't seen you in... God, months now... I missed you so much. I can't believe you're Liam's roommate, that's so cool, I actually know him from school." 

"That's sick," Niall smiled. "Also, stop with the mushy  _I missed you_ , because I really fucking want to hug you but I don't want to hug you when you're- you know- when your jangly bits are barely covered." 

Harry laughed so hard his cheeks blushed through with crimson. 

"How have you been this long without a new tattoo, anyway?" Niall said. "Wait, you haven't been seeing anyone else have you?" 

"You'll always be my first and only," Harry said with a cheeky grin. He was still pretty tipsy. 

"What was that?" Louis asked, popping in at the strangest possible time, drying his hair off with a towel. 

"My only tattoo artist," Harry assured him. "Don't worry. Not that you'd worry, you know. I just, I'm single. That's what I mean, I mean, I'm not seeing anyone." 

"You okay there, Hazza?" Louis asked. The older boy had returned wearing low slung sweatpants, exposing his curvy but muscled upper body. His skin always looked golden and sun kissed, even when the weather had been shit lately, and his biceps just looked so fucking ready for Harry to grab onto, ready to pin Harry against a wall, against a mattress, against a table. His sweatpants were low enough on his hips that Harry could see his little happy trail of hair leading down underneath his belly button... Harry wanted to lick ice cream off of it, lay his tongue flat against Lou's warm skin, lapping up melted vanilla ice cream off his body, Lou squirming under the shock of the cold ice cream and Harry's warm tongue swirling down his skin, tugging his sweatpants lower. Was that something people did? Was that a normal thing to think about? Was it too kinky? Something about Louis made Harry's thoughts race to places it had never wandered. Maybe he'd had too many drinks. 

Or maybe he hadn't had enough. 

"Mhm," Harry nodded remembering that Lou had asked him a question, biting his lip, his pupils swallowing up the green of his irises, leaving his eyes dark and hungry. 

"Oh Jesus." Niall said, hiding his face behind a pillow. "I'd tell you two to get a room, but we all know how well that worked out last time." 

"Sorry," Harry mumbled, trying not to stare at Louis' body anymore. 

"Are you going to introduce me to your..." Niall struggled to find the right word, "Your, uh, mate?" he finally settled on. 

"Oops," Harry said, "Sorry, Ni, this is Louis." 

"Hi," Louis said, with a small grin. He turned to Harry. "I brought you some of Liam's pjs by the way." 

"Oh thank God," Harry said, grabbing the plaid pj pants as Louis offered them out to him. 

"Bathroom's across the hall, love," Louis said, "Even you can't miss it." 

Harry scampered out of the room, eager to change into something warm, dry, and a bit more modest than his favourite Aerie panties. 

"So," Niall said, turning serious as soon as Harry had left the room. "How did you meet Harry?" 

Louis picked up on his tone as soon as Niall started speaking. "Or," he said, a little bit buzzed, and if he was bold mouthed when he was sober, he was worse when he was tipsy, "We could skip all that and you could just ask me what my intentions are with him." 

"Okay," Niall said. "What are they?" 

"Are you serious?" Louis said. "Can we go back to the first question?" 

"Nope," Niall said. "No take-backs." Louis saw a small smile that Niall tried to hide, and he felt a bit more relaxed. 

"I just like being around him, you know?" Louis said. "It's like, I just... it's so hard to explain." He thought about earlier, when he was thinking about it, waiting for Harry to show up. "It's like there's magnets under my skin that draw me to him. I just feel better when I'm closer. And he's fucking  _fascinating_ ," Louis added. "He's so many different things mashed up into one person, and I just don't want to stop learning new things about him ever, because I'll never be able to even guess what I could be missing out on. 'M sorry," he added, when he paused for a moment and Niall wasn't responding, just looking up from his bed with wide, grey-blue eyes. "I guess I'm a bit more drunk than I thought," he mumbled.  

"Just don't hurt him, okay?" Niall said, locking eyes with Louis. 

"Of course not! I wouldn't-" 

"No," Niall said, "I'm really really fucking serious, Louis. I doubt he'd be confiding in you too much about his ex, because, let's be honest, that gets awkward fast, but he's been on the phone sobbing to me for weeks about Cameron. And to be honest, Cam wasn't even that bad to him, they drifted apart pretty naturally. But to Harry, it's  _devastating_. So if you so much as  _think_ about hurting him in any way, I will fuck you up  _ten times_ whatever damage you could possibly do to Harry." 

"I didn't know he was still upset about Cam," Louis said quietly. 

Niall sighed. "Look, you seem like a really genuine guy, and I know Harry likes you so I want to trust you, but you have to understand... with everything he's been through with Cam, and then of course everything with his dad-"

Harry walked back into the room, in a longsleeve grey t-shirt and plaid pj bottoms. "Tell Liam thanks for the jammies, okay?" Harry smiled, looking cozy and sleepy. 

 _Everything with his dad?_ Louis' mind was reeling, and he shot a quick glance over at Niall, who was looking calm and peaceful, like they hadn't just had a really rushed, really serious conversation that left Louis with a lot to think about. 

"How late do the buses run?" Harry asked, sitting down on Niall's bed. 

"Like one in the morning, I think," Louis said. "You can just stay the night, Liam will be fine with it. He likes you a lot." Louis added. Everyone liked Harry, it just seemed to be Louis that everyone was wary of. 

Harry wrapped his arms around Niall. "Finally get to give you a hug," he said, and gave Niall a sleepy hug, that was very koala-like. "Where am I sleeping tonight?" he asked, even though at this rate it looked like he'd be sleeping on Niall's shoulder. 

"Um," Louis started. "Well, Niall's in his room, obviously, and Liam's in his room, and I'm on the couch, so... wherever you're comfortable, I guess." 

"Okay," Harry said, looking over at Louis sleepily. "Couch it is." 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Louis woke up to what he thought was someone being strangled. All he could hear was gasping and coughing, and thick sobs. He eyes shot open and he looked around for Harry. 

The younger boy was tucked into the corner of the room, his phone to his ear, trembling and curled up on himself, sitting on the floor, his back to the wall, knees tucked to his chest. 

"Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry," he said into the phone, "Just please pick up _please_  I want to talk I want to- I'm sorry for the messages there's a lot of messages,  _please_ answer your phone." He opened his mouth like he was going to say something else, but he couldn't seem to push the words out.

Harry froze with his mouth open, trying to take in air, but he didn't seem to be getting any. It was eerily quiet now, and Louis bolted off of the fold-out couch bed, hurrying to sit down in front of Harry. 

"Hi, sweetie," Louis said, trying to keep his voice calm. Harry's eyes were large, and green, the whites of his eyes red from crying. His breathing was a mess- it didn't seem like he was taking any air into his lungs. Louis took Harry's phone from him, and made sure he'd hung up his call before setting it on the floor carefully. He took Harry's hand in his gently, and placed it over his tummy. Louis took slow breaths, and Harry's hand moved up and down on Lou's belly as Louis' lungs filled and emptied. "Do you want to try?" Louis asked. He placed his hand on Harry's tummy now, and the younger boy tried to match his breathing with Lou's, tried to move Lou's hand slowly as his lungs filled up. Louis kept his breathing at a steady pace and locked his blue eyes on Harry. "You're doing so good, hunny," he said softly. "Breathing so good for me." 

Harry trembled, still trying to breathe, slowly adjusting down to Louis' pace, just a little more unsteady. 

"Hey," Louis said quietly when Harry had calmed down a bit and was breathing fairly regularly. "What's going on, love? Did something happen while I was sleeping?" 

Harry nodded, rubbing his long sleeves across his face, smudging off the tear streaks and the messiness of crying. 

"Let's get you back to bed, okay?" Louis said, helping Harry off the floor. He sat him down on the bed, and Harry flopped over immediately, laying on his side. "You gonna tell me what's wrong?" Louis asked, poking Harry gently on the tiny bit of pudge on his hip. 

"I had a bad dream," Harry admitted, his eyes still shining with tears. 

"It's okay... it's over now," Louis murmured, running his hands gently up and down Harry's back as he laid on the bed facing him. "Who were you trying to call, hun?" Louis asked. 

"Cameron," Harry said, his voice breaking a little. "He didn't pick up, Lou."

"I know," Louis said, "But you left him a message, and maybe he'll call you back in the morning okay? Do you want to get some sleep, love?" Louis wanted to let Harry vent about Cam, but what he wanted more than anything was for Harry just to tell Louis that it wasn't a big deal, and go back to cuddling with Louis like he was before the nightmare. 

Harry looked up at Louis, biting his lip a little too hard, nodding. "Yeah, maybe," he said, but tears were running down his cheeks as he spoke. 

"Shhhh... shhh... I'm sorry," Louis murmured, "We can talk about it, we can talk about anything okay?" 

"I just really thought he loved me," Harry said, and he was sniffling again, rubbing his nose on his borrowed pj sleeves.

Louis felt a sharp pain in his chest. 

This wasn't how the night was supposed to go. Only a few hours ago, the green eyed boy had crawled into the pull out couch with him, snuggling close, and tangling himself up against Louis. A few hours before  _that_ , there had been kissing... a frantic kiss in the hallway, a delicate first kiss in the kitchen, a deep kiss in a shallow pool...

"I know," Louis said. "But things like this happen for a reason... it's okay, something good will come out of it, I promise." 

"I'm just scared," Harry whispered, and hiccuped a little, his breathing still a touch erratic. 

"Why?" Louis asked, still running his hand gently up and down Harry's back. 

"I don't want to say it," Harry mumbled. 

"Tell me," Louis said, his blue eyes insistent. 

"I just... I'm just scared that if Cam fell out of love with me then... I don't know..." Harry ran his hand across his forehead, rubbing away the tension. "Then you might too," he said, the words tumbling out. 

"So you're scared if he leaves you, that means that I would leave you too?" Louis asked. "So you want him to still love you as, like... like a way of proving that things would work out between us?" Louis' brows were furrowed in concentration, struggling to make sense of Harry's muddled anxiety ridden sense of logic when it was the middle of the night and he had more than a few drinks in him. 

Harry nodded. "Everyone leaves me," he whispered, his eyes wide and focused on Louis'. 

All Louis could think about was Niall blurting out something about Harry's dad before he'd been interrupted. He wanted so badly to ask if something had happened- maybe as a child- that left him with a heightened sense of panic when people left him, or if it was just his anxiety making it seem more terrifying than it should be. 

"Well, I'm not leaving any time soon," Louis said quietly. "So you don't have to try and keep your distance, and you don't have to worry about anyone else who's left you- I'll still be here." 

"Okay," Harry whispered, his voice still a little shaky. "Promise?" he murmured. 

"Promise," Louis whispered. 

Louis got himself and Harry back into a comfortable position under the covers- as comfortable as you could be on a lumpy old fold out couch Liam had bought from a thrift shop anyway. 

Harry's eyes were still shining with tears and he looked up at Louis like he wanted to ask him something. 

Louis smoothed Harry's long curls back- they tumbled down well past his shoulders now when he didn't tie his hair up in a bun- and waited for him to say something. 

"Can you-" Harry whispered, closing his eyes and drawing in a deep breath, "Can you check the closet for me, please? And, um, maybe turn the lamp on?" 

"Of course," Louis said, and got up out of bed to look through the closet for Harry- nothing but Liam's towels- and turned on the lamp, the single bulb giving the room a soft glow. 

As Louis crawled back into the makeshift bed, he felt this odd stirring in his chest, like a realization that was bubbling up. 

He knew from growing up with his sister and her anxiety that it wasn't some beautiful, romantic thing, or even something that always made sense. But Lou worried he'd start to enjoy taking care of Harry during his down periods, start to find some sort of romance in helping him calm down, being the only person there to latch onto during the nightmares and panic attacks, being needed, wanted, depended on... but he  _didn't._ Lou found every part of Harry fascinating and beautiful, but his anxiety was something he didn't like seeing Harry struggle through. 

He knew it was a heavy decision to promise not to leave Harry, when breaking that promise could tear open the abandonment scars Harry had already been left with. 

The younger boy stirred under the covers, curling tighter against Louis, mumbling something in his sleep, whimpering a little bit as he buried his face against Louis' chest. 

"It's okay, love," Louis whispered. "I'm right here, okay? I'm right here." 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 

 _"Jesus Christ, Harry Edward Styles, wake the fuck up!"_ Niall yelled. Harry's eyes darted open. 

"What's wrong?" he asked, feeling the drop in his chest like you got on a roller coaster, only significantly more terrifying. His head was pounding- probably from the drinks the other night, but Niall was sitting on the bed, literally  _on_ Harry's legs, grabbing his shoulders. 

"They fucking  _legalized_  it!" Niall shouted, beaming like the actual sun. 

Harry tried to sit up, pushing his friend's hands off him. 

"Wait,  _what?"_ Harry asked. 

Louis was half awake next to Harry, and he looked over in amusement at Niall straddling Harry. "What's happening?" he asked sleepily, his voice husky and his eyes squinting against the morning light. "They legalize weed or somethin'?" He blinked, trying to make his eyes adjust to the light. 

"What? No," Niall said, shooting Louis a quick  _what's-wrong-with-you_ glare. "Marriage," he said, his blue eyes glowing. "Equal marriage in America. Every last goddamn state." 

"Stop," Harry said, his green eyes flickering. "Are you being serious or-"

"I'm so effing serious right now, H," Niall said, shoving his phone in front of Harry. "Look. Look at what the  _literal President of America_ tweeted." 

Harry scrolled through Niall's phone, going through the LoveWins hashtag. 

Louis sat up beside him. "That's amazing," he said sleepily. 

It didn't even matter that they weren't even American, Harry was beaming like it was Christmas, his hands trembling a little as he reached for his phone. Louis peered over his shoulder as Harry sent out a tweet. 

_Huge day for America.. Happy to see the news. All the love_

"That's so sweet," Louis said, his cheeks hurt a little from smiling already. "I didn't even know you had a twitter." 

"I have like, ten followers," Harry laughed. "Feel free to be number eleven though." 

Louis rested his chin on Harry's shoulder, nuzzling into his neck a little. Lou was always a little more needy in the morning. He drew his fingers up and down Harry's arm slowly until Harry's breathing hitched a little. He kissed the younger boy gently on the cheek, and Harry reached for Louis' hand to thread their fingers together. 

Niall pretended not to see how intertwined the two of them were, turning his attention to his phone instead, just as Liam walked into the room, holding a cup of coffee, blanket still wrapped around his broad shoulders. 

"Good news for you, Liam!" Louis said, his eyes glimmering the moment Liam walked in. 

"Why's that?" Liam asked, sipping on his coffee and taking an advil with it. 

"Equal marriage in the states." 

"Oh wow! Oh wow, that's amazing! Congrats, mate," Liam said to Louis. "You too," he smiled at Harry. 

"I mean, it's especially good for  _you_ , because, well, you know," Louis smirked at Liam. 

"Actually, I don't know," Liam said. "I mean, I'm really excited for everyone else though." He looked genuinely confused. 

"Oh! Are you pan or bi or something?" Harry asked, looking up from Niall's phone. "I never really asked I don't think."

"I'm-" Liam started but Louis cut him off. 

"He made out with a male model once," Louis commented, stealing Liam's coffee from where he'd just set it down on the table and taking a dramatic sip. 

"Oh God," Liam said. " _That's_  what you're on about. Go on, tell the story then," he said, rolling his eyes a little as his lips tugged up in a small smile. 

"Okay," Louis said, making little hand gestures as he spoke. "So we were at this thing, this party right? And I was just beyond ready to leave. There was literally only one decent looking guy there, and he'd wandered off early in the night. Anyway, I go looking for Payno, and he's on the floor underneath this actual  _flawless_  looking guy, who we find out later is a  _male model_ , and they're just going at it." 

Harry giggled, hiding his grin behind his shirt sleeves. 

Niall was laughing too, and Liam was just shaking his head, smiling a little at Louis' theatrics. 

"Anyway, Liam told me later that they were play fighting and then, what was his name-?" Louis asked. 

"Zayn," Liam replied. 

"Oh, right! Yeah, Zayn was just all 'come on then, come on' and then started kissing him. And Mr. I'm Straight over here was just having the time of his life." Louis continued. "I practically had to peel them off of each other." 

Harry looked over with raised eyebrows. 

"It was honestly just one little kiss," Liam said, shaking his head a little bit. "Tommo over here just has a flair for the dramatic." 

"Learning all sorts of things about my new roommate today," Niall said, smirking a little. 

"I'm making pancakes now," Liam said, ignoring everyone. "Who wants pancakes?" 

"God, Payno, everyone wants pancakes. Pancakes, Advil, and coffee," Louis said, pulling out his own phone which was stuffed full of texts from his close friends and family telling him about the equal marriage laws. 

Liam left for the kitchen, and Niall scurried after him, not wanting to third wheel with Louis and Harry. 

Louis tugged the neckline of Harry's shirt to the side a little so he could kiss his shoulders, his neck, and his jawline. 

"Good morning," Harry murmured, when Louis had pulled away to look at the green eyed boy. His voice was husky, and suddenly he started laughing a little. 

"What?" Louis asked, his eyebrows raised as Harry turned to a giggling mess beside him on the couch-bed. 

"You can even get married in  _Texas_ now, Lou," he finally managed to say between fits of giggles. "Who ever thought that day would come?" 

"I guess people finally learned what we've known forever," Lou smiled, tickling Harry's tummy a little to keep him giggling. "Love is love."  

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

"Want me to take the bus back with you?" Louis asked smiling so that his eyes crinkled a little, shrugging into his dark grey hoodie. 

"Mhmm," Harry said, sipping on his tea, almost finished. "Should I change back into my clothes or-?" 

Liam looked up from the couch. "You can just wear my pajamas home and wash them and bring them back next time you're over." 

Harry smiled a little at that, at the promise of being able to come over again sometime soon. 

"Are you leaving now?" Niall asked, stepping out of the kitchen, where he was loading up the dishwasher. 

"Yeah, I think," Harry said, "I have to get back to the dorms and pack before I go back home tomorrow." 

"Do you have everything?" Louis asked, gathering up his jacket, wallet and phone. 

Harry nodded, and then looked over at Niall, who came over for a hug. 

"Missed you  _so_  much," Harry mumbled into Niall's shoulder. 

"Missed you too, mate," Niall said. "Let me tattoo you soon, okay?" 

"Okay," Harry smiled, and then Liam stepped forward and hugged him goodbye as well. 

Harry stepped outside, and Louis was about to follow, but Niall walked up behind him, waiting to talk to him. 

"Can I just-" Niall started. He looked a bit uncomfortable. "I just really need to ask you something." 

"Sure, anything," Louis said, tugging his shoes on. 

"It's just... it's about Harry," Niall said quietly, even though there was no way Harry would hear them from outside the house. 

"Okay," Louis said, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion. 

"I know you two are starting to get close, but Harry's only..." Niall's face was flushed beet red at this point. "...he's only been with one guy before, which I  _know_ is his business and it's not my place to tell you that, but I just need you to be careful with him okay? Don't take things too fast with him, alright, mate? Sorry, this is awkward," Niall laughed nervously. 

"Got it," Louis nodded, his head spinning- flashing back to every guy he'd met at a bar that'd he fucked partially for the free drinks... and mostly for the feeling that someone,  _anyone_  wanted him. Lou thought of every guy who's name he didn't remember, who he'd danced with so filthily at grimy nightclubs it was more like foreplay than dancing... he thought of every time he'd waited for someone to fall asleep before slipping out of their apartment because he knew if it was something he was already regretting while tipsy, he wouldn't be able to look at them sober in the morning. 

And then he thought of Harry, all green eyes and pretty tattoos and  _patience_ and this innate sense of goodness that Louis didn't-  _couldn't_ \- have. Harry, who probably waited years for the guy who he was sure was The One, a guy who he was in love with... and Louis who didn't always bother to ask for a name because it didn't even matter. 

Louis felt sick as he stepped outside to join Harry. Harry's eyes were bright and expectant, like he was waiting for Louis to say something, or do something, but Louis stayed quiet, not wanting to even make eye contact.  

"Are you okay?" Harry asked, a looking a little scared to touch Louis, like he had some irrational fear that he might break him. 

"I just, I really need a smoke," Louis mumbled. "I'm sorry," he added before going through his pockets and frantically fumbling to get out his lighter and a cigarette. Once he had lit up, he took deep drags of his cigarette, closing his eyes in bliss, and sitting on the front porch as smoke fell from his lips. 

"Feel better?" Harry asked, smiling a little, sitting down next to the older boy, and slipping his hand around his waist gently. 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't-" 

"It's fine," Harry said gently, nudging his hip. 

Louis let the smoke pool out of his mouth before taking another long drag. "It's not  _fine_ ," he replied. "I shouldn't be this... this  _dependent,_ it just sorta happened. Sorry," he added, his voice still a little ragged around the edges, sounding like he'd just woken up, "We don't need to talk about it or anything, it just, I don't know, it just sucks sometimes." he tried to laugh a little bit, like he was shaking it off, like he didn't want to talk to Harry about anything serious. 

"When did you start?" Harry asked, his green eyes looking at Louis carefully. 

"Um, I was like eighteen I think? There was this guy- of  _course_ ," Louis rolled his eyes before continuing, "And he smoked, and I just sort of started then I guess. Thought it could just be an occasional thing, but  _nope_ ," he said, biting the inside of his cheek. He tapped the ash off the end of his cigarette. 

"I'm sorry," Harry said, he rested his hand on Louis knee, rubbing his thumb a little against the tear in Louis' jeans. 

They sat in silence until Louis finished his cigarette and crushed it onto the pavement with his worn in shoes. 

"I think the bus is coming in a few minutes so-" Harry started, leaning forward to kiss Louis, but Lou wouldn't turn to meet his lips, so he just kissed him on the cheek instead. 

"I think... I think I'm just gonna go back a little later tonight, okay?" Louis said, still not meeting Harry's eyes.

"Okay," Harry said quietly, closing his eyes for a moment before he stood to go walk to the bus stop.

Louis sat on the front porch as Harry left, wanting another cigarette, but not wanting to have to watch Harry walk all the way down to the end of the road in Liam's baggy pajamas, looking so  _alone_. He felt his chest tighten as Harry stepped onto the bus, and Louis went back into Liam's place, slamming the door a little too aggressively behind him. 

"Wait- aren't you going back with Harry?" Liam asked as Louis walked back into the house. 

"I'm still hungover, can we talk about this tomorrow?" Louis asked. He was feeling irritable now that Harry was gone, missing being curled up next to him, missing even just getting to touch his arms and kiss his neck. All he could see was Harry's green eyes squeeze shut when he told him he didn't  want to take the bus with him. 

Lou let out a sigh of relief when he found he still had three cigs in the pack, and he tried to step past Liam to go out for another smoke.

"If you try and put this off we're never going to talk about it," Liam said. "Then again... not like you listen to me anyway."

"God you're unbearable when you're hungover," Louis snapped, almost crushing his cigarette in between his fingers from the tension.

Louis was a complete arsehole when he hadn't had his usual amount of cigarettes, and Liam got irritable when he was hungover. They usually just avoided each other the mornings after a long night so they wouldn't fight about pointless stuff. They'd been so close for so many years, none of it mattered after a few hours, but it was best to just avoid it in the first place.

Usually the problem was that Liam wanted to protect Louis- he seemed to think Louis didn't take good enough care of himself. He always was always on Louis' case to not let people use him, to see himself as having value. Louis didn't mind feeling disposable though, it saved him from feeling like he was letting anyone down. He just wasn't the boyfriend type, and leaving the bar with some guy, getting to be  _wanted..._ it wasn't a bad thing to Lou to be an object if he could be an object that someone wanted, even just for the night instead of just slowly letting them down over a few months or years.

"Woah, what's up?" Niall asked, stepping out of the kitchen with another cup of tea, still a little uncomfortable around Louis and Liam, but slowly adjusting. "Is something going on, or-?"

"Louis over here just doesn't understand how to have a healthy love life like a normal adult," Liam told Niall.

"Fuck off," Louis said. "It's none of your bloody business, why do you even  _care_?" he asked.

"He cares because he's your friend," Niall said, stepping in hesitantly, even though it wasn't his place. "What are you two even on about anyway?"

"Harry," Liam said.

"Oh," Niall said, raising his eyebrows a little. "Did anyone ask Harry how he feels about whatever's going on?"

Liam sighed. "Harry's clearly not the problem here."

Louis took one long withering glare at Liam before he strode out of the house, this time slamming the door so hard behind him that the glass panel shook. 


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Louis talks about his weight a little bit, not sure if that's an issue for anyone so here's a warning!

"You working tonight?" Louis asked Liam, making himself a sandwich, struggling to get everything to fit into the bread. "Oh, you're out of mustard, by the way." 

"Go home, you leech," Liam said, rolling his eyes. "But yeah, I'm working from nine until two in the morning, I think. Why?" Liam asked. 

Louis lifted himself up to sit on the kitchen counter. "Just wondering... think I might join you or something." 

Liam raised his eyebrows. 

"Don't," Louis said, closing his eyes and sighing. "I can make my own decisions." 

"Okay," Liam said. "I'm leaving in fifteen... if you don't change your mind by then, just meet me out by the bus stop, alright?" 

Louis finished his sandwich and slipped into Liam's bathroom to brush his teeth before he left. He shot off a quick text to the RA that worked on the floor beneath him. They weren't usually supposed to be away from their floors, but when most of the students were gone on reading week, the RAs usually just covered each others floors and took some time off. Louis texted Andrew quickly, knowing he'd never say no to Louis. Most people didn't.  

**L:** _Hey mate, sorry, can you cover my floor tonight again? ?they should be fine I think theres less than ten kids left that havent gone home yet for reading week. just like check up on my floor a few times tonight ive got you covered for when you visit your family tomorrow !  !_

He waited until he got back a text saying everything was fine before he started trying to fix himself up. 

He pulled off his t-shirt, about to change into his spare shirt he'd packed, when he stopped and really looked at himself in the mirror. 

The rooms in residence didn't come with mirrors, so unless the students brought their own (which Louis didn't) they only really had to face their reflection whenever they were brushing their teeth in the common bathroom. 

Louis stood with his shirt off, hands over his stomach. His weight was always fluctuating, and there was always a sort of distance that he saw between himself and the mirror... it never really felt like him. 

As much as his weight went up and down by a few pounds, he'd never actually been overweight before. He  _knew_ that. But for some reason that's not what he saw... he saw his tummy, always a little round no matter how much he worked out, and his thick thighs that he had a hard time getting into skinny jeans, and his ass that he knew guys loved, but to him it just felt like more fat. Lou pinched his belly, thinking about what he'd look like if he were a little smaller, even though he already knew the answer. He'd lost a lot of weight in second year, and he could barely manage to smile anymore, he was so exhausted- constantly. Liam helped him gain everything back before it got too bad, and started going to the gym with him to build muscle- but the worst part was that even at that point, at the lowest point of Louis' life and his lowest number on the scale, it still didn't feel like enough...  _he_ didn't feel like enough. 

Louis quickly slipped on a black shirt (black was slimming, right?) and ran some gel through his hair that he found on the counter that was probably Niall's. He knew he shouldn't be drinking two nights in a row, but he just needed  _something_. 

He met Liam at the bus stop, and spent the whole bus ride checking his phone for messages from Harry. 

He didn't get any. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Liam, I want another one," Louis slurred. "Make me another one, I don't know what it was, it was blue though. Make me something blue, okay?" Louis leaned against the bar, batting his eyes at Liam. "Hurry up bartender," he whined. 

Liam sighed. "I'm not making you a drink, Lou. I don't know who's been serving you," Liam shot a quick glare at his coworker, "But you should have been cut off a few drinks ago."

"But I want a-" 

"No," Liam said, wiping down the counter and taking Lou's empty glass from him. "I don't even know how many you've had but it's clearly too much. Just go dance for a little bit or something." 

Louis pouted. 

"I'm seriously not making you any more drinks, Lou." 

"But that's your  _job_ ," Louis slurred. "That's your fucking job, you fucking loser," he mumbled. 

Liam pushed a glass of water across the counter toward Louis, and Lou ignored it, heading for the dance floor. 

He was just on the edge of the crowd when someone grabbed his wrist, making Lou gasp a little and spin around to see who it was. He stumbled a bit and wound up bumping into the stranger. 

"Hey gorgeous," the older man said into Louis' ear. "Let me buy you a drink. What are you drinking?" 

"I, I don't know," Louis slurred. "But I've already, I think I've already had seven of them, maybe... I don't remember." 

"Well your eighth drink is on me tonight, babe," the man said, returning a moment later with a mixed drink that tasted like peaches. 

Louis swayed a little bit, but downed half the glass in his first swig. Louis closed his eyes and brushed his hips against the older man, struggling to follow the beat of the music as he danced. He tried to move his hips against the older man, but all he could think about was what it would be like to be moving like this against Harry, their hips pressing together with the music, the younger boy flushed pink with too many drinks, Lou grabbing hold of his waist to pull him tighter...

"God you've got a nice body," the man said, looking at Louis like he were for sale, interrupting Louis' daydreams. 

"Thanks," Louis mumbled, sipping on his drink. The bar felt hazy now- it was really more of a club than a bar, honestly- and the pounding music felt as though it were going straight to Louis' headache.

"You should come home with me." 

"I... I can't," Louis stammered. 

"C'mon, you gonna play hard to get, pretend you're not that type or are you gonna come home with me like I know you want to?" The man asked, running his hands across Louis' hips and down to squeeze his bum. 

"I... I... I'm sorry," Louis said, fumbling over his words, and sprinting for the bathroom. Everything around him pulsed and swayed, the lights piercing through his thoughts, the music feeling heavy on skin. Lou struggled to make it in the right direction, but everything seemed to be tipping and twisting. He burst into a bathroom stall and crouched by the toilet, his stomach contracting over and over. He held onto the seat, feeling his eyes burning with tears and shame. 

He hadn't drank himself sick in a long time. 

Louis sat on the bathroom floor, knowing fully well how disgusting the floor was but he was already feeling gross enough that it didn't seem to matter. 

He couldn't stop thinking about Harry. He  _wanted_  him... in every way. Wanted to be close with him, connected. He knew it wasn't something that would happen right away, even if Harry wanted it to, but Louis couldn't stop worrying about it now that him and Harry were... were  _something_. 

If anything happened between him and Harry, Louis would be Harry's second, which was more than okay with Louis- he didn't feel threatened at all by not being his first or anything. 

The thing that made Louis' head spin (besides all the alcohol pounding through his bloodstream) was not knowing which number Harry would even be for him. Harry didn't deserve to be with someone like that, someone like him. 

But he was. 

Louis stood up from the floor, his legs shaking a little as he left the bathroom and headed for the exit, his fingers already fumbling through his wallet for his bus pass, drunk but determined.  

"Hey, pretty boy, where are you headed?" a man asked him. Louis thought it was the man he was dancing with earlier but he couldn't tell. 

"To see my boyfriend," Louis slurred, closing his eyes for a moment to stop the room from shaking. "Gonna go see my boyfriend now."

"You have a boyfriend?" The stranger asked. 

"I think so." 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 

Lou slumped against his bus seat, trying to keep his eyes open for the twenty minute bus ride.

When he finally got to the right stop, he stumbled up to his building, hands trembling a little as he fumbled with his ID card and struggled to type in the passcode to get into the building.

He closed his eyes as the elevator took him up to the seventh floor, but the floor already felt like it was moving, so it wasn't too much of a difference.

He headed straight for Harry's room, squinting against the harsh florescent lights as he knocked on Harry's door.

"Hi," Louis singsonged when Harry finally opened the door. "I missed you," he said, latching onto the younger boy as soon as he could.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked, sounding like he'd just woken up.

"Mmmm you're sexy, I wish I were dancing with you," Louis mumbled into Harry's shoulder, trying to sway a little back and forth.

"Lou, are you... drunk?" Harry asked, holding back a laugh.

"Little bit," Louis admitted, giggling softly.

"I can dance with you if that's what you want," Harry smiled, holding Lou's shoulders and swaying slowly.

"Not that type of dancing," Louis whispered. He started moving his hips against Harry's and the younger boy's cheeks flushed before he gently moved Louis away.

"Not right now, okay?" Harry said, "You're really drunk, Lou, you should probably just get some rest, do you need help getting into bed?"

"Mmmm are you gonna come to bed with me?" Louis asked, tugging on the hem of Harry's pajama shirt.

"Yeah, just sit down on the bed and I'll help you with your shoes and stuff, okay?" Harry said, helping Louis sit down on the bed.

Harry got down on his knees to undo Louis' shoes, and he looked up to see Louis biting his lip.

"Look so pretty like that," Louis murmured.

Harry blushed, and finished getting Louis out of his shoes.

"Did you need help getting out of your jeans as well?" Harry asked carefully.

Louis nodded, and Harry slowly unbuttoned them and let Lou lift up his hips so he could shimmy the older boy's skinny jeans off his legs.

"Here, let me get you some pjs," Harry said, ruffling through his dresser drawer until he found a pair.

Louis managed to get on the pajama pants easily enough, but he struggled with the shirt, so he lifted his hands up and let Harry put it on for him.

Lou pulled Harry onto the bed for a kiss, and quickly deepened it, tugging at Harry's shirt to keep him close. Lou dipped his hands a little under the waistband of Harry's pajama bottoms, whining a little when Harry moved his hands away.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked.

"Don't you want me to...?" Louis asked, confusion muddling everything.

Harry sat down on the bed next to him, leaving a little space between the two of them and resting his hand softly on the older boy's knee. "I don't even want to  _think_ about doing anything with you right now, Lou, of  _course_ not, you're too drunk."

"That's never stopped anyone else," Louis said softly, looking up at Harry with wide blue eyes that were watering slightly.

"Oh, _Lou_ ," Harry said, his brows drawing together in concern. "I'm really sorry."

Louis hiccuped, and drew his knees to his chest. "It's just you've known me for, for a few months now and I haven't given you anything, I don't know, I don't know what... what you're getting from me, don't know why you keep me around."

Louis' words were muddled and slurred, but Harry understood him.

"You're more than just a body, Lou," Harry murmured, smoothing out Louis' tangled hair with his fingers.

"Doesn't feel like it," Louis mumbled, burying his face into the crook of Harry's shoulder.

"I could go on for hours about how much you light up every room that you walk into," Harry said. "But you wouldn't remember it in the morning." He smiled a little, and ran his thumb across Louis' knuckles.

"Tell me anyway," Louis said softly.

"I don't know... there's just so many little things." Harry said, "It's just... like the way your eyes crinkle up when you smile, and the way you drink a ridiculous amount of tea, and how you seem so confident when you're singing in front of everyone even if I know deep down you must be a little nervous. And I know you're a little self conscious of this," Harry moved his hand onto Louis' small belly, "And these," he patted Louis' thighs, "But you really don't need to be... you're just, you're  _so_  perfect to me, Lou."

"Are we... are we boyfriends?" Louis asked, wrapping his arms around the younger boy.

"Um, I don't- we haven't talked about that yet," Harry stammered.

"Do you want to be boyfriends?" Louis asked.

"Will you remember when you're sober?" Harry asked.

Louis nodded, looking up at Harry eagerly.

"Then yes," Harry said, his face lighting up in a smile.

Louis smiled back and pressed his lips against Harry's. He didn't really move them, just pressed them there, got tired and slumped back against the younger boy's shoulder. Harry bit his tongue to keep from laughing.

"Are you gonna sleep now, Lou?" Harry asked, nudging Louis softly.

"Mhmm," Louis murmured. He was sluggish, and his eyes were reddened, but he looked up at Harry with one more smile before he collapsed onto the pillows.

Louis' phone started buzzing and Harry quickly fished it out of Louis' jeans, handing it to Lou to answer.

"Mm you answer it," Louis mumbled into the pillow.

Harry decided to just let whoever it was go to message, but as soon as it stopped, it started up again.

"Hello?" Harry answered.

"Look, I don't know who you are, but you need to lay your hands off my friend, he's too fucking drunk for this right now. Tell me your address- I'll pick him up and we won't have any problems, alright? But if you make this difficult on me, I will make it difficult for you,  _understand?"_

"Liam?" Harry asked. "What's going on?"

"Oh! Harry, thank God," Liam sighed in relief. "Oh thank God, do you have Louis with you?"

"Yeah, yeah I do... my roommate went home for reading week on Friday night, so I have the room to myself. I'll keep an eye on him until he's sobered up," Harry said, rubbing Louis' back gently. He turned to face the older boy, nudging his shoulder slightly. "Liam's on the phone, Lou, wanna say hi?"

Louis took the phone from Harry and pressed it against his ear, his eyes closed as he talked, clearly too tired to keep them open. "Hi," Louis mumbled into the phone. "Yeah... yeah I know... uh huh... mmm sorry Liam... love you so much..." he giggled. "Thanks, Liam, byeee."

He passed the phone back to Harry.

"Is everything okay?" Harry asked Liam, his voice a little hushed even though Louis seemed too drunk to be too involved in anything other than bundling himself up in Harry's sheets.

"Yeah," Liam said. "Yeah, just worried about him. He was at the bar tonight and there was this older guy that wouldn't leave him alone, I thought he followed him to the bus stop." Liam let out a shaky breath. "Take care of him, alright?" Liam said.

"I will," Harry promised.

"Well, goodnight," Liam said, his voice still sounding a little tense, like he couldn't shake the fear that something could have happened to Louis.

"Liam?" Harry said.

"Yeah?"

"He's really lucky to have a friend like you," Harry said.

"Thanks," Liam replied.

"Night," Harry said, and hung up Louis' phone, setting it gently on his desk.

He settled under the covers, with Louis curled up against his chest, completely knocked out from a long night of drinking.

"I'm really glad you're okay..." Harry whispered, and kissed Louis gently on the forehead. "...boyfriend," he added, smiling to himself before trying to wrangle some of the blankets out of Louis' tight grasp. 

 

* * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 

"I miss you already," Harry said quietly into the phone. 

"You've been gone for like, four days," Louis smiled, "Calm down, Curly." 

"I know, but you were hungover when I left and I haven't really seen you since we became... you know... boyfriends?" Harry was shy as he said the last word, as though he were scared of breaking some sort of spell. 

"I know, hun, I gotta step up my game... take you on a proper date and all that." 

"Mhmmm," Harry said, blushing a little bit. He picked at a loose thread in his sweater and bit his lip a little. He lived for the sound of Louis' voice... something in it made him feel all wobbly and nervous, but in a good way. He felt warmer when he was listening to Lou, like the feeling you got when you were sitting next to a cozy fireplace cuddled up in your favourite old quilt from when you were younger. 

"So what's it like being back at home?" Louis asked, "First time back from school's always the weirdest." 

"It's fine," Harry said. "A bit strange to come home to my old bedroom being just like I left it," he admitted, "It's like some part of me was just frozen in time or something." Harry looked over at where his box of old high school assignments and notebooks sat, slowly gathering dust in the corner. 

"Yeah," Louis said, "I know that feeling. My mum just left me room like it was when I was seventeen... I swear it's like a museum or something." 

Harry bit his cheek when Louis' said 'me' instead of 'my'. He knew the older boy was just from a different part of England that was probably only a few hours away, but the little differences in his accent charmed Harry every single time.

"So I was thinking I might get a new tattoo," Harry said, smiling to himself, even though Louis couldn't see him over the phone. He clutched his pillow to his chest, aching to be close to Louis, as though hearing him weren't enough. 

"Yeah?" Lou asked. "What are you getting?" 

"I think maybe," Harry started, "I think maybe, like, a rose? Is that stupid? I just, I just kind of... there was this... I just... um, it'd just look nice, I reckon," he stammered, trailing off a little. Part of him wanted to explain why he was getting it, but a bigger part of him knew it wasn't the kind of thing you could explain over the phone. Harry didn't even know if the rose was something he could explain if he had Louis sitting right there on his too small twin bed, looking at him with patient blue eyes... didn't know if his dad was something he even wanted to bring up with Louis  _ever_ , when he'd already let Louis in on too many of his problems. 

Sometimes Harry felt like he were just standing in pieces in front of Louis. He didn't need to be put back together or anything, but he still didn't like the idea of Lou seeing him like that. Harry wanted to pretend to be full and happy and bursting with life like Louis was. Not splintered and fractured and held together with shaking breaths and trembling hands. 

"It sounds beautiful, love," Louis said simply. "It'll look _so_  pretty on you. You can tell me all about it sometime later, okay?"

"Okay," Harry agreed. "It's so weird talking on the phone with you," Harry giggled. "I'm used to you being down the hall from me." 

"I know, babe, it's lonely here, like two exchange students stayed during the break but everyone else is gone now. The whole campus is a ghost town, feels like I'm the only one here." 

"Do you miss me?" Harry asked coyly. 

"Mhmm... course I do," Louis murmured. 

"I like listening to your voice..." Harry said, his voice getting softer, but his heart beating furiously, stuttering against his ribcage. 

"Yeah, love?" Louis asked. "Like my voice nice and quiet right by your ear, hm? Like having me this close, babe?" 

"M _hmmm_ ," Harry murmured, his eyes fluttering closed. He felt a warmth spreading into his lower tummy and he bit his lip, sucking on his lip ring. "Mmm, Lou, I can't stop thinking about-" 

"Hey, did you want any hot cocoa?" 

Harry literally shrieked, his phone slipping out of his hand and he shot up in bed. 

" _Jesus,_  Gem, you can't just burst in like that... s _hit."_  Harry scrambled to find his phone that was lost in his covers somewhere. 

"Oh my God, what did I interrupt?" Gemma asked, setting the hot cocoa on Harry's dresser as she watched her younger brother frantically search for his phone. 

Harry blushed furiously when he found his phone, pressing it up to his ear, his cheeks blazing red. "I um, I have to go my sister, like, family time and... yeah, I'll text you? Alright... bye." 

Harry hung up the phone. He reached out for the mug and sipped on his hot chocolate, not making eye contact with his sister. 

"Who were you talking to?" Gemma asked, her eyebrows raised. 

"I uhh, there's just this guy," Harry admitted, not making eye contact with Gem. 

"I didn't interrupt your phone sex, did I?" 

" _Gem_." Harry said, his eyes widening in shock.  

"Sorry," Gemma laughed. She sat cross legged on the edge of Harry's bed. "So tell me about this mystery man." 

Harry sighed, and decided that if him and Louis were  _something_  now that probably meant he'd have to start telling people soon. Harry always felt a little uncomfortable with sharing good news, it made him anxious that something would go wrong with it if he talked about it. 

"I'm kind of seeing this guy Louis?" Harry said. And his sister looked over at him patiently and let him slowly stumble out the whole story as the two of them sipped on their hot cocoa. 

His mom came in a little while later with a Scrabble board, and Harry spent the rest of the night laughing with his family over what counted as a word. Apparently 'vibey' didn't count, even though Lou used it all the time. 

Harry changed into his comfiest pajamas and crawled into bed shortly after midnight. He pulled out his phone and lowered the brightness, texting Louis a quick ' _I miss you'_ before laying down next to the phone, trying not to fall asleep until he heard his phone vibrate. 

**L:** _Miss you too, you in bed now?_

**H:** _mmmhhhfmmmmm_

**L:** _aww sounds like someones tired_

**H:** _no mmm just a bit sleeepy lou_

**L:** _yeah? you all tucked in?_

**H:** _yeah wish you were hereee though louis_

**L:** _I know hunny, just close your eyes okay? I'll be there when you fall asleep, alright? I'll come and curl up with you, promise._

Harry's eyes shut one more time and he was too tired to open them this time. Logically, of course Louis wasn't going to take a train a few hours to Harry's house and come and cuddle with him, but a very small part of him kept his eyes firmly shut hoping that the older boy would slip into his bed with him, wrap his curvy body against Harry's and protect him from every scary thing that Harry saw at night. 

As much as he knew Louis was just texting sweet nothings, the bed did feel warmer that night, and when Harry finally drifted off, he dreamed of strong arms pulling him closer and tracing little constellations across his scars until they all faded off his skin. 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 

"You almost ready to leave?" Gemma asked, stepping into Harry's room where Harry was trying to do up the zipper on his suitcase. He swore his clothes must have expanded during the week he'd spent visiting home. 

"Yeah, pretty much. Still got an hour and everything's packed I think," Harry said. He looked over at his sister, and did a quick double take. "You look really nice today," he said sincerely, trying to figure out what was different. 

"Thanks," Gem smiled. "Bought some new makeup, so." 

"It makes your eyes look really nice," Harry said, sounding a little wistful, and  _maybe_  just a tiny bit jealous.

Gemma sat down on the bed, and paused for a moment before saying, "I could teach you how to do makeup if you wanted? Just a little bit, you know, nothing too crazy." 

"Um," Harry said. "Yeah, that might be alright." 

"I'll get some stuff I haven't opened yet," Gemma offered, leaving for her room to get her things. 

Harry wanted to call out that it was okay, that she shouldn't waste her brand new makeup on him, but he didn't, he selfishly though about being on his first date with Louis, lashes long and thick, lips a pale pink, and he kept his mouth shut waiting for Gem to come back with her makeup bag. 

She came back with bags full of coloured tubes, sponges, and compacts, and Harry sat patiently while she rooted through her things. "Anything you wanted to try in particular?" she asked. 

Gemma smiled, and Harry relaxed a little. His sister always seemed to have a good intuition for the things that Harry wanted but was too shy to ask for. 

"Do you, um, is there anything to get rid of my acne marks?" Harry asked shyly. He had a few scars on his face from the past couple years. Having acne was bad enough, but having acne  _and_ anxiety usually meant scratching at his face when he was upset and leaving little scars over his cheeks and forehead he didn't know how to get rid off. 

"Mhm, that's called concealer," Gemma said, squeezing some pale liquid from a thin tube. "I'm just gonna put some BB cream on you first, okay? Maybe a bit of primer to fill in the little scars," she mused to herself. 

Harry watched which products she was using, carefully keeping note of how much she used and where she put it. 

"So we fill in your pores and scars first," she explained, "then we smooth out your skin tone just a little- not  _nearly_ enough that it'll look like foundation though- and then I'm just gonna dab some concealer over the red marks... perfect." She held up a hand mirror and Harry looked in, mesmerized by his calm looking skin, no more angry looking acne scars.  

"Now," Gemma continued, "For when you want to go full out- like, say, a date or something-" she gave Harry a knowing look, "You just want to dust on a tiny bit of highlighter, it'll make you look like you're glowing... make sure to put some over your cupid's bow... literally _barely_  any contour, but a little wouldn't hurt, and like half a coat of mascara... did you want lipstick?" 

Harry nodded, a little too eagerly. 

Gemma smiled, and pulled out a soft petal pink, dabbing it gently onto Harry's lips instead of rubbing it all over, so he just had the faintest flush of pink to his lips. "You look nice," she said, handing him the mirror again. 

Harry tried to fight the urge to smile, telling himself he shouldn't love this as much as he did, but his eyelashes flicked closed against his glowing skin and all he could think about was Louis seeing him like this, soft and pink lipped and radiant. "I love it," Harry admitted, and hugged his sister. "Thank you so much." 

"Keep the makeup, alright?" Gemma said, packing it into a plain black makeup bag. 

"I can't, Gem," Harry said, "It's probably really expensive and-" 

Gem waved her hand, and handed him the bag. "Consider it an early anniversary present then. For you and Louis." 

"Gem, we're nowhere  _near_ any sort of anniversary," Harry said, but he held the bag tight to his chest, selfishly not wanting to give it back. 

"Well, maybe I have faith in you," Gemma said, and Harry pulled her into a hug."Love you," Gemma said. "Always." 

"Love you too," Harry said, still clutching tight to the little black makeup bag in his hand. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Harry giggled, sipping on his ginger ale and looking over at Louis with a flirty glance. 

"You look nice tonight," Louis said. "Like really fucking good," he bit his lip and reached across the table for Harry's hand. 

They were at a classy little restaurant Louis had picked out, and they'd been laughing in the dim lighting, sharing their food, and sending flirty looks across the table the whole night. 

Their dessert arrived, a white chocolate cheesecake, and Louis patted the spot next to him in the booth. "It'd be easier to share if you came over here, love," Louis said. 

Harry's heartbeat stammered in his chest as he slipped into the booth right next to Louis. 

"Hi," he whispered, nuzzling lightly into Louis' shoulder, before remembering that he was wearing makeup, a carefully recreation of what his sister had taught him a few days prior. He quickly checked to make sure none of it came off on Louis' button down, and sighed in relief when it didn't. 

"Open," Louis said with a smile, holding up a fork with a small bite of cheesecake on it. 

Harry parted his lips, still pale pink with the lipstick and took the bite slowly, looking at Louis under thick lashes. He swallowed and bit his lip, and then Louis was leaning in for a kiss. It was warm and slow and heavy and Harry was getting lightheaded with how much he just  _wanted_. 

He pulled away and bit his lip coyly. 

"Can we talk about something not sexy?" Louis asked quietly. "Because I kinda want to make out with you on this table right now and I don't think our waiter would appreciate that." 

Harry nodded, blushing a little, his lips turning up into a smile.  

"So I have the change of rooms form filled out and everything," Louis said, changing the subject. "I just need you to sign, so don't get too unpacked from reading week," he smiled. 

"Wait, um," Harry said, "What form?" 

"Well, you know I'd lose my job if we, did  _this_ and lived on the same floor, so I kinda figured when we made things more official you'd move out? I really can't be doing this at all if you're still going to live in the same dorm as me... I honestly wouldn't have gone out with you tonight at all if I thought you weren't moving out soon. Sorry if I didn't make that clear...?" Louis asked, his brows drawing into confusion. 

"Oh!" Harry said. "Oh, yeah, of course, I understand!" He nodded, a few too many times. He wasn't good with change, and as much as he really hadn't become lifelong friends or anything with his roommate, Harry was comfortable with him now, and they exchanged small talk between classes, and sometimes watched Netflix together on boring weekends. He wasn't even close to being ready to leave that behind for something unpredictable. 

But Harry looked up at Louis, whose blue eyes were flickering with warmth from the candlelight, and he smiled a little, his nerves settling... at least for the moment. 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 

"You all packed up, Harry?" Louis asked, struggling to zip the last duffle bag closed. 

"Yeah, I'm think I'm good," Harry said, taking in the blank walls and the empty bed, scanning the room one last time for anything he might have missed. At this point he was almost hoping he was forgetting something because he wasn't ready to leave yet. 

"Okay, I'll get started with the first boxes and you can meet me over there with your clothes, alright?" Louis said, muscles straining a little as he lifted up the first two boxes and headed out with them. 

Harry ran his hands across his bare mattress, missing the feel of having his own sheets on them, missing his room already. 

His roommate Oliver, who was studying quietly at his desk the whole time Harry was packing, decided that now would be the time to say something. 

"Harry?" he said, closing his textbook and looking over, a little shyly. 

"Yeah?" Harry asked, his nerves already on edge from packing. 

"I just wanted to say sorry," Oliver said, his brows drawing together in sympathy. 

"For what?" Harry asked. 

"I just... roommates don't really switch around, they usually stick together for the whole year. I mean, I know we're not best friends or anything but I actually do like you, I'm just really sorry if I made you feel unwelcome. I mean, university is hard, we're all a little on edge with assignments and midterms and all that, but I hope I never took it out on you or anything," Oliver said.  

"It's not that, it's..." Harry sighed. "It's complicated. It's um, Louis?" 

"What about him?" Oliver asked. "You seem to get along alright?" 

"We're kind of... we're kind of a  _thing_ ," Harry admitted, lowering his voice a little. 

"Oh!" Oliver said, his eyes widening. "I didn't even know Louis was-" 

"I know," Harry said. "He thought it would be easier to just not tell anyone on the floor I guess. I mean, all his friends and family and stuff know, but I guess he didn't feel like everyone here had to know?" Harry shrugged. "Anyway, I just wanted to say that so you didn't feel like it was your fault or anything that I'm moving out, it just got kind of complicated." 

"Well thanks for telling me; I'll keep it to myself," Oliver said. "And good luck with your new roommate, yeah?" 

"Thanks," Harry said smiling as he picked up his duffle bag. He struggled a little with it down the hall until he bumped into Louis. 

"I can get that for you," he smiled. 

Harry bit his lip a little as Louis' biceps stuck out as he lifted up Harry's duffle bag. 

"Thanks," Harry blushed, looking away. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I think your new roommate must be at a lecture or something," Louis said, sitting down on Harry's new bed, "I haven't seen him yet." 

"Oh no," Harry said, pouting a little. "How can we possibly spend our time alone in this room with no one else around?" 

Louis smiled, so his eyes crinkled a little around the corners, and Harry crawled into his lap, seemingly forgetting that he was a lot bigger than the older boy, but Louis was able to support his weight with no problem. 

Harry tipped his mouth down to meet Louis', pushing his body closer into Louis', and deepening the kiss, moaning a little when he moved his tongue against Lou's. 

Louis pulled away from the kiss and Harry rested his head on the older boy's shoulder, breathing heavily and turning to kiss his neck, licking and biting softly along all the soft spots. 

"Hazza?" Louis murmured. 

"Mmm?" Harry asked, looking up with darkened eyes. 

"Where are you headed with this?" Louis asked gently, running his hand up Harry's arm. 

Harry lied down on the bed, pulling Louis with him. "I don't know," he whispered, wrapping his legs around Louis' hips, and tangling his hands in the older boy's hair. 

Louis gave him a slow kiss, moving his hips a little against Harry's and the younger boy gasped a little. Lou pulled away with a chaste kiss to Harry's forehead. "You nervous about having a new roommate?" Louis asked gently, rolling off Harry and onto his side, facing Harry was those blue eyes full of concern... pity. 

" _What_?" Harry asked, trying to tug Louis back into place. "I'm  _fine_ , Louis, I can handle things like this." 

"Alright," Louis said, clearly not believing a word Harry had just said. 

"Stop, stop  _looking at me like that_ ," Harry whined, his voice rising around an octave. 

"Don't you want to talk about it? I just don't want you to panic." Louis said, rubbing slow circles against Harry's tense back. 

"There's nothing to talk about!" Harry insisted. "I had a roommate that I liked, who watched movies with me and studied with me and you were right down the hall and now you're halfway across campus and I'm living with a stranger- why would I panic about that?" Harry asked, his voice rising a little as he spoke. 

"Harry, I'll be five minutes away," Louis said. "Wouldn't you rather me be five minutes away as your boyfriend instead of being just down the hall but being a secret?" 

 _No_ , Harry wanted to admit. He loved spending time with Louis, loved the idea of kissing and holding hands in public, but the word 'boyfriend' brought back so much pressure he'd felt from the ends of his last relationship... which had technically only ended less than two months ago. He didn't mind being a secret. When Louis started telling people that Harry was his boyfriend, he had to live up to whatever expectations and standards everyone had for Louis' boyfriend- had to live up to whatever expectations _Louis_ had- instead of just being a little secret down the hall. Harry wanted to go back to that, liked being a secret easily pushed away, and not talked about- he didn't feel like he deserved much more than that from this boy who was bursting with life and colour and energy... it made him anxious that things were too good, so much more than he deserved. 

Harry didn't say any of that. 

"Yeah," he mumbled. "Yeah, five minutes away isn't too bad." 

Louis kissed his forehead again, gently, letting his lips linger on Harry's warm skin. "I've got a lecture in a few minutes. I can skip it if you need to talk about anything?" he offered. 

"No, no, you should go," Harry insisted, sitting up on his new bed. "I'm fine, I'll just get some of my stuff unpacked." 

"Okay, love," Louis said quietly. "Call me if you need me, I can be here in ten minutes." 

"You just want to skip class don't you?" Harry said, smiling a little. 

"You caught me," Louis smiled, giving the younger boy a lingering kiss, before he got up to leave. "I'll see you tomorrow, babe. Let me know if you need me before then?" 

"Okay," Harry nodded. 

When Louis left, Harry started arranging everything so it would look identical to his old room. It was a pretty close recreation, until his new roommate walked in. 

He was  _nothing_  like Harry's old roommate. 


	5. Chapter Five

Harry ran his fingers through his hair- his long curls tumbled down to just below his shoulders now. He slipped his headphones on and leaned back in his chair, swaying a little as Cherry Wine came on his playlist, picturing his head resting on Louis' shoulders, gently swaying to the music. He ached to dance with his boyfriend under the stars, shivering in Louis' arms, pulling closer to his boyfriend, closer to his warmth. 

Harry's phone buzzed with a text from Louis, wanting Harry to meet him outside his old residence building in fifteen minutes. Harry smiled, and texted back that he'd be there, biting his lip a little as replied. 

Harry opened his desk drawer, and pulled out his little silver basket of makeup. He liked to play with it sometimes when he was bored- his favourite was the highlighter, he loved the subtle champagne shimmer that made it look like he was in a soft candlelit cafe. He brushed a little over the cupid's bow of his lips, mesmerized by the gentle highlight and the way it pulled the attention to his lips, even though the dark silver hoop through his bottom lip already did enough of that. 

The door popped open while Harry still had a makeup brush in his hand and his mirror held up in front of him. He slipped off his headphones, and mumbled a quick, "Thought you had class, sorry," putting his makeup hastily back in the drawer. 

"Thought you were a boy, sorry," Dax said, rolling his eyes as he pulled a beer out of his mini-fridge. "Enjoy your girls' night," he smirked, grabbing his jacket and heading out, leaving Harry alone again in his room, trembling hands setting his makeup brush down. 

It had been a rough first week for Harry in his new room. His new roommate, Dax was everything Harry wasn't- rough and loud and always surrounded by other guys who thought everything he said was hilarious... who thought everything he said about Harry was somehow funny, even as Harry bit his lip to keep from tearing up. Living with Dax meant snide little comments on everything, but mostly it was about his long hair and his pattered blouses. Harry knew Dax and his friends made fun of everything and made fun of each other, that they just had a rough sense of humour that they were all used to, but Harry couldn't adjust to it. 

Harry reached for his phone, but it was next to a pair of scissors and he found himself reaching for those instead. He didn't want anyone to walk in on him, so he he slipped on a hoodie and put them in his pocket, heading out of his dorm and stepping outside into the chilly November night. He walked for a little bit, trying to get further away from his residence building, before pulling the scissors out of his pocket and frantically cutting chunks out of his hair, the long curls fluttering to the pavement. He gasped in pain as the scissors got tangled in his hair, but he tugged them out and kept cutting. He didn't stop until he couldn't feel any hair brushing against his shoulders. 

Harry dropped the scissors and heard them clanging against the pavement as he held his trembling palms up to the soft moonlight and lamplight. Long strands of hair were still in his palms and Harry ran his hands frantically along his scalp as he felt everything that was missing. He'd been growing his hair out for years. 

Harry dropped to the pavement on his hands and knees, feeling the sharp sting as his hands hit the gravel. Sobs wracked through his body as he scrambled through the hair on the ground, telling himself over and over that it wasn't real, that it wasn't gone. Harry pressed his face into his hands, tugging on what was left of his hair, pulling away when he realized his hands were wet. He looked down and realized they were covered in blood from dropping down onto the pavement hands first. 

Harry wrapped his arms around himself, hugging himself and rocking back and forth a little, trying to sooth himself. He heard footsteps and thought about moving, not wanting anyone to see the scene he'd created, the mess he'd made.  

"Is everything alright?" the voice asked, the footsteps getting closer. 

"Louis?" Harry asked, turning to look over at the older boy as he approached, his eyes wide and scared. 

"Oh my God, oh my God are you-? Harry, are you okay, please be okay. Oh my God, fuck,  _talk_  to me please, did someone hurt you, did you hurt yourself, what  _happened?_  Shit shit shit," Louis said, dropping to the ground next to Harry grabbing his arms a little rougher than normal, pulling up the sleeves of his jumper frantically to check his wrists, which were bare, clean. 

"I didn't... hurt myself Lou," Harry said slowly, realizing what Louis was panicking about. 

"Why are you bleeding then?" Louis said, raising his voice in panic as he saw the scissors on the pavement. "Was it on your legs? Tell me  _please_." Louis ran his fingers gently across Harry's thighs, checking for blood. 

"I didn't do that, Louis! Calm down," Harry said. Louis was breathing at at frantic pace, his blue eyes wide and his hands scanning over Harry's body to check to for injuries. "It's just my hands, love," Harry said gently, holding out his palms for Louis. "I scraped them on the pavement. I'm okay, it's okay, hunny." Harry felt a little weird calling Louis pet names (he wasn't sure if he'd  _ever_  used a pet name for Louis come to think of it) but Louis looked like a nervous wreck. 

"Promise me?" Louis said roughly. "I need you to fucking  _promise me_  that you're not lying to me, that you're not bleeding anywhere else." 

"I promise," Harry said softly. "It's just my hands, Louis. It's just my hands." 

"You cut your hair," Louis said quietly. "Oh my God," he said, squinting in the dark finally noticing the clumps of hair that were surrounding the younger boy. "Oh my God," he repeated, running a hand gently through Harry's hair, which was still longer than Louis, but the curls only reached his jawline at their longest point now, instead of before where it tickled his collarbones. 

Harry nodded, hot tears welling up in his eyes and spilling over, clumping his lashes into little triangles.

"Okay, okay, it's okay," Louis murmured to himself. "We'll get you somewhere safe, we'll clean you up, we'll get you a real haircut to fix it up a little. It's okay," he repeated, kissing Harry's forehead, pulling Harry into a hug, and Harry melted into it, breathing in Louis' scent as he curled into the warmth in the crook of his neck. 

 _I'm not okay_ , Harry was screaming in his head, but he couldn't seem to say it, he just wanted Louis to fix it, to put him back together again. He wanted to be okay. 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 

Harry stood in the hallway between Liam and Niall's room, feeling disoriented and out of place. Everything felt too hot and his skin felt uncomfortable, he wanted to get some sort of relief from the way he was feeling but it was just pooling under his skin and not letting him breathe, not letting him move. 

"Are you alright, love?" Louis asked. "What do you need?" 

"Need... I'm too  _hot_ , Lou. I can't, oh my God, I'm... I can't do this, Louis  _please_." Harry stammered, feeling like all of his senses were teaming up against him. Everything was too much. Everything was too bright and it  _hurt._

"You're just a little overwhelmed now, hunny it's alright," Louis said gently, cautiously stepping a little closer. 

Even Louis words seemed to agitate Harry. "I can't, I want it, want it  _off,_ Louis, why is so hot in here?" Harry burst into tears, knowing fully well he was acting like a child but not able to stop it. 

"Okay, I can get you out of your jumper," Louis said, stepping in closer to Harry. "Lift your hands up for me, baby?" 

Harry nodded, sniffling, and lifted his arms above his head, letting Louis tug his jumper gently off him. 

"Do you need your t-shirt off too?" Louis asked, and Harry shook his head, biting on his thumb gently. "Jeans?" 

Harry nodded, and Louis lead him toward the couch. "Just sit down for a bit, hun," he murmured. Harry sat down on the couch and lifted his hips up so Louis could help him out of his jeans, leaving him in his thin t-shirt and boxers. "Does that feel better?" Louis asked, running his thumb gently along Harry's jawline. 

Harry closed his eyes and nodded a little. 

"I'll be right back, alright? You'll be okay for a moment?" 

Harry nodded again and relaxed a little on the couch while he waited for Louis to return. 

"Hey," Louis said gently when he got back. "Do you want to hold your hands out for me?" 

Harry stuck out his trembling palms for his boyfriend, biting his lip a little as Louis dabbed on some disinfectant cream that stung his hands almost as much as they stung when he scraped them on the pavement. 

"You're doing so good for me, love," Louis murmured, seeing Harry wince as he gently swiped at his palms before bandaging them carefully.

"Hurts," Harry mumbled. 

"I know it does," Louis said, kissing his hands over top of the fresh bandages.  

Niall walked into the living room, hovering hesitantly by the edge of the room. "How is he doing?" he asked Louis, stepping a little closer to the couch. 

"We're all bandaged up now," Louis said, "We're gonna be okay, right, kitten?" 

Harry nodded a little, looking over at Niall. 

Niall walked over and sat beside Harry on the couch, smoothing his hair away from his face and giving him a gentle kiss on the forehead. "Love you, H," he said. "Always, alright?" 

Harry stayed silent for a moment, then said in a voice so quiet Niall could barely here it. "Do you think my hair looks bad?" 

"I think you look just as beautiful as you did yesterday," Niall said, "But I brought you this just in case." He held out a worn in bright blue beanie. 

"Thank you," Harry whispered as Niall smoothed out his hair and slipped the beanie on. 

Louis tried to ignore the little irrational pang of jealously that hit him when he watched Niall soothing Harry. He knew Niall had been helping Harry through the panic attacks for  _years_ , had been calling him pet names when he needed it, holding him when he cried and promising to make things better, but still, Louis felt outdone when it came to Niall, like he wasn't as good at knowing what Harry needed yet and it frustrated him, he wanted to know everything  _now._

Louis' phone buzzed. "You're fucking kidding me," he muttered, pulling his phone out of his pocket to answer it. "Yeah, yeah I'm just... I'm like, I'm ten minutes away, I'll be right over." He sighed, looking at his phone like he wanted to smash it. "There's a party on the floor that got out of hand and I need to go over there and write a report." Louis sighed so heavily his fringe fluttered a little. He looked over at Harry, who's eyes were still red-rimmed and a little puffy from crying. "Are you gonna be okay if I go for a few hours, babe? I can come back and see you when I clean up whatever mess is going on, alright?" 

Harry nodded, and Louis pulled his boyfriend into a tight hug. "I'm really sorry I have to leave, Hazza." 

"It's okay," Harry mumbled into Louis' shoulder. 

Louis pulled away and kissed Harry gently on the forehead.  _I love you_ , he wanted to say, but he settled for, "I'll see you soon, Harry," snatching up the keys off the table before he hurried off to start up Liam's car. 

"Do you need anything?" Niall asked once Louis had left, rubbing soothing circles against Harry's back. 

"Wanna go to bed," Harry said quietly, so softly Niall almost didn't hear him.

"You don't want to talk?" Niall asked. 

Harry shook his head, and slowly got up off the couch, heading toward Niall's room. 

"We need to talk about this sometime though," Niall insisted, following after him. 

Harry didn't say anything, just climbed into Niall's bed, tugging the covers up to his chin as he turned to face the wall, away from his friend. 

"I'm being serious, H," Niall said. 

"Don't wanna talk," Harry muttered, sounding bitter as coffee. 

Niall sighed, and sat down in the bed next to Harry. "What is it?" he asked. He waited for a response, but didn't get one. "Are you... oh my God, H... are you actually mad that Louis just left?" 

Harry's silence did more to answer the question than words could have. 

"That's literally his  _job_ , Harry," Niall. "He works for the college. They hired him to be able to deal with shit like this, I know you want him to stay with you tonight but he can't if they need him there... you really can't be upset with him over something like that."

" _I'm not upset!"_  Harry practically yelled, turning to face Niall, his green eyes wide with anger. "He can do whatever the _fuck_  he wants, it's not my problem! Clearly he has other things he'd rather be doing!" 

" _Harry_ ," Niall said, trying to make eye contact with him. 

" _What?"_  Harry snapped. 

"I don't think this is healthy," Niall said quietly. 

"What?" Harry asked again, a little softer this time. 

"You and Louis... I don't think it's- I mean, I'm not so sure it's  _good_ for you, H." 

"What do you mean?" Harry asked, his eyes searching Niall's frantically, trying to find some sort of answer. 

Niall hesitated a little before he spoke. "I mean, it's so new and you're already so... dependent. I just, I know if you let it go on much longer it's just gonna hurt more if it-" 

"No." Harry said. "No no no no, it's not  _like_ that, Ni. We're a normal, healthy couple, there's nothing, there's nothing  _wrong_ with the way we are together there's nothing dependent about-" 

"Just be careful," Niall interrupted. "I know you like him a lot, but you're letting him have too much control of you, too much control of your moods. I've known you for what, six years? I know when to be scared, H, and I'm scared okay?" 

"Why?" Harry asked, feeling his blood pressure rising so much he felt like he might burst. "He's been an amazing boyfriend." 

"He looks at me like he wants to kill me just for talking to you even though I'm straight as fuck, he didn't give you even a second to process your breakup with Cam before he made his move, he pushed you into switching dorms and roommates when you weren't anywhere near being ready," Niall said, looking down at Harry's bandaged hands, "And we all know how well that turned out. It makes me nervous to see him push you into so many things, I mean what if he-" 

"Stop," Harry whispered. "Stop it, Niall." 

Niall closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. "I'm sorry," he said. "I just love you so much, okay?"

"I love you too," Harry murmured, offering up half the blankets to Niall, curling up against his chest. Harry fell asleep quickly- he always did after he'd been crying- but his dreams were a jumbled mess. He saw flashes of bleeding hands, his hair fluttering to the sidewalk as Louis yanked at sections and snipped them off, and Niall saying over and over  _you're too dependent H..._  before Harry jolted awake with a shudder, whimpering until Niall woke up and rubbed slow circles on his back until he fell asleep again. 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  * * * 

 

Three weeks later, the horrible night with the scissors was all but forgotten in a lot of ways. The only reminder was the shorter haircut (which was still quite lengthy compared to most guys, mind you), the occasional bad dream, and the little sighs Niall still made whenever he saw Louis and Harry together.

Louis, for his part, had been amazing in letting Harry pretend it never happened. When he pushed and got resistance, he decided to just let Harry have his space about it, and the two had gone about their relationship in the most comfortingly normal ways, with no panic attacks again since that night. They got coffee, they went out to diners, they tried to study sometimes, and Harry even managed to drag Louis out to a yoga class once (which was horribly painful, but Harry's perky little bum in leggings made Louis want to become a full time yogi).

They'd been together for a little while as November slipped into December and the snow started dusting over them, a huge freak snowstorm causing winter to arrive early that year. Harry's cheeks were always flushed pink and his beanie was becoming a regular fixture.

"Oh my God, I hate you!" Harry giggled, as Louis hit him smack on the thigh with a snowball. He squealed a little at the impact, covering the spot he'd been hit with his hands, which were wrapped up in thick red mittens. 

"You just hate me because you're losing," Louis called out from behind the tree he was hiding behind.

Harry whined as Louis pelted his ankles with snowballs. "You don't fight fair," he said. "Come out  _please_." 

Louis stepped out from behind his hiding spot and Harry smacked him in the shoulder with a massive snowball. 

"Oh my gosh, Hazza, stop getting so close to my face!" Louis laughed. "Are you trying to disfigure me to keep me to yourself?" 

"Maybe," Harry smirked. "You've got me all figured out, Lewis." 

"Either that or you have exceptionally bad aim," Louis said. 

"I do not!" 

Louis raised his eyebrows. "You literally pissed on me last week, Harold. The urinals? At that cafe on Main Street?" 

"That was one time," Harry mumbled. 

"You  _had_ to use the one right next to me of course," Louis said, rolling his eyes and laughing. 

"I thought I might get lonely," Harry pouted. 

"God you're such a loser," Louis said, laughing softly, his eyes looking at his boyfriend with this gentle hazy look of absolute adoration softening his blue eyes. 

"What are you thinking about, Lou?" Harry asked, stepping closer and nudging the older boy a little. They were curved up against each other now, shivering and trying to warm up from their rather out-of-hand snowball fight. 

"Thinking about you," he whispered. 

Louis felt like he might burst if he didn't tell Harry... he needed to say it so bad it  _ached_ , all the way through his bones, it stirred in his blood, it was pressing against his fingertips, it was pushing on his tongue, it was restless in his throat-

"I love you."

"What?" Harry asked, looking over at Louis with sleepy green eyes, biting his soft pink lips as his gently curved eyebrows arched in surprise.

"I love you," Louis repeated. "So fucking much, I just, I needed to say it, but it's okay if you don't-"

Harry cut him off with his mouth, pressing their lips together, his still tasting like the hot cocoa they'd shared earlier.

"I love you too," Harry whispered. " _So_ much, Louis, you don't understand." The two kissed, breaking apart a little with soft giggles and sighs. 

Louis pulled away a little, and saw Harry's smile fade. "What's on your mind, love?" 

"Nothing," Harry murmured, then smiled again. "Everything's perfect." 


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW CONTENT!  
> I'm so sorry for changing the chapter lengths and being confusing but this chapter is all new content (as of November 1st). Enjoy!

Louis knocked a little on Niall's door, which was partially open. Harry had told him they could just meet there before their date, since he'd spent the night before with Niall.

"Hey, babe, are you-" Louis' words were knocked out of him when he saw Harry, sitting on the bed crying. Not the type of overwhelming panicked crying that happened during his anxiety attacks, but a slow welling of gentle tears that Louis had never seen on Harry. As much as he'd seen him sobbing and struggling to breath, Louis wasn't sure he'd ever seen him like this. It didn't look like any sort of panic attack, he was just tearing up a little as he sat crossed legged on Niall's bed, laptop on and headphones in.

"Haz?" Louis asked gently, stepping into the room.

Harry looked up and snapped the laptop closed with a shut, sliding his headphones off and tugging his beanie back into place. "Hi," he said, his voice a little raspier than normal. "I'm just, I'm gonna go shower, alright? I'll be out in a minute."

Louis just nodded, not sure what to do. Harry seemed calm, there was absolutely no hint of panic in his voice. It occurred to the older boy that maybe Harry was just  _sad_ \- nothing to do with chemicals or hormone imbalances or whatever it was that messed around with the balance of Harry's moods- just a genuine sadness that had nothing to do with his anxiety.

Louis heard the water turn on and he looked around to make sure he was alone before opening up the laptop. He wondered what Niall's password would be... maybe something about pints or Ireland or... what was his favourite sports team again?

Louis was surprised when the laptop opened up to the last page that Harry was on, with no passwords to unlock it first. Honestly, how did Niall have  _nothing_  to hide on his laptop? Louis would die of shame before letting anyone  _near_  his computer.

He saw a video, set to full sceen, paused at some scene of a couple standing on a bridge. Louis looked around a little, and slipped on the headphones, wondering what it was about this video that made Harry cry. He pulled back the video about a minute before the spot Harry had paused it on to see what was going on, and heard the words "this is a special spot, because this is where I ask you to be my wife". His hand flew up to his mouth, trying to hold in the little gasp that he wanted to let out. He didn't know why Harry was sitting on Niall's laptop crying over engagement videos but it was... not what he expected.

They'd only said I love you  _days_  ago, and Louis felt a little flutter of panic. Did Harry honestly expect a proposal? Why was he crying then? Maybe he was just sentimental.

Louis shut of Niall's laptop and headed over to Liam's room.

Liam was more textbook than human at this point, absolutely swimming in paper (probably enough to put a full tree back together), and had sticky notes clinging to his clothing presumably by mistake.

"You alright mate?" Louis asked.

"Culminating research paper in nineteen hours," Liam grunted in response.

"Oh," Louis replied. He waited a moment, but Liam didn't even turn around. "What does it mean when you catch your boyfriend crying over engagement videos?"

"Happy tears or sad tears?"

"Sad, I think."

"It means you should stay out of his business," Liam said, his attention never straying from his law textbook.

"We said I love you the other day, do you think-"

"I know, you called me giggling like a schoolgirl and wouldn't shut up about it," Liam interrupted. "Remember?"

"Yeah, just, what if he regrets it, you know?"

Liam sighed and closed his textbook, loud enough to be more than a little passive aggressive. "People get moody at finals, alright? Some of us are actually focusing on school, you know?" he muttered.

"Excuse me, have you  _seen_ my boyfriend?" Louis said. The word 'boyfriend' still tingled on his lips like PopRocks every time he said it. "I honesty can't be expected to focus on anything else."

"You know, hormones go up and down and whatever in guys too," Liam said thoughtfully. "Kind of like PMS, but you know... not. Maybe he's just having one of those days where you cry at like every sad commercial or something."

"It wasn't sad though, it was an engagement video. Happy times," Louis argued.

"You're overthinking it," Liam said shaking his head a little. "Except for your exams- you're clearly not thinking about those enough."

" _Louis!"_ Harry's voice called out from the bathroom. Louis could barely hear him over the loud spray of the shower.  

"Coming, babe!" Louis said, headed toward the bathroom, and slipping inside, closing the door behind him. "What's wrong-" he started but the words sputtered in his throat as he caught sight of Harry in just a towel, wrapped around his hips beneath his laurel tattoos, the shower still running behind him. 

"Do you know if Liam has any conditioner?" Harry asked, his green eyes wide and innocent, despite the fact that Louis was blushing furiously and biting on his lower lip, his jeans already feeling uncomfortable. 

"Why would Liam have conditioner?" Louis asked. "Have you seen his hair?" 

"Does he have any, like, face wash or anything?" Harry asked, still dripping wet. 

"Um, I don't think..." Louis started. He trailed off and bit his lip, his eyes flickering down to Harry's towel. 

"My eyes are up here," Harry said softly. 

"Wasn't looking at your eyes, love," Louis murmured, pressing his hands to Harry's hips and steering him toward the wall. Harry let out a whimper as Louis pressed him against the wall with one hand, letting the other run across the younger boy's chest, still warm from the shower water. 

Louis tugged his own shirt off so he could feel Harry's skin against his. Louis pressed his lips against his boyfriend's warm throat, biting softly and sucking little bruises up and down Harry's jawline, dragging low moans out of the younger boy. 

 _"I don't care if you're fucking but you're paying the hydro bill!"_  Liam yelled out, pounding on the door, startling the couple apart. 

Harry blushed, wrapping his arms around himself protectively. 

"Oh, don't worry about him," Louis said, "He's just worried about some paper he has due. Are you alright, by the way? Back in Niall's room, you looked kind of-"

"Yeah I'm fine," Harry interrupted. He added a smile, almost as an afterthought. "Stop worrying about me, alright?" 

"Okay," Louis nodded, but even as Harry scooted him out of the bathroom so he could finish his shower in peace, Louis' mind was still racing. 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 

It had happened one morning when they were lazing around in sweatpants studying together, Harry's head resting on Louis' tummy as he read through his psychology notes. He tapped his pen against his notebook a few times in thought. 

"I want to go to a party," Harry said, like he'd only realized how much he wanted it when he said it out loud. "Like, a really wild one." 

Louis slid off his reading glasses. "You sure?" he asked. "That's not too much for you?" 

"I want to do this," Harry said. "I want the whole college experience, you know? I don't want to miss out on these things." 

"Okay, if you're sure," Louis said. He drummed his fingers against Harry's arm while he mulled it over. "There's one this Friday at Michael's house if that's alright with you." 

"Who's that?" 

"A guy I took an English class with. Bit wild, but he's a decent guy." Louis pushed his glasses back into place. "You'll let me know the second you need to leave though, alright? Even if it's five minutes after we get there?" 

"Of course," Harry said. "We probably won't stay long anyway." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What are they doing?" Harry whispered, nudging his boyfriend clumsily. He'd lost track of how many shots he'd done and how many drinks he'd had... they were all such pretty colours though, especially the jello shots. They'd been there for hours but Harry was wide eyed and excited, clutching onto Louis' arm the whole night and giggling against his shoulder. 

"He's doing shots out of her bellybutton... you've never seen that before?" Louis replied. 

Harry shook his head a little, still watching the girl giggle as some frat guy sucked tequila off of her stomach. 

"What you want to try it?" Louis asked, laughing a little. 

Harry nodded, looking over at Louis with wide green eyes. "Yeah," he said softly. 

"Oh! I didn't, I mean- yeah we can, I can..." Louis stammered, not expecting Harry to say yes. 

Harry bit his lip a little, sucking on his lip ring, and quickly swiped the bottle of tequila off the table. 

"Fuck," Louis groaned under his breath, following Harry into an empty bedroom. 

Harry pushed the large pile of coats off the bed, and lay down on the mattress, wriggling around a little bit as he looked up at Louis, already unable to keep still. 

"You good, babe?" Louis asked, holding the bottle up over Harry's navel. 

"Mhm," Harry nodded, peering down at his stomach. 

Louis pushed the younger boy's shirt up, and Harry ended up just taking it off entirely. Louis held the bottle over Harry's tummy and slowly began to pour, setting the bottle down on the nightstand and sucking and licking all the tequila off his boyfriend's soft belly, his stubble scratching a little against his skin. 

Harry started giggling, and turned over onto his side as soon as Louis was done. "Oh my God," he gasped. "That  _tickles_. How does anyone do that?" 

"No idea, babe," Louis said, looking down at his boy fondly, his eyes crinkling a little by the edges. 

"What do you mean?" Harry asked. "You've never done it?" 

"Had someone lick tequila off my stomach? No, love, can't say I have," Louis said, rolling his eyes a little and smirking. 

"Wanna try," Harry said, propping himself up on his elbows. 

"What was that, hun?" 

"I said I want to try. Get on your back," Harry said, tugging at Louis shirt and then guiding him down onto the bed. 

"Okay," Louis said quietly, looking up at his boyfriend, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by how much bigger he was that Louis... not just taller, but broader, his shoulders wide and his arms muscled and  _God_ Louis wanted him. He felt oddly vulnerable with his shirt off and Harry leaning over him, but the younger boy leaned down and kissed him until every bit of self consciousness melted away. 

Louis gasped when the cold tequila splashed over his tummy, and a little trickled down his sides as his muscles flexed in surprise. Harry carefully added a bit more before leaning down and lapping it up with his warm tongue. Louis fully expected it to tickle, thinking he would start laughing the second Harry's mouth touched his belly. He didn't. 

He whimpered. 

"Does that... feel good?" Harry asked cautiously, lifting his head up a little from Louis' tummy. 

 _"Yeah,"_  Louis groaned. "Shit, yeah, Harry, it's  _good_."

Harry dipped his head back down and Louis felt his curls brush against his smooth skin as Harry ran his tongue all across his V lines, and back across his bellybutton while brushing his fingers against Louis' nipples. 

Louis was practically trembling at this point. 

"Thought you were just a bottom," Louis managed to choke out.

"I don't know, I thought we could kind of share that really," Harry whispered with a smile, and then tugged Louis so the older boy was on top again. 

Louis positioned himself so his thigh was slotted in between Harry's, accidentally pressing a little harder than he'd meant to, making the younger boy's eyes widen as he gasped, the green of his irises just a thin band around his swollen pupils. 

Harry rutted into Louis' leg now, moaning, his lips parted and trembling.

"You okay, hun?" Louis asked.

"Mhmmm," Harry murmured.

"We shouldn't mess around too much while we're drunk," Louis said quietly. "Especially if we haven't done anything before, it's not really right to-" 

"Please don't stop," Harry moaned, even though Louis was barely doing anything other than letting Harry press up against his leg. 

"Are you sure it's not-" Louis started.

"Doesn't, doesn't count," Harry mumbled. His lips were flushed like cherry stains, and he rolled his hips against Lou's. "Want you to," Harry murmured, "Want you to talk to me."

"What about, babe?" Louis asked, running his hands across Harry's chest, tracing over his tattoos.

"What you'd do to me," Harry moaned, "What you'd do to me if I let you have your way."

"Oh God," Lou murmured feeling his jeans straining at the thought, "I don't even know where to start... I think first, I'd get you down to your little lace panties... suck little lovebites all across your collarbones..."

"And you'd be in control?" Harry asked, moaning.

"Mhm I'd be in control, I'd tell you exactly what to do so you could be good for me," Louis said. Harry pulled him down at this point so Louis was laying on top of him with his mouth by his ear. Louis took that as his cue to keep whispering filthy things to Harry while he trailed his hands down to Harry's v-lines, earning a sharp gasp from the younger boy. "I'd make you beg for it," Louis whispered. "I'd tease you until your panties got ruined, make you lie on your tummy for me while I take them off for you so I could look at that gorgeous ass of yours..."

Harry was pressing himself into Louis, still rutting himself into the boy's leg over and over, getting himself off on the friction. His cheeks were flushed through with pink and his pupils blown wide with want. "I'd touch you and-"

Harry shook his head slightly.

Lou tried not to feel hurt that even in his fantasies Harry wasn't ready for Louis yet. "I'd let you touch yourself," Louis murmured instead, correcting his mistake.

Harry moaned, sucking in on his lip piercing.

"And it'd feel so good for you, babe, getting to touch while you think about me," Louis whispered. "And I'd get to watch how pretty you look when you're all worked up like that."

"Lou," Harry moaned.

"Yeah, hunny?" Louis asked.

"Louis, I'm, I'm-" Harry stuttered and broke off with a moan, his hips shuddering against Louis', slowing their pace until Harry stopped with one more gentle roll, whimpering slightly and clutching onto Louis' waist. "Fuck," he whimpered. 

His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were glossy, lips parted and bitten red. 

Louis kissed him softly on the forehead. "So good for me," he murmured. 

"Yeah," Harry sighed, and curled up next to Louis, getting closer until their foreheads touched. 

"We should probably get you cleaned up and get you home soon," Louis said.

"No, I'm too tired," Harry whispered. 

"I'll tuck you in." 

"Deal," Harry sighed. 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 

"Have you talked to him about your dad yet?" Niall asked.

"No," Harry muttered. "There's nothing to tell," he added, picking a little at the bandage on his arm.

Niall gently slapped his hand away. "Two more hours," he said. "If you get an infection, it's all your fault."

"I just want to see what it looks like," Harry sighed impatiently.

"It was a rose when I put it on, it'll still be a rose when the bandage comes off," Niall said rolling his eyes. "God, you have a tiny dorm room," he added, looking around at Harry's cramped living space, barely a few feet away from his roommate's unmade bed.

"I know," Harry said, "There's a reason why we never hang out here."

"I thought it was because your roommate was an ass," Niall commented.

"He's fine," Harry mumbled. He kept telling himself that his roommate was fine, that Dax just had a different sense of humour that Harry didn't get... Harry found a hundred different ways to somehow make everyone one of his Dax's comments into his own fault.

"Just tell Louis that-" Niall started. 

"That  _what?"_  Harry snapped. "That my dad fucking walked out on me? That I miss him every single day anyway? Thought you didn't even like Louis," he muttered. He was pouting and feeling a little like a child right now but he didn't know how to stop it, part of him just felt so _irritable_ , like it was bubbling under his skin making it impossible to focus on anything else.

"Yeah, I think you should tell him," Niall said. "That's something that's important to know, H. And yeah, I  _like_  Louis I just don't like that you're so different around him. You're bottling things," Niall said. "I can tell... if you just let things go a little-"

"I'm not bottling anything!" Harry insisted, his voice raising in frustration. 

Niall reached out for Harry's hands and held them in his own, rubbing his calloused thumbs across the slim tattoos on the back of Harry's hands. "Mate, you are a  _mess_ right now from holding things in and I don't even know where to start with sorting you out, but you're gonna explode if you don't start talking to someone about all the things you've got going on."

"I'm fi-"

"You're not fine," Niall interrupted. "How bout we start with something simple, huh?" He gave Harry's large hands a gentle squeeze. "Why was I finding so many engagement videos in my YouTube history?"

"I just... I like them?" Harry tried.

"Ten in a row isn't liking- it's obsessive."

"Okay," Harry said quietly and then took a slow breath. "I'm worried that no one will ever do something like that for me," he admitted. "Not, like that no one will propose for me or whatever, marriage is still a while away," he added seeing Niall's panicked expression. "But it's more like, that no one would ever do something like that for me, that I'd never have anyone that cared enough to, you know, do something that elaborate. That I won't ever mean that much to someone, you know? Maybe it's stupid," he added hastily, pulling his hands away from Niall's. 

"It's not stupid at all," Niall said gently. "I don't think you realize how much people really care about you."

"Maybe you're right," Harry said, closing his eyes a little and trying to take a steadying breath. His panic always started in his lungs and seeped and clawed its way out. But it always started in his lungs.

"Just stop bottling, okay?" Niall said- he said it like it was the easiest thing to do. 

"Okay," Harry promised, but every breath he brought into his lungs felt like it just stayed there, like he didn't know how to let go of the air that settled into his lungs, just collecting like a balloon that was about to pop. He needed to let go, needed to scream and sob and just talk about every tiny little thing that was chipping away at him, talk and cry for hours- maybe days... maybe under a blanket fort with a steady stream of lattes and  _shhhh it's alright babe, I'm here now_ and his boyfriend's arms around him and his stubble tickling Harry's soft skin and maybe a bubble bath and Louis could just hold him from behind and wash him up while Harry leaned against his chest and let go of all the tension, skin slick with bubbles. Maybe that would help. 

Maybe. 

But Harry clamped his jaw tighter, feeling every muscle in his body tense up, feeling like he couldn't let anything go, like there were some sort of weight pressing into his skin that he couldn't let go of, that he had to grip tighter and tighter until his knuckles were white. The weight on his shoulders of every little thing he'd tried to ignore was pressing down and he couldn't hold out much longer. 

"If I were a better boyfriend, maybe Louis would-" 

"Don't say that," Niall interrupted. "I'm sure you're an amazing boyfriend." 

 _Maybe Louis wouldn't leave me like my dad did... like Cameron did_. Harry wanted to finish. Maybe if he were more normal, maybe if he did things at a more normal pace, maybe if he were faster at the things that took him too long... 

His cheeks burned in shame thinking about the other week at the party, getting off against Louis' leg like a pathetic teenager. He wasn't ready to take his jeans off, wasn't ready for Louis to touch him-  _months_ into the relationship. 

Maybe if he just let Louis take control, have his fun with him, maybe that would be enough to make him want to stay. 

Maybe. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So you're telling me that you haven't had sex with him yet?" Liam asked, raising his eyebrows.

"No, we just, we did a bit of messing about but nothing too serious."

"Details, Tommo. How else will I know how much to judge you?"

"He, uh, he kind of got himself off against my leg," Louis admitted, thinking back to Harry's face, flushed and happy as he pressed himself over and over into Louis' thick muscled thighs, his pink lips parted and trembling a little as he let out the little sounds from the back of his throat. Louis had never felt so connected to someone in that sense before, despite the long list of guys he'd been physically close with, this was the first time he'd really felt that  _intimate_ , like Harry was looking up at him with all the trust in the world, like Louis was the only one who could make him feel that good. 

"What, like a dog or something?" Liam asked, stealing a spoonful of ice cream from the carton that Louis was eating out of.

"What? No!" Louis said, glaring at his friend. "Jesus, Liam, it wasn't like that. It was like, slow and heavy and he was moaning and it was just so fucking...  _mmm_. Oh my God when he was done he was just like, he was just  _mine_ , you know? Like fuck, he was just looking up at me and I'd made him feel so good and the whole thing was just... fuck... it was the best I've ever had, odd as that sounds. Even if I did have to sneak off to the bathroom to finish for myself," he added.  

"You know- this is the longest you've gone without since your first time," Liam pointed out.

"I know," Louis muttered into his ice cream. "I don't need you to remind me." 

"You're not going crazy yet with it?" Liam asked, leaning up against the kitchen counter. 

"I'll live," Louis shrugged. "If he wants to wait, he wants to wait, there's literally nothing I could do to change that. Why so curious about my sex life all of a sudden?" 

"No reason," Liam said. "Just don't want to see him get hurt, is all." 

Louis froze with his spoon halfway up to his lips. "You literally thought I would  _cheat on him_  just to get laid?" 

Liam didn't reply. 

"Glad to think my friends think so highly of me," Louis snapped. 

His eyes were burning with stress tears as he rushed to his room and slammed the door. He felt nauseous as his head swam with all the one night stands he'd had in the past few years. " _I'm not like that anymore_ ," he whispered to himself but he could still feel the lump in his throat- so thick, he had to throw away the rest of his ice cream. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh God, Louis... it  _feels_  good," Harry moaned, writhing against the mattress, cheeks flushed pink and lips bitten red. "Oh my fucking God,  _please_." His green eyes were dark and heavy lidded, and he couldn't keep his hips still, kept moving them up to meet Louis', kept turning his head and whimpering against the pillow. 

"Please what?" Louis asked, detaching himself from the spot on Harry's neck he was nibbling. 

"Please just, I want you to-" Harry bit his lip, sucking on his lip piercing, and guided Louis' hands down to the waistband of his jeans. "I'm ready," he said quietly. "I fucking want you, Lou. I don't want to wait anymore- can we? I'm ready, please." 

Louis looked down at his green eyed boy, looking nervous but hopeful as he panted a little, lips parted and eyebrows raised a little- expectantly. 

" _I'm_  not," Louis said quietly. 

"You're not what?" Harry asked, his hands still tight around Louis' small waist. 

"I'm not ready," Louis whispered. 

 

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 

"Louis?" Harry asked, stepping into Niall and Liam's house. He checked his phone quickly. 

**L:** _Meet me at N and Li's house at 7 tonight- it's a surprise :))))_

He took a steadying breath and called out for Louis again. 

"Sorry, sorry, babe!" Louis said, rushing out to the front entrance to meet Harry. "Was in the middle of something." He tipped his head up a little to give Harry a slow kiss and then a hug. 

"Is something going on?" Harry asked, looking around a little nervously. 

"I heard that you were stressed," Louis said, gently rubbing Harry's back. "I wanted to take care of you for the night." 

"I'm fine," Harry mumbled into Louis' shoulder. "Mm not stressed." 

"Just let me take care of you, Hazza." 

"Okay," Harry whispered, nodding a little, pulling Louis closer and resting his head on his shoulder. 

Louis pulled away after a moment, and kissed Harry on the cheek. "I ran you a bath," he smiled, squeezing Harry's hands and leading him to the bathroom. "Lots of bubbles, lots of candles... let me know when you're done and we'll cuddle up and watch a movie okay? Your pick tonight." Louis pushed open the bathroom door, and Harry's eyes widened a little at how cozy Louis had made it look. 

Harry looked at the bathtub full of bubbles and the little vanilla scented tea-lights Louis had scattered around the bathroom, and finally to the bathtub full of warm, soapy water. "Can you... can you come in with me?" Harry asked, biting on his lower lip nervously. 

"Of course I can," Louis said. "If that's what you want." 

"Yeah," Harry nodded. "Yeah I do. Please," he added as an afterthought.  

"Okay," Louis said. "You can get in first, I won't look or anything." 

"I don't mind," Harry said softly, pulling off his grey knit sweater. 

Louis could feel his heart racing, slamming against his rib cage as Harry took off his thin white t-shirt, his black skinny jeans, and finally his little white lace-trimmed pale blue panties. 

"Your turn," Harry whispered. 

Louis didn't feel as eloquent as Harry as he wriggled out of his too-tight jeans and his old baseball tee but his boyfriend was staring at him with absolute wonder in his eyes. Louis paused a bit before shucking off his grey striped boxer shorts. He honestly felt more self conscious about his stomach being exposed than about taking his boxers off. 

"You're so gorgeous," Harry murmured. 

"You too, babe," Louis said, trying not to stare where he wanted to, but his eyes kept flickering down... he couldn't help it. Louis quickly stepped into the tub, sinking down into the bubbles. 

Harry settled down in front of Louis, between his legs so his back was resting against his chest. 

"Mmm... it smells like lavender," Harry said, letting himself relax against Louis' chest, feeling the water surround them. 

"I bought special stress relief soap," Louis admitted. "Was hoping it might help."

"That's so sweet of you," Harry said, and he tucked his chin into the curve of Louis' shoulder. 

"Even bought a loofah," Louis said, picking it up off the edge of the bathtub. 

Harry giggled, and snuggled closer into his boyfriend, loving the feel of their soapy skin pressed together under the warm bath water. 

Louis started gently massaging the soap onto Harry's skin with the loofah, and the younger boy gave a delicate little sigh and turned a little to kiss Louis' collarbones.  

Louis soaped up Harry's whole upper body, working his way around his boyfriend's smooth, tattooed skin until he was all clean and practically purring as he nuzzled into Louis. 

"I love you so much," Harry said as Louis gently finished scrubbing him clean. 

"I love you too," Louis replied. "Pass me the showerhead, would you?" 

Harry nodded, and passed it over, and Louis got to work wetting Harry's soft curls. He massaged the shampoo into Harry's scalp before rising it out. 

"Mmm... gonna fall asleep, Lou..." 

"Stay awake, babe, can't have you falling asleep in the tub," Louis replied. 

Harry twisted his body a little to give Louis a kiss, deep and lingering. "Love every single part of you," he said when he pulled away. 

"Thank you," Louis whispered. 

Harry stood up slowly, and Louis pulled the plug on the tub, turning on the showerhead briefly to rinse all the bubbles that were clinging to Harry's legs and his own. 

Louis handed Harry a particularly fluffy towel and got himself a towel to dry off too.

"I'm so tired," Harry said, his eyelids already looking heavy.  

"I bet," Louis said. "Carrying so much tension, hun. Are you gonna come to bed and let me massage you?" 

Harry nodded, and Louis held his hand to guide him over to Liam's room. 

"Is this-?" Harry said looking around a little. "Is this okay? Did Liam say we could-?"

"It's fine, kitten," Louis said. "Liam's got a double bed, Niall's got a single... this just makes more sense. He said it's fine, don't worry." 

"Where's he going to sleep?" 

Louis shrugged and smirked. "Niall's bed?" 

Harry giggled a little and gripped his towel a little tighter around himself. 

"Got you a nice clean pair of pajamas," Louis said, handing Harry a small stack of folded up clothes. 

"Think I'll just put on some boxers for now," Harry said, picking them out of the pile. 

"Sorry they're not as pretty as what you had on earlier," Louis said, thinking of how gorgeous the pale blue looked against Harry's creamy ivory skin. 

"No, I like them... they're yours," Harry smiled sleepily, tugging them on, and laying on the bed, sprawled out his tummy, his face resting on his arms. 

Louis pulled on a pair of boxers for himself, and climbed onto the bed as well, settling in behind the younger boy. He poured a bit of massage oil onto his hands, rubbing his palms together to warm it up before slowly pressing into Harry's tensed up shoulders. 

Harry moaned a little into the pillow as Louis slowly worked over some of the tougher knots in his back. 

They stayed like that for a while, Louis gently pressing and rubbing all the tension out of Harry as he sunk deeper and deeper into the pillow, moaning occasionally when Louis hit a really nice spot, murmuring " _that feels good, Lou"_ or  _"Oh my god, Lou, there, please"._

When Harry was completely blissed out on the mattress, Louis pulled out his laptop and started playing The Lion King at a really soft volume. Even though he was half asleep, Harry's green eyes still lit up. 

"My favourite..." he mumbled before trailing off, seemingly too exhausted to finish his own sentence. 

"Your favourite movie as a kid," Louis finished for him. "I remember, you told me once. Thought it might help put you to sleep." 

"Little spoon," Harry whispered, so tired, the words barely came out. 

"I know, love, you're the little spoon. You're my little spoon," Louis said, and tucked himself in behind Harry, wrapping him up in a gentle hug as the opening credits rolled. 

"Love you," Harry whispered, his eyes flickering shut. 

"Love you too, H," Louis said, kissing his shoulders before settling back into his spot. 

Harry's breathing had slowed down and his arms had gone limp by his sides by the time the second musical number rolled around, fast asleep and peaceful. 

Louis was quick to join him, falling asleep easily next to his boyfriend. And even though it wasn't his house, it felt like home. 


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS! binge eating, mentions of previous sexual acts that weren't properly consented to and mentions of taking advantage of someone sexually while they're vulnerable/intoxicated, witnessing an a somewhat traumatic accident ( I don't know how else to phrase this?), a misunderstanding and misrepresentation of consent   
> Basically, this chapter gets intense at points, skim read the sad parts if you need to, or just don't read if you find it too upsetting <3   
> Also thank you for being so patient about me not posting in ages! School was hectic, hopefully everyone remembers where we left off!

Louis sat in front of his laptop, staring at the article he was supposed to be analyzing. All the words seemed to swim together. He didn't know what the fuck the article was about anymore, but he felt like he'd read it at least six times, the words bouncing off him and refusing to sink in. He needed something, he felt ready to come out of his own skin, squirming in his desk chair. He reached into the box of biscuits he had on his desk, and his fingertips brushed the cardboard at the bottom. It was empty. 

Louis felt his stomach drop, and he quickly tossed the box onto the floor where it landed among empty bags of chips, paper bags that used to be stuffed full of glazed doughnuts and sticky cinnamon rolls from the bakery, finished boxes of cheese crackers, a pizza crust, and a large array of candy bar wrappers he'd gotten from the vending machine. Maybe if he didn't look at them, he could pretend it didn't happen. 

Louis' door swung open, and he felt a lurch of panic. He wasn't ready to face anyone right now. He must have forgotten to lock his door after his last trip to the vending machine.  

Harry bounded into the room, an absolute sunbeam of energy, his curls looking perky and his green eyes so large and round, Louis sometimes swore he was dating a cartoon. 

"What are you doing here?" Louis asked, still starting at his laptop.

"I finished my last exam this morning!" Harry smiled, glowing and pretty and practically bouncing with happiness. "You said we'd go out to celebrate-"

"Why the  _fuck_  would I agree to that, Harry? I have a paper due tomorrow," Louis said, not even looking up at his boyfriend. 

"Um, okay, maybe we could reschedule or something?" Harry offered. "Did you want any help with your paper?" 

"Yeah I'm just gonna get a first year Psychology student to help me with my fourth year Journalism paper.  _Great fucking idea_ , babe. Why don't you just write my English exam while you're at it? Since you clearly know everything. Although apparently, no one ever taught you to knock before you come into someone's room like a decent human being," Louis said. He wanted to stop talking, but his mouth was running on fear, and stress, and  _shame_  and he couldn't. He glared at the computer screen before deleting a large section of his paper, slamming his fingers into the backspace button loud enough that it punctured the festering silence in the room. 

 _"Stop it,"_  Harry finally said. "I know you're stressed but just... just take a breath okay?" He took few steps closer to his boyfriend, headed toward his bed to sit down, when he felt the crinkle of wrappers underneath his bare feet. "Where did all these come from?" Harry asked, curiously, picking up some of the empty wrappers and boxes. "Your room was pretty clean when I was over the other day." Realization moved across Harry's face slowly. "They aren't all from today, are they?" He asked cautiously. 

"No, they're not all from today- God! I wouldn't do that," Louis lied, biting the inside of his cheek. 

"Lou, it's okay," Harry said, reaching around Louis to try and hug him, but Louis shrugged off his touch.  "You're just stressed," Harry said quietly, sitting cross legged on Louis' unmade bed. "You're really really stressed right now and it's okay. Just don't take it out on me, it's _never_  okay to talk to me like that. It's not going to happen again." 

"I'm sorry," Louis whispered, finally making eye contact with Harry. His eyes were rimmed with a dark burgundy purple from lack of sleep, like someone had splashed watercolours under the thin skin beneath his turquoise eyes. They were watering a little, like a shallow ocean, waiting for the ebb and flow of the tide to spill over. 

"And don't take it out on yourself either," Harry added, moving closer to Louis, reaching out to touch him again, to rub his arm soothingly, get him to take his shaky hands off his laptop. 

The tide spilled over and Louis' shoulders started shaking, as his lashes flickered trying to blink away the tears. "I'm not smart enough to be in fourth year," he said, and Harry tried to get him up out of his desk chair, to sit down on the bed with him, but Louis didn't want to move. "Have to keep working," he mumbled, swiping angrily at his eyes. 

Harry looked up at him with all the sympathy in the world, moving his hands down to rub Louis' tummy gently, hoping to soothe the nausea and discomfort that he could see Louis was feeling. "Let's just take a moment, Lou, okay?" 

"Don't touch me there!" Louis cried out, pushing Harry's hands away. "I'm disgusting," he sobbed. "Fuck," he muttered, clutching his belly. "It  _hurts_." 

"I know it does, love," Harry said softly. "You just need to let it settle a little bit and you'll feel better in a few hours. Promise." 

Louis held onto his swollen tummy, and bit his lip so hard it looked painful."I want it gone now," Louis whispered. 

"I know, but we're just gonna wait a little bit longer and then you'll feel so much better, alright? It'll go away on it's own, you don't need to do anything, Lou. Please don't do anything." Harry tried to think of how he could comfort his boyfriend when he kept rejecting his touches. He settled for gently running his fingers through Louis' hair, which he seemed to be okay with. 

"Need to keep working," Louis sniffled. 

"Okay, then tell me about the article, Lou," Harry said soothingly as Louis dried his eyes a little. "What did you think about it?" 

Louis babbled a little bit about a few different points in the article where the writing was too weak or too biased, gave some opinions on how it could have been styled better, while Harry dutifully typed out notes, handing back Louis' laptop when he was done. 

"I know it's not finished yet, but here's everything you told me in point form," Harry said. "I made one section for things you wanted to change and things you liked. I don't know how to make a proper analysis paper, but you're a lot closer to being finished than you think you are, you've typed out almost everything we talked about, you really just need to add these two point to tie it all together, I think. And I looked over your intro paragraph, and everything looks great. When is this due?" 

"Tomorrow," Louis said, "Tomorrow at lunch time." 

"Okay," Harry said, "Okay that means you have plenty of time to take a nap, right? It's only seven. I'll wake you up at eight when you're feeling better and we'll get this done." 

Louis sniffled a little, and crawled into his bed, under the covers, tossing off a few food wrappers that were hiding in his sheets. Harry smoothed his hair away from his forehead, and let Lou settle into his bed, curling up in the sheets. Harry couldn't tell if he was sleeping or just resting, but he stayed quiet just in case, gathering up all the food scraps and wrappers off the floor, off his bed, off his desk, and stuffing them all into a garbage bag. 

Harry woke the older boy up an hour later. 

"Hi," Louis murmured sleepily. 

"Hi," Harry said quietly. 

"I really love you you know?" Louis said. "I love you a whole lot and I'm really sorry for all this." 

"It's okay," Harry said. "I love you too." 

"Can you cuddle with me?" Louis asked, a little shyly. 

"Of course." 

"Are you mad at me?" Louis asked, as Harry gently wrapped his arms around him. 

"Little bit," Harry whispered. 

"I'll make it up to you tomorrow, love," Louis said, hooking his pinky finger around Harry's. "Promise." 

 

***  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  ***

 

"Do you have something you have to do?" Harry asked, sipping his tea as he watched Louis pull out his phone to check the time for the sixth time that night. Not that he was counting. 

"Um, no, not really," Louis mumbled, putting his phone away. "Sorry, love. Just have some... just like, packing up I need to do before tomorrow." 

"Of course," Harry smiled, his fondness for his boyfriend denting dimples into his cheeks. "You  _would_  leave that to the last minute." 

"I know, I know," Louis mumbled, smiling as he finished his cup of coffee. "It probably won't take too long to pack though... I mean, it's only three weeks anyway." He relaxed back into the red faux-leather booth and set down his white coffee cup on the table. 

Harry looked over at Louis from across the mahogany stained table. The older boy had brought him out to a candlelit restaurant by the water, ordered a beautiful three course meal, and insisted on paying for everything, leaving Harry blushing and stumbling through his wallet for his debit card because  _it's too much, Lou, let me help._ Louis had pushed his hand aside gently and swiped through his Visa without a thought, just with a quick,  _I've got it, babe_ , that made Harry feel like his insides had melted. 

Louis was dressed up a little tonight, and when Louis wore a blazer- even though he was just wearing it over a band t-shirt and fitted jeans- it made Harry feel like absolute _putty..._ like he could just be perfectly content to be lead around by his older boyfriend, like nothing else in the world mattered. There was just some part of Harry that always kept coming back to the feeling of being taken care of. As much as he tried to hide from it, tried to be independent, there were times when he just wanted it so fucking bad. And all at once, the thought of Louis not being there for three weeks was just a little much. 

"Three weeks is a..." he trailed off and took a steady breath. "Is a long time," he finished. "It's a long time," he said again, squeezing his eyes shut tightly for a moment while he tried to process it.

"Aww, Haz... sweetie,  _shhhh_  it's not that long... oh no," Louis cooed, opening his arms out for Harry to come and cuddle in the booth. "Don't cry, love."

"Mm not crying," Harry said, pouting with a huff, but he crawled over into the booth next to Louis anyway, letting himself curl up into his warmth.

"I'm sorry, did I trigger any sort of anxiety?" Louis asked, kissing Harry's cheeks softly. 

"No, Lou, it's not a panic thing... I'm sorry," Harry said, laughing a little. "I'm not gonna cry over it, I'm just gonna miss you  _so_ much."

"You won't miss me too bad though, it'll be good to relax and see your mom and Gemma and get all the stress from exams finally gone, eh?" Louis said, kissing Harry's forehead as he nuzzled against Louis' shoulder.

"Shit, yeah I'm sorry, just-" Harry took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm still just a mess, and three weeks seems like forever," he laughed a little apologetically.

"Well you're my mess and I fucking love you alright?" Louis said.

"Love you too," Harry said quietly, and before Louis had time to reply, Harry's lips were on Louis', warm and insistent. "I don't want you to go," he whispered, sucking a quick lovebite onto Louis' collarbone before anyone in the restaurant could notice. 

"It's Christmas break, Haz... I don't really have a choice." Louis' eyes scanned the room a little bit, hoping no one would notice his boyfriend was practically on his lap at this point. Maybe Harry and Louis weren't the best when it came to personal space. 

"You could ditch your family and just stay in my bedroom with me. For three weeks," Harry said, giggling a little as he trailed his fingers across Louis' arm. "We could just lock ourselves in there... have a  _really_ good Christmas break..." Harry winked, still laughing as he teased his boyfriend. 

"Stop it," Louis grumbled, pushing Harry away a little. " You left a mark on me, didn't you? I can't show up to all the family reunions looking all marked up like this."

"Then everyone will know you're mine," Harry said quietly, biting his lip a little, sucking on his lip piercing. "I just don't want you to leave," he whispered.

"Why don't we see if one of us can visit the other over the break?" Louis said, trailing his hands along Harry's arms, always a little in awe of Harry's smooth skin and hard muscles. "I mean, we've got to be only maybe two hours away from each other right? Doncaster and Cheshire? Shit, I'm pretty bad at directions. Not as bad as you though," he added, tickling Harry's love handles until he giggled.

"You can visit me?" Harry suggested. "Just, because you have- wait, how many siblings?"

"A lot," Louis smiled. "Big family." He moved to tuck one of Harry's curls behind his ear. It was just barely long enough now that he was finally able to.

"Yeah, it might just be a little easier to..." Harry started, trailing off.

"I know, babe," Louis said, running his thumb gently across Harry's jawline. "It's too many people to meet all at once, and you'd be somewhere new, I understand," he kissed Harry softly on the cheek. "I could come over to your place though, and you'd be nice and comfortable there, nothing to be worried about and we could cuddle up together and watch holiday movies and bake cookies together, and I'd get to know your mom and your sister. How does that sound?"

Harry nodded. "Really good. That sounds amazing." 

"Yeah," Louis smiled, his eyes crinkling around the edges. "Are you done your tea, babe? I should probably head back to the dorms and pack." 

"I can help you," Harry offered brightly. 

"No thanks, it shouldn't take too long, besides, I have to meet Liam first. That bastard stole some of my things, I need to get them back before the holidays." 

"Okay," Harry smiled. "I guess I'll see you over the break then?" 

"I'll text you every day," Louis said, kissing Harry on the nose. "Here," he added, shrugging out of his blazer. "Wear this home so you don't get cold." 

"Okay," Harry said, his voice softening. "I love you so much, Lou." 

"I love you too," Louis said. 

Their kiss tasted like coffee and tea and a little bit like  _three weeks is too long, Lou_  and  _you'll be okay, Haz_ and then there was one last kiss on the lips before Harry shivered his way to his bus stop with Louis' blazer draped across his broad shoulders. 

Louis watched him go, his silhouette looking elegant as dusk settled across the city, breathing out for a moment and letting his breath swirl into the cold air, just thinking...  _that's my boyfriend_... before he ducked into a cafe to make a quick phone call out of the early December air. 

"Liam? Yeah if you could just get the taxi over by Fourth and Main?... I'm done now... yeah I  _know_  I said I'd be done half an hour ago... he's  _hot_ , Payno- what else was I supposed to do?... ' _Oh yeah, sorry, babe, gotta cut our date short so I can go get wasted'_  ..." Louis mimicked. "See this is why you're single." Louis laughed. "...I hate you more," he said, "See you in fifteen." He hung up his phone, scrolling through his Twitter feed while he waited for the taxi to show.

His whole body was alight with energy. He hadn't been to a party in what felt like ages, and every single cell in his body was ready to blur out everything from the past few months for one beautiful night where nothing could reach him anymore. The taxi squealed to a stop in front of the cafe, and Louis climbed in, shutting the door and sending off a quick text. 

 **Louis:** _On my way._  

 

*****  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *** **

 

 _"Louis!"_  Liam said, holding his arms out wide. "You made it!" 

"Oh my God, give me that," Louis said, snatching the beer out of Liam's hand and chugging the rest of it before handing it back. Louis hated beer- it tasted too watery and it made him feel bloated- but the whole party was pulsing with energy from people who had already started drinking a few hours ago and Louis was desperate to catch up. 

"You know what you should do," Liam said slurring his words slightly, "You should play beer pong with us- they're setting up in the backyard." 

"What a lovely offer, Liam," Louis said. "But I'm afraid I'm since I'm not a seventeen year old frat boy with rich parents and a football scholarship, I'll have to pass." Louis cursed at himself for the way he always dug out the wordy sentences every time he felt sarcastic. Must have been all the English classes. He definitely didn't want to be this coherent by the time the night ended. 

"What?" Liam laughed,  grabbing another beer. 

"I'm looking for something stronger," Louis simplified, pronouncing each word slowly so it had time to sink through Liam's foggy head. 

"Did someone say they needed something stronger?" a familiar voice said, popping up behind Louis' shoulder. 

"Holy shit, Michael, you're my guardian angel," Louis said as his friend slipped a flask into his hand. 

"Yeah, don't mention it," Michael said, pulling Louis into a quick side hug. "How have you been?" he asked, his voice raising a little as someone cranked the music up another notch. Louis could feel the thrum of the bass shimmer through his bones. 

"I've been good, man. You?" Louis asked, taking a swig from the flask. It felt like he were swallowing flames, but somehow it felt comforting. Familiar. 

"The usual, the usual..." Michael said, running his hands through his messy hair. "Don't see you around much anymore, eh?" 

"I know, I've been busy," Louis said. "Fourth year is a bitch." 

"I'll drink to that," Michael replied, taking a swig from the flask before putting it back in Louis' hands. "I did see you at my place once this year though right? You were all over some curly haired kid? That was you, right? Jesus that night was a blur." 

"Yeah," Louis smiled. "That was me." He remembered how excited Harry was to go to his first real party, and while Louis spent the whole night trying to steer him away from anything too hardcore and distract him from anything too unsettling, Harry had a great night drinking a few coolers and trying out jello shots, giggling and pink cheeked as they stumbled into a strangers' room to make out. 

"You end up taking him home with you?" Michael asked, leaning in a little closer to be heard over the pounding music. 

"He's actually my boyfriend," Louis replied, his cheeks reddening as he looked up at his friend, part of him searching for approval. 

"Good on you, mate," Michael said, patting Louis' shoulder. "Seems like quite the catch." 

"He is," Louis smiled, and started asking how Michael was handling his fourth year courses when he was cut off by a group of guys awkwardly hovering around his friend. 

"Sorry, man. Big party and looks like I'm the only dealer tonight. Supply and demand," he shrugged. "Catch up with me later though, alright? Wanna hear about this new boy of yours. And give you some of the goods," he winked miming smoking a joint, "You haven't bought from me since the summer and I don't want to lose one of my best customers. Next one's on the house, okay? I missed you, bro." 

Louis laughed a little. "Missed you too, Mikey." 

"Find me later!" he called out over his shoulder, before he was swallowed up by a small gathering of party-goers with wrinkled bills in their hands. 

Louis felt a little pang as a he watched him go, thinking about all the things he'd given up on when he took Harry into his life. All the hazy summer nights with his old friends laying out in the grass passing around a joint and laughing about one thing or another... all the parties where he felt like his throat was on fire and his heart was beating in time with the music... all the shady clubs and the one night stands and having someone  _want_  him... 

It had been a while. 

Louis hated that his mind kept flickering back to it. He kept telling himself that it was okay to lose parts of yourself as long as those parts were bad parts. He drank less now, had less eating problems, hadn't lit up in months, hadn't woken up in a stranger's house since August, he'd lost touch with all his party-going friends... 

But it didn't feel okay. 

It didn't feel like Louis was growing up or evolving or turning into a better person or  _anything_... it just felt like he was missing part of himself- and yeah, he might be a better person, but that was because he was only half of one. 

And somehow in one night, Louis was determined to make it up, desperate to feel that part of him stutter back to life out of the dust. Over the next few hours he saw the bottom a lot of bottles in quick succession before switching over to shots. More efficient. 

Maybe too efficient. 

Louis apologized to the group of old friends he was catching up with before he stumbled toward the bathroom. He opened the door and saw a couple in the bathtub doing something that didn't help with his nausea, so he shut the door quickly as he called out apologies. He figured maybe if he just lied down for a little while maybe his stomach would settle, so he pushed open the door to the nearest empty (thank  _God_ ) bedroom and flopped down onto the unmade bed, not noticing that someone had followed him there. 

"Been looking for you all night, babe," Wes said, leaning against the door after he shut it behind him.

Louis' eyes darted open in surprise, before he grumbled something incoherent. He  _hated_  when people used pet names on him, especially when they only used them to be condescending. 

His only exception was when Harry said them- which wasn't very often- but every time Harry called Louis 'darling' or 'babe' or 'hunny', it made Louis feel younger- in a good way. It felt like running around catching fireflies in just a pair of socks, his mom yelling out to him that he was going to catch a cold and Louis ignoring her, because the fireflies in his mind were just fallen stars, like little shards of space had fluttered into his backyard in incandescent fragments. Maybe being called little names like that made him feel too vulnerable. 

At any rate, Wes was coming closer now, leaning against the bed and looking down at Louis with dark eyes. 

"Looks like someone's had a bit too much to drink," Wes said, sitting down on the bed next to him.

Louis was much too drunk to argue with that statement, so he just shifted a little bit away from Wes on the bed.

"What's the matter, babe? Usually you're extra touchy when you're drunk." Wes was laughing and Louis wanted to open his mouth and deny it, but he couldn't defend himself against something so  _true_. Drunk Louis was usually passed around at parties like a flask, passed around like a joint... everybody got a turn, and Louis' reputation got another smear against it. Just thinking about it made part of him felt like he was being squeezed, strangled, like it was getting harder and harder to breathe and he wondered if this was what Harry felt like when his vivid green eyes got so swollen up by fear. 

"Don't call me that." Louis said. He wasn't looking at Wes when he said it. He didn't even feel like they were in the same room. Part of him wasn't there and Louis felt a small flutter of panic. He didn't feel like himself. Something felt wrong. 

"Awwww," Wes laughed, running his hand along Louis' arm. "Some things never change."

"Everything's changed," Louis slurred, turning away from Wes' touch. "Mm not the same anymore, Wes. Please, just... I just want to be alone. I feel like shit okay. Can you just give me some space?"

"Oh, everything's changed, has it?" Wes asked. "Because what I see is you sitting here on a bed, drunk out of your mind, just me and you... like always. Looks the same as pretty much every other party we've been to since first year."

"Yeah but I have a boyfriend," Louis mumbled, reminding Wes. 

Reminding himself. 

"Yeah, but he's not here, now is he?" 

 

*****  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *** **

 

"What are you doing?" Louis whined, turning away from Wes' touch as his hand ran along Louis' arm. 

Wes sighed, moving his hand to Louis' thick thighs. "Why are we playing these games, Lou? We both know what you want. Same thing you always want." 

"I don't know if I want it though," Louis mumbled.

"Are you trying to break up with me?" Wes laughed. "We're fuckbuddies Lou. Fuckbuddies don't have breakups... just hookups." And he leaned closer and he was trailing his hands up Louis' thighs now and Louis was screaming  _stop_  in his head, everything clattering and clamoring but nothing making it past his lips bit a tiny squeak of surprise. 

Louis' throat didn't catch up with his head until Wes' hands had made it up underneath his shirt and then it was like a dam had burst and Louis' vocal chords were buzzing as he let out a barely coherent cry of "Boyfriend! I have a, Wes I don't- I have a- Harry, he's  _mine,_  my boyfriend."

Louis couldn't stop babbling once he'd started, but his heart felt like it was going to fly out of his chest and the room was dark and someone was paying _attention_  to him and he  _had a boyfriend_ but that boyfriend always seemed scared of this and maybe it was because Louis wasn't good enough, that his body wasn't good enough, and every time Harry seemed hesitant to do anything, every time Harry's trembling hands stopped and he whispered  _maybe next time, Lou I'm really sorry_  Louis suddenly felt the little pudgy bits under his boyfriends hands where his tummy stuck out too far and he bit his tongue and tried to tell himself that that wasn't what this was about but that's what it  _felt_ like and Wes' hands weren't shaking and he wasn't scared of Louis' body. He knew it better than anyone.

"I have a boyfriend," Louis said and he was crying. He was crying on a bed in a dark room, so drunk he would barely be able to slur out his full name if he tried and he was sobbing quietly now and Wes still had his hands on him, rubbing up and down his arms, still expecting Louis to change his mind like he always used to. Pushing. Pulling. Expecting. Taking. 

Wes raised an eyebrow. "Are you good?" 

"I'm good, yeah, just. Want to. I want to," Louis nodded, but the words in his head were different than the ones on his tongue. 

The world went quiet and Louis was back in Harry's bedroom, back with his pretty and comfy and gentle boyfriend- the night they  _became_  boyfriends. The haze of his memory veiled everything into a sort of pastel version of that night; soft colours, soft boyfriend. Louis had been drunk then but not as bad as he was now. He was slurry and muddled and out of sorts and he thought Harry wanted him to... thought Harry expected something from him. Like everyone else always had.  

_Lou, of course not, you're too drunk..._

Wes was tugging at Louis' shirt, cold hands splayed across Louis' stomach. His lips had latched onto Louis' throat, still unable to meet Louis' lips since he had turned his head away while hot tears splashed down his cheeks. But Wes was never much for kissing anyway. Said it was bullshit. Preferred Louis face-down.

_You're more than just a body, Lou..._

Maybe losing part of himself was a good thing. Maybe he could fill up the missing spaces with Harry's breathy laughs and his gentle fingertips and his bubblegum lip-chap and maybe he could get rid of the pieces of him that used to be okay with this. It didn't feel okay anymore. 

"Wait, no. I can't do this, please stop touching me." 

And Louis knew his words were slurred but they weren't  _that_ slurred so Wes had heard him and Louis was still crying. 

He was sobbing. 

He had to push Wes' hands off him. 

Louis stood up on trembling legs and headed for the door, and his hands were shaking when he turned the doorknob and he was trying to get away faster even though Wes wasn't chasing him he was just on the bed laughing, a little irritated, calling out, "God you're no fun anymore. Come back when you've had another drink." 

Come back when you're the old Louis. 

Louis was still trying to get the door open. 

He stumbled out of the room, faltering down the hallway, his voice trembling as he called out for Liam. Liam would probably be appropriately buzzed right now, laughing it up with some friends over a few beers, not stumbling down the hallway crying forgetting which way to go in his own friend's house. Louis had been to Michael's so many times in the first years of college he almost felt like he should pay rent, but now it all looked rearranged to him.  

Louis managed to get outside before he tripped on something and fell. He wanted to get up off the grass, but he felt  _tired._ All he wanted was Harry... warm and clean, smelling like soap and floral cologne, murmuring to him that he was such a good boy, that everything would be okay and maybe Louis could admit that he was the smaller one for once- just once- and let himself be tucked up into the younger boy, and Harry could make little  _shhh shhh_ sounds and pet through Louis' tangled hair. He whimpered for Harry, pulling his phone out of his pocket and sniffling as he tried to dial but his hands were too shaky and the numbers kept switching places. Every time he pressed a number it was in different place then where it started and he tried to just type in 'Harry' but he typed in 'hatty' by accident and nothing was okay anymore. 

And the Louis heard a yell, a scream, a terrible wail that he would hear every night, for so many nights. 

And then it was Louis screaming, letting out a completely inhuman wail because Michael was maybe twenty feet away and Louis _knows_ it's possible to survive falling out a window but he doesn't know how could survive the fall when Louis might have a heart attack just from _seeing_  it happen and Louis still has 'hatty' typed into his phone but he's trying to call anyway like maybe his phone will realize this is an emergency and Louis can't even remember the number to dial for an ambulance but someone is yelling that they're calling the ambulance and then Louis doesn't have to worry about it. He found his contact list and managed to call Harry's phone, sobbing into the line as his boyfriend picked up. 

"I love you don't leave me," Louis sobbed. "I love you I'm _sorry_." 

"Louis?" Harry said, sounding like he'd just woken up. Of course he had, it was almost two in the morning, time for being curled up in sweatpants and fast asleep, not time to be drunk and curled up on someone else's lawn, sobbing over the screams of strangers. "Louis, are you okay? Where are you? Why is there screaming? Louis, talk to me  _please_. Tell me where you are, I need to know what's happening!"

Louis can't respond, because his eardrums hum like a turntable crackling with static and he can't hear anything and the words 'my drug dealer fell out a window at a party you didn't know I was at' can't seem to make it out of Louis' mouth even if he wanted them to. Everything is empty and Louis' insides are turning out coming out and he can't even pretend to keep himself together he's crawling to the bushes hands rubbed raw from the rocky patches and Harry's yelling into the phone now but he's throwing up again.

Again. 

 

***  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  ***

 

"Liam?" Louis asked, squinting his eyes open a little. He didn't remember blacking out, but he was in his friend's bed now- snuggled into a freshly washed comforter, the sunlight streaming in through the blinds. 

Liam came into the room with a large mug of coffee and some aspirin. He sat down on the edge of the bed, and handed the coffee and pills to Louis, smoothing out the blankets a little bit before looking over at Louis with a serious expression. 

"What?" Louis asked. He could finally think clearly again, his thoughts coming in nice little waves, gentle and easy to understand. He remembered the other night when his mind was a mess, flitting in and out of flashbacks and muddling what was really happening with things that had happened to him a long time ago, tangling everything through his desperate hazy panic. Thank God he felt sober now.  

"Are you okay?" Liam asked, raising his eyebrows a little in concern. 

"I'm... yeah, I'm fine," Louis said, sipping on the coffee and swallowing two pills, wincing at his splitting headache. "How's Michael?" he asked, the scene from last night coming back to him like some sort of horrifying movie he'd watched, not feeling real to him, not feeling tangible. 

"Well, from what I've been hearing this morning, there's a lot broken and there might be internal bleeding... those are the rumours anyway," Liam added. "Everyone's been texting everyone, so I don't know if it's all true but he'll be... he'll be okay after a while, it sounds like. The way he landed he didn't hit his head or damage his spine, so that's the most important thing." 

"That's good," Louis said, sipping on his coffee and waiting for Liam to say something else. He could feel it weighing in the air, pressing down on him. 

"I heard someone say you slept with Wes," Liam said. 

There it was. 

"Well you heard wrong," Louis said honestly, remembering the way his hands shook as he left the room crying. 

"So you didn't sleep with him?" Liam asked, his brows scrunched in confusion. "I know a few people said you were in a room together. Alone."

"No! Oh my God, no," Louis said. "It wasn't like that." 

"Well did he-" Liam cleared his throat. "Uh, did he...  _touch_ you?"

"No," Louis said, "He didn't-"

"Kiss you?" Liam demanded. "Did he kiss you?"

"No," Louis said, "No he didn't kiss me. On the cheek I think, though." He added.

"What did he do then?" Liam asked. "Because honestly, Lou, I know you don't want me involved with your love life, but I worry, alright?"

"He touched my legs," Louis said quietly, not looking up at Liam. "And rubbed my arms and said... things to me, and touched my stomach. I just feel really gross, I feel like I cheated or something." He bit the inside of his cheek, nervously waiting for Liam to say something, expecting him to yell or tell him that he didn't deserve Harry.

He wasn't expecting him to start laughing. 

"He touched your  _legs_?" Liam laughed. "That's not  _cheating_ , Lou. Me and Niall get more handsy just asking each other about our day."

"Well that's a whole different problem," Louis said, managing to smile a little before it faded again. "But he... he wanted to sleep with me."

"So?" Liam asked. "Trust me, Lou. As weird as it is for me to say this, a  _lot_  of guys want to sleep with you. It's not a big deal as long as you say no. I mean, the fact that you were drunk makes it an  _automatic no_ ," Liam added. "But I can't get into that without wanting to individually punch every guy that's taken advantage of you being drunk to try and sleep with you-" Liam took a steadying breath, stopping himself from saying anything further. 

They'd gotten into a constant string of arguments since they met- always over the same thing. Louis feeling like he needed alcohol to blur things out and fade the sharp edges, and Liam insisting that he couldn't be consenting when he was such an altered state of mind. And maybe it took until last night for Louis to realize that Liam had been right. But now that it had worked its way into his mind, the thought kept pulling at Louis, making him rethink every guy he'd slept with, wondering if every slurred yes should have sounded like a no to whatever guy had pulled him away to another room. It was a lot to think about- too much to think about alone. He wanted to be half asleep in Harry's lap, have his hair played with, and just  _talk_  for hours about everything, about years worth of things that confused him. But maybe it wasn't the right time.  

"I thought about it though." Louis said quietly.

"You thought about what?"

"I thought about saying yes," Louis whispered. "I thought it might make me feel... I don't know? Alive? Like my old self? I just-" he said softly, "I don't really talk to Harry about my... my problems, I guess? It's so hard to try and be perfect for him all the time and sometimes I just want to be  _wanted_  and I just, I don't know... I don't really remember much now but I was  _so so_ confused, God, I could barely even tell where I was. Fuck, I was so out of it."

"Well he shouldn't have been trying sleep with you if you were that drunk, that's honestly-" Liam sighed. "I just get worried, Lou, I hate when people try and take advantage of you."

"Do you think I need to tell Harry?"

"That what? You almost  _thought_  about cheating on him? When you were literally so drunk you couldn't remember your address when I hauled your arse into a taxi? No, I think you can leave that lovely little bit of information out of your relationship." Liam said.

"But I don't know what to tell him," Louis said, pulling the blankets tighter around him. 

"Already taken care of," Liam said. "He was calling your phone non-stop in the taxi, so I picked up and told him that I dragged you out to a party with me, and that you were there when Michael fell and that's why you were so upset on the phone. No Wes, no excessive drinking... you're welcome," Liam said.

"But what if I should... shouldn't I tell him the truth though?" Louis asked. "I mean, I know I would  _never_  actually sleep with someone else- I mean, this kind of just proved that even when I could barely walk I still just wanted  _him_ \- but I just wanted to feel like someone was attracted to me. God this is embarrassing-" Louis added, "I love him so fucking much but I think I need to talk about what I used to be like, and I don't know," he said, his voice lowering a little, "Maybe talk about the things I've been through? I think I just need to stop pretending to be a perfect boyfriend, the pressure's driving me crazy, and maybe he doesn't want Perfect Boyfriend Louis... maybe just regular Louis is enough." Louis said, his voice small, biting his lip nervously. 

"You don't need to tell him anything. Look," Liam said. "In a normal relationship, I would say yeah, you should talk to him about  _everything_ , but Harry has anxiety. You can deal with it on your own, you don't need to confide in him about these things. He doesn't need to see all of you, just the good parts, you know? Leave all those other bits out. I think he needs someone stable, needs someone without all those issues, you don't want to stress him out with it." 

"I mean, I know he has anxiety, but I think he can handle knowing a bit about my past, maybe it would even bring us closer and-" Louis stopped. "You're looking at me like I'm crazy. Bad idea?" 

"Horrible idea," Liam said. "He doesn't need to know your past- trust me." Liam moved a little closer to Louis on the bed, and spoke gently, seeing how Louis was still wincing from his migraine. "I know you think it would help your relationship to tell Harry about the things that bother you, but I don't think you want to risk making him anxious. I mean, I _love_  regular Louis, " Liam said, squeezing Lou's shoulder with a smile. "But I think Perfect Boyfriend Louis is what Harry really wants... all your issues and worries and problems would just drive him away you know? He doesn't need to know the real Louis, it'd just be too much for him."

"Okay," Louis said, slowly, sighing a little. "Okay, you're... probably right." 

Liam gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder before he left Louis in the room, alone with just a half empty cup of coffee and his swirling thoughts. 

 

***  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  ***

 

Harry shifted a little on the bench, looking like he was struggling to get comfy while he waited for his train to come. He was just trying to roll up his jacket, probably trying to make a little pillow to sit on when Louis gently put his hand on his shoulder. Harry gasped sharply, pulling his earbuds out and looking over, his eyes shifting from fear to warmth in rapid succession. 

"Oh my God,  _Louis!"_

And Harry was leaping up because Louis was standing but Louis was trying to sit down because Harry was sitting and they were a tangled mess as Harry latched onto him like a baby koala clinging to a tree branch. Harry's lips were frantic, kissing Louis' hair and cheeks and finally, the tip of his nose, which was still flushed from the cold. 

"I thought I wasn't gonna see you before I left!" Harry said, his green eyes flickering with energy, like just Louis' presence was enough to recharge him after a draining few weeks of exams and essays.

"Well I begged me mum to change our plans and pick me up late tonight instead, so here I am," Louis said, feeling warmer just from being near his boyfriend, his whole face lighting up, and his eyes crinkling around the corners. 

"Here you are," Harry said softly, and leaned forward to kiss Louis gently. He glanced around the train  station after, trying to make sure no one had been watching, cheeks flushing as he wrapped his hands around Louis' waist and rested his head on his shoulder. Sometimes Harry was alright with public affection (a little overwhelming with it at times, to be perfectly honest) and sometimes just the thought of kissing in public was enough to make Harry blush. 

"Love you," Louis said quietly, one hand keeping Harry close to him, and the other smoothing through his curls. "Love you so much, H." 

"I love you too," Harry said, pulling away from their hug so he could look Louis in the eyes. "You're okay right?" 

"Yeah I'm okay," Louis said, and the two sat down on the bench. An announcement came over the speakers. Harry's train was on schedule to arrive in twenty minutes. 

"And your friend?" Harry said, "The one that fell off the balcony? Is he okay?" 

"He's..." Louis took a slow breath, "He's not doing great, but I have another friend checking in on him, she says he'll be alright." 

"I'm sorry you had to see that," Harry said, squeezing Louis' hand in a show of comfort. "It must have been awful." 

Louis nodded, lacing his fingers through his boyfriend's. "It was just terrifying," he said, running his fingers through his fringe to move it away from his eyes. "All I heard was screaming and then it was-"

"Sorry, Lou, can we just-" Harry interrupted him. "Can we just not talk about it? Maybe another time or something, it's just a lot to take in. I'd rather just talk about something happy." 

Louis nodded, and he looked past where Harry was sitting. He had his back to the telly that was mounted on the wall. Harry hated the news. Made him feel like the world was ending. 

And Louis saw his boyfriend pale and flushed and happy, with wars he might not even know about flashing by on the screen he turned his back to, smiling at his boyfriend who had stories and traumas and fears and memories that he might never be ready to listen to. 

"You're such a perfect boyfriend," Harry smiled. 

"Thanks, love." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Louis is a character and he doesn't fully understand what consent means, and that at his level of drinking he's been at in the past, he's actually been unable to consent even though he thinks he has been able to say yes. Anyone who took advantage of him at this time clearly didn't understand that either, which is upsetting. These are characters and they do make mistakes and are misinformed about things and taken advantage of at times (unfortunately, my characters aren't meant to be a guideline for how to act or think) but you are people-lovely people- who should be informed properly about consent so you don't get hurt.   
> To quickly and memorably sum it up, consent is: "clear, willing, COHERENT, and ongoing"  
> I'm so sorry that that's not clearly represented in the story, Louis' character doesn't understand it and we're limited to his point of view and his thoughts, so it doesn't get communicated properly to the reader, but I wanted to take this time to try and make sure us real life people are not as misinformed as the characters in the story, because a misunderstanding of consent is a very harmful thing. 
> 
> Anyway, next chapter should be up soon and then we're close to the end! :)


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here's the second last chapter! I think I'll post the last chapter really soon (maybe even right now) but it's kind of too long to put it all in one. Thanks for the reads, comments, and kudos :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I can't do content warnings without spoiling things, but I want to put them in case anyone needs them, so it's up to you if you need to read warnings or not!  
> SPOILERS/Content Warnings: sex scene (not detailed), very minor character death, serious ANGST, and some offensive comments about gender norms

"I think they like you," Harry smiled, sipping at his hot cocoa as Louis stretched his legs out on the couch. Louis looked so cozy by the fireplace, Harry was in a trance just from watching the way the fire lit up his blue eyes.

"Good," Louis sighed. "I mean your mum and your sister are amazing but I feel like I've been panicking the whole time that they secretly don't like me."

"Don't worry," Harry said, "I can always tell when my mom doesn't like someone." He smiled into his hot cocoa, thinking of all the times his mom had made little comments to him that weekend when Louis was out of the room, saying things like 'I think I like this one' or 'we have to keep this one, darling, he helps with the  _dishes_ '.

"Should we do Christmas gifts by the way?" Louis asked, moving his fringe away from his eyes. "I mean, now that we're alone?"

"Who says I got you anything?" Harry teased, but he leaned down and pulled two beautifully wrapped boxes out from underneath the sofa, nervous as he held them that maybe Louis wouldn't like them. 

Gift-giving wasn't always easy on his anxiety.

"Wow, way to show up my wrapping skills," Louis said, handing over a lumpy wrapped gift, and a little poorly wrapped box. Harry held the tiny box closer to him, already in love with the little gift he hadn't even opened.

"You open yours first," Harry insisted.

Harry looked over to see his boyfriend beaming with excitement, a little nervous as Louis started to open the first box.

"No no no," Harry said, taking it out of his hands. "That's your Christmas gift! You need to open your birthday one first, your birthday comes before Christmas!"

Louis' eyes crinkled when he smiled over at Harry. The younger boy knew everyone always forgot to separate Louis' birthday and Christmas presents. He held out the other box, the one with the faint cursive pattern on the wrapping paper spelling out 'Happy Birthday!'. Louis ripped the paper off and pulled out a new laptop charger and a portable phone charger.

"Because yours are always going missing," Harry explained shyly.

Louis grinned, setting the presents carefully aside. He set to work on his Christmas present next, unwrapping it to find a soft cable knit throw blanket.

"Oh wow, this is beautiful," Louis said, "Thank you so much, babe." He kissed Harry gently on the forehead, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders.

"My turn?" Harry asked, reaching for the small box first.

"Yeah," Louis said, "I know it's not much but-"

"Oh my gosh," Harry whispered, peering into the little box to see the delicate chain inside. There was a tiny charm of a swallow, barely bigger than his pinky nail, silver and glinting softly by the light of the fireplace. Harry lifted up the ends of his hair, where the curls were staring to cover the nape of his neck.

Louis' eyes seemed transfixed for a moment at the ivory column of Harry's neck, not cluing in on what to do until Harry looked over at him with a bashful smile.

Harry knew Louis had never dated a girl before, and he'd probably never dated a guy with long hair, so it took him a moment to realize Harry was waiting for him to put the necklace on for him. Louis fumbled with the clasp as he drew it around Harry's neck, the swallow charm landing right in between Harry's two tattoos.

"It's so perfect," Harry whispered, his long fingers grazing gently over the delicate chain.

"You didn't open the second part of your gift," Louis said, pretending to pout.

"Don't want anything else, Lou," Harry said, still transfixed as he looked down at the small silver bird.

"Just open it, Harold," Louis said, nudging Harry to open it.

Harry took off the paper slowly.

His eyes widened a little and he bit his lip, playing with his lip ring a little.

"Sorry if they don't fit right or if you don't like them, I just thought they were, you know... festive." Louis said as Harry ran his fingers along the lace panties, one red pair and one green pair.

"They are quite festive," Harry agreed, holding up the green pair, a nice jade pair of boyshorts made entirely of lace. "These are my favourite," he said, his lips turning up in a smile. "Wish I could try these on but... hygiene," Harry sighed.

"I washed them already," Louis said. "Not saying you need to try them on or anything, but-"

Harry cut him off with a kiss.

"Come to my room?" Harry whispered when he pulled away. "I want to show you how much I like my gift," he said softly.

"How long are your mum and sister gone for?"

"They're  _shopping_ , Lou... gotta be at least a few hours. Just come upstairs with me," Harry said, tugging on the hem of Louis' jumper.

Louis nodded, and followed Harry, holding his hand the whole way up to his room.

When they got into Harry's room, the younger boy shut the door behind them and guided Louis down onto the bed.

"Wait here," Harry said, trying to keep his voice steady. He could feel his heart fluttering as he slipped off to the bathroom to change.

Harry took off his skinny jeans and plain black undies, changing into the new green pair that Louis had bought him. He left on his over-sized jumper, feeling a little self conscious.

He looked into the mirror and saw his cheeks blazing with a feverish shade of red.

"It's just Louis," he whispered to himself. "It's just Louis," he repeated under his breath.

He'd been thinking about this moment since the start of the holiday break, and it had been all he could think about since Louis first arrived at their house two days ago.

He was ready.

Maybe he'd  _always_  been ready; he remembered the night of their first kiss, stumbling into Niall's room by accident, and the night when Louis came over and they'd had a bath together, and the time when Louis let him get himself off against him at the party.

He was _ready_.

Harry leaned against the sink and took a slow breath, and carefully folded up his jeans before walking back out into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

"Hi," he said softly.

Louis looked up at him like he were something precious- an oil painting, a gemstone, a lunar eclipse.

If Harry wasn't blushing before, he was blushing now.

"What do you want, love?" Louis asked gently as Harry brought the sleeve of his sweater up to his mouth, chewing on it a little. It was a bad habit- but when he was nervous he forgot to stop himself.

"Want  _you_ ," Harry mumbled.

"Are you sure?" Louis asked.

Harry nodded, sleeve of his jumper still in his mouth.

"If you change your mind, let me know- okay, Harry?" Louis said, running his hand along the small of Harry's back. "You can change your mind now, you can change your mind halfway through... just let me know, I won't be mad, baby."

Harry nodded, leaning into Louis' touch.

"If you want to do safe words, you can use red for stop, yellow for slow, or green for if you want to keep going," Louis said. "But if you just want to say stop or anything, I will, okay?"

"I agree to the terms and conditions, Lou, just fuck me," Harry giggled, running his fingers through Louis' hair, smiling a little as he straddled Louis on the bed.

Louis laughed, lightening the mood, wrapping his hands tight around Harry's waist.

"In case you were wondering, I'm green," Harry said. "Very green."

"I can see that," Louis smirked, slipping his thumbs under the hem of Harry's new green lace panties, making the younger boy gasp as his green eyes darkened.

Louis tugged off Harry's jumper, and then his own, and the younger boy shivered a little, leaning forward for a kiss. Harry meant for it to be a slow, romantic kiss, but as soon as Louis' tongue flicked across his lip piercing he moaned and suddenly the whole room felt like it were on fire and Louis' hands were running across his tummy and Harry was tugging Louis closer by the belt loops of his jeans.

"Do you have...?"

Harry nodded, leaning over to grab the little bottle and the foil packet from his bedside table.

"Good boy," Louis whispered, and Harry was practically preening. He nuzzled into the crook of Louis' shoulder, whimpering a little as Louis pushed the lace aside and started opening him up with clever fingers.

"Mmmm," Harry whined, pulling at Louis' jeans. He wanted everything faster, could barely stand Louis' teasing pace. It felt like hours before Harry was laid out on the bed, thighs trembling, eyes glassy, and lips parted in a moan.

Louis looked like heaven, and Harry spent the whole time trying to bring him closer, his hands a little shaky as they ran across Louis' gorgeous back, Louis' tight tummy, Louis' perky arse.

Harry felt empty when it was over, shifting around in the bed a little, his eyes glassy and watering as Louis left the room.

Louis returned less than a minute later with a warm washcloth, gently wiping away the mess on Harry's tummy.

"Are you okay, baby?" Louis asked, helping Harry into a pair of loose fitting sweatpants and kissing him softly on the forehead.

"So good," Harry whispered. "So so good."

"I know angel, you were perfect," Louis said, running his hands along Harry's arms reassuringly.

"Empty," Harry whimpered, and he felt embarrassed and knew  _this_  was why it took so long. Harry after sex was needy, whiny, childish and it wasn't something he wanted his boyfriend to know about. He looked up at Louis, his eyes still watering.

"I need to get you some water, okay, hunny? And I'll get you something to eat, you just need to stay comfy for me okay?" Louis helped Harry into his favourite sweater, and fluffed up the pillows for him, plucking his old teddy bear off the shelf and handing it to Harry with a little smile.

Harry cuddled up into the covers and waited for Louis to come back.

"Hey," Louis whispered, a few minutes later, helping Harry sit up so he could sip at the glass of water. "You feeling alright?"

Harry nodded. "Mm just embarrassed, Lou," he mumbled. "I get all, needy, um  _after_ ," he said, and tucked his chin into the crook of Louis' shoulder.

"It's fine," Louis said, smoothing out his curls. "I'm not gonna leave you."

"Good," Harry said softly. "You're my favourite."

"You're my favourite too," Louis said, hugging Harry closer to his chest.

"Does this mean I'm on the naughty list this year?" Harry asked.

Louis practically cried from laughing, and the two stayed cuddled up under the covers, giggling and whispering for hours. 

 

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

 

"Louis! Stop stop  _stop_!" Harry squealed, barely breathing between giggles, his legs kicking aimlessly as he tried to defend himself against Louis' tickling fingers, rolling from side to side in the grass as he swatted feebly at Louis' hands.

Someone passing by gave them a withering glare as Louis reluctantly stopped tickling Harry's ribs.

Harry giggled, and Louis looked around him, making sure the stranger had passed by and they were alone again before leaning down to kiss Harry. Harry tugged Louis down with one last breathy giggle, until Louis was laying on top of his boyfriend.

Harry's kisses were insistent, his lip piercing cool against Louis' warm lips. The younger boy moaned softly into Louis' mouth, slowly grinding his hips against Louis', his hands trailing down to tug at the older boy's jeans.

"I'm not getting you off in a public park, you psycho," Louis whispered with a laugh, kissing Harry's neck softly as the green eyed boy pouted, the ambling early spring breeze ruffling through his shoulder length curls. Louis ran his fingers through his boyfriends hair, admiring how long it had grown since Harry had cut it short in the winter.

"Mmm not crazy, Lou," Harry murmured. "Just  _want_ you... all the time," he admitted, biting his lip softly. "Pleeeease," he whined, pinching Louis' arm a bit as he waited for a response.

"Just wait until we're back in my dorm, babe. Jeez, I can't take you anywhere," Louis smirked, shaking his head a little.

And yes, they were in  _that_ stageof their relationship now, euphemistically referred to as the 'Honeymoon Phase' although Liam preferred to call it the 'I'm Scared to Leave the Room for a Minute When You Two Come Over' phase- which, alright... might be justified after what had happened last time. And the time before. But it had been a few months since their first time now, the memory softened a little, and since then Harry and Louis had slowly become HarryandLouis, inseparable and insatiable. 

"Fuck off," Harry laughed. "You can take me places," he insisted. "....You could take me to a hotel," he suggested, with a shy smile.

"You wanna have a little rendezvous, hun?" Louis asked, kissing Harry's forehead.

"That'd be perfect," Harry whispered, arching his back up a little to get closer to Louis.

Louis was about to give Harry one last kiss before getting off of the ground when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket.

Harry moaned a little. "Louuuu, that's not helping my situation."

"I'm sorry, I don't want to be rude but-"

"Just bloody answer it," Harry said, laughing as Louis fumbled his phone out of his pocket and stood up to answer it.

"Hello?" he said, walking a little bit away from Harry as he talked, not out of a need to keep the younger boy from eavesdropping but as a habit of pacing when he talked on the phone.

"Hey, Louis? This is Louis right? Got the right number? It's Gemma."

"Oh, hi!" Louis said, a little caught off guard. "Did you want to talk to-" he turned around to get ready to hand off the phone to Harry, but his boyfriend was on the opposite side of the park now, on one of the swing sets, probably already bored of waiting for Louis to get off the phone.

"No no," Gemma said hastily. "I need to talk to you actually."

"Um, alright," Louis said, tugging at the hem off his shirt and brushing some of the grass off of his jeans. "What's up?"

"Harry's dad... _our_  dad," Gemma corrected. "He..." she let out a long sigh. "He passed away."

"Sorry?" Louis said, "He what?" Louis could hear Harry's sister perfectly, the connection was fine, but he wanted her to go back and change her sentence, tell him that he'd misheard her.

"He died about a week ago," Gemma said. "The funeral already passed. Mum didn't want Harry to feel like he had to be there or miss any of his schoolwork, so she thought we'd best tell him after it'd already happened."

"Oh my God," Louis said quietly. "Oh my  _God_. I can go get Harry, and put him on the phone for you." Louis said. "I'm really sorry for your loss," he added.

"We didn't really know our dad," Gemma said. "And no, that's the thing... I kinda wanted _you_  to tell him."

"I don't know what to say though," Louis said. "Can you please just-"

"Look," Gemma said. "I'm not there right now. I can't be there with him when he finds out, and I know it's gonna tear him up, he needs someone to be there with him when he finds out. And I saw you two together at Christmas and I trust you, all right? Just pick a good time when he doesn't have a lot going on with school, maybe a week or so from now I think he said he didn't have any essays due... and just sit him down okay? He used to always watch Aladdin when he was sad, maybe put that on for him? Just stay with him overnight and watch him or make sure he stays with Niall overnight for a few days, alright?"

"Wait, a  _week_  from now?" Louis said. "Shouldn't I tell him now?"

"Trust me," Gemma said. "He said he had an important paper due this week. Just wait for the right timing, okay? I just need you to promise you'll be protective of him for me, alright? I can't be there so I need you to be."

"Alright," Louis said. "I'll wait for the right time." There was a small pause and Louis could hear the static crackle through the phone lines. "How did he... how did he pass on?" Louis asked.

"Harry wouldn't want to know," Gemma replied quietly.

"Okay," Louis said quietly and he could feel the whole weight of Gemma's words on him, the pressure of having to be Harry's protector... but he looked over at his boyfriend, swaying gently back and forth on the swing set with a faint smile even visible from a distance, and Louis knew he'd do anything to keep his boy happy.

 

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

 

"Hey, Haz, how are-" Louis started as he opened the door. 

Harry looked up from where he was sitting on the bed, his hands shaking slightly. 

Louis' smile faded a little when he saw Harry's expression. 

"I'm here," Louis said, rushing to Harry's side. "Talk to me, babe, what's wrong?" 

"I got a call," Harry said, his voice shaking a little. "It was from, from my ex... he just wanted to say sorry." 

"Sorry for...?" 

"Sorry that my dad passed away?" Harry said, his voice rising at the end, making it seem like it were a question. "And I looked up the obituary on- online," he stammered. 

"Oh, baby, come here," Louis said, pulling the younger boy against his chest. "It's gonna be alright." 

"I don't know what to do," Harry said, his breath hitching a little as he tried to hold back his sobs. "I don't wanna have to tell," he sniffled. "Don't want to have to tell my mom, and- and  _Gemma_ ," he said, his face warm with tears. 

"Sweetie..." Louis said, rubbing gentle circles onto Harry's back. "They already knew, hunny... I'm sorry you had to find out like this though- that wasn't how it was supposed to work out." 

Harry pulled away from his boyfriend, his green eyes flickering with confusion. "What do you mean they  _knew?_ Did you know?" 

"Yeah, well I-" Louis started, his blue eyes not meeting Harry's green ones. 

"You knew that my dad was-" Harry cut himself off. "You knew about it and you just... you just- what?" Harry's nails were scratching at his arms now, and Louis swiftly moved Harry's hands away from his wrists. 

"I was going to tell you, love. But you have a lot going on this week. And you know you would have..." 

"Would have  _what?"_ Harry asked, his voice rising as he swatted Louis' hands away. "Don't fucking touch me," he hissed. He could feel something in him bubbling, his lungs felt tight and his veins felt like they were knotting slowly, making his blood pound through his heart until it felt ready to leap out of his chest. 

"Be reasonable, Haz," Louis said calmly. "You know you would have had really bad panic attacks, you wouldn't have been able to finish that report you had due, it was worth a ton of your grade... it just made more sense this way," he said soothingly. "I'm really sorry for your loss though, can we talk about that, hun? Are you ready to talk about it?" 

"I don't want to talk about anything with you!" Harry said, and if he could feel himself slipping out of it before, it was definitely past his control at this point. He felt as though he were watching himself onscreen, it felt like he'd floated away from his own body. 

"You can't keep hiding from everything like you always do," Louis said. "It would help  _so_ much if you'd just talk about-" 

"I'm not the one who's hiding anything!" Harry said, his voice picking up in anger. "You can't just keep things from me like that!"

"I was going to tell you soon," Louis insisted. 

"But you  _didn't_  tell me. You didn't fucking tell me," Harry said, his voice still rising. 

"Gemma told me to wait until-" 

"Gemma wouldn't hide things from me!" Harry yelled, his voice booming across the room. He knew everyone in the neighboring rooms could probably hear everything but Harry couldn't stop. 

Harry's yelling seemed to have finally snapped something in Louis, whose eyes looked like venom now. "Grow the fuck up, Harry!  _Everyone_ does this to you!" 

"No they don't, it's just  _you_ , no one else hides things from me you're just a-" Harry started, feeling his hands trembling. He knew he wasn't going to hit Louis, but he'd give anything to have a punching bag in front of him now.  

"Who's the last person Niall slept with?" Louis asked, cutting Harry off mid sentence. 

Harry looked over, a little blankly. "Why does it matter?" he seethed. 

"You don't know do you?" Louis asked, and Harry felt like he was taunting him. 

"Katie," Harry snapped. "Katie Sheppard. The girl he took to prom." 

Louis eyes were locked with Harry's, challenging. Like a standoff. 

"Guess someone doesn't know Niall as well as he thought," Louis shrugged. 

"Oh, and you know him better than I do?" Harry yelled, seeing Louis flinch a little at his voice. Harry had spent so long acting small and soft and delicate, that it was easy to forget he was broad shouldered, edging on six feet tall, and had a deep voice that was terrifying when he raised it. "What, because you went for  _pints_ with him  _one fucking time?"_

"Yeah, actually," Louis said. "Ask him who the last person he slept with was. It's pretty scandalous, I'd say. Spoiler alert... definitely wasn't Katie. Do you want me to keep going?" Louis asked. "Because trust me, everyone's hiding things from you."

"No they're not!" Harry yelled, and he dug his hands into the sheets, until Louis could hear the tear of fabric. 

"Harry, shit, I'm-" Louis took a slow breath. "I'm sorry," the older boy said. "I love you so much, let's just calm down for a second please."

"I'm not gonna fucking calm down!" Harry yelled. "Is that what you want from me? To be  _normal?_  Just push off every bad thing that happens so you don't have to deal with me being upset about things?"

"Well you do that yourself," Louis muttered, picking at a hole in his jeans.

 _"What was that?"_  Harry asked.

"You don't know the first thing about what I've been through because you don't want it to upset you," Louis said.

"I do know things about you!" Harry said. "I know you like to hide things from me like a complete asshole."

"Where were you," Louis said, his eyes narrowing, "After that night you caught me binge eating? Did you ever ask me about it again?"

Harry stayed quiet.

"Did you ever check up on me? Did you ever think maybe that wasn't normal?"

"That was just one-"

"The time you came into my room in January," Louis said. "And you caught me throwing up, and I lied and said it must just be a stomach bug and you said ' _that sucks'_. Didn't cross your mind to think maybe it was the assignment I failed that morning? Or did you just not want to deal with it?"

Harry sucked in a sharp breath.

"What about the morning after that party, when I saw Michael fall off a balcony? You said we'd talk about it another time, but we never did."

"I want a break," Harry said.

Louis rolled his eyes. "What, like, to go grab a coffee and come back and yell at me some more, or-"

"No," Harry said, his gaze focused on the wall. "I mean, a  _break_. I want a break."

"We're not taking a break," Louis said. "We got into this shitty mess because we didn't talk about these things and I'm not letting you go until we sit down and talk about every goddamn thing we avoided since the start."

"No," Harry said quietly. "I don't want to talk. You're asking for things that I  _can't give_ , Louis."

"You  _can_ ," Louis pleaded. " _Please_ , Harry, I love you. You have anxiety but you aren't defined by it. You have no idea how far you could push yourself, you're capable of so much, and I know we can just talk things through, I know it's a lot of upsetting things, but-"

"I don't want this anymore, Lou," Harry said quietly. He fumbled with the chain on his swallow necklace, before placing it in Louis' hands. "Have a good rest of the semester," Harry said. 

"No, please just- I just want to talk!" Louis stammered, his blue eyes watering, as he clasped tightly to the little gold chain in his hands. 

"I'm sorry," Harry whispered, before he ran out of the room, slumping down in a corner sobbing only once he was far _far_  away from his boyfriend... ex- boyfriend.

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

 

Harry stumbled into his dorm room a few hours later, knowing that even if Louis had waited in his room after the fight, he would have left by now. 

He took a shaky breath and headed toward his room, freezing by the door when he heard voices. 

"Oh my  _God_ ," he heard someone say- it was an unfamiliar voice to Harry, but it sounded male. He heard muffled laughter, and he was about to open the door when he heard. "Your roommate _wears_ these?" 

More laughing. 

There had to be at least four guys in his room. He heard his roommate's voice now, and Harry's heart was racing as he inched closer to the door to hear them. 

"I'm telling you, they're  _his,_  man... I mean, it's not like he has a girlfriend. And I mean, come on, he even wears makeup." More laughing. 

"Fuck, how did you end up with the freak-show roommate?" 

Harry opened the door to his room, and saw his roommate, surrounded by four of his friends, some of them still laughing, and one of them holding a pair of Harry's panties between his thumb and pointer finger like they were too disgusting to touch. But they were clean, they were in Harry's  _drawer_. 

Harry's heart slammed against his rib cage when he saw the pair the boy was holding. 

The green lace pair. 

_I just thought they were, you know... festive..._

_...I want to show you how much I like my gift..._

_Good boy..._

"Give that back," Harry said, his voice steady as he locked eyes with the boy that was holding onto the pair of panties. 

The boy tossed them into Harry's hands, and all the guys in the room fell silent. Harry snatched his favourite clothing items from his drawer, his school books, and his necessary toiletries, stuffing them into a small duffel bag before zipping it up and looking over at his roommate. 

"Don't you  _ever_  go through my stuff again," Harry warned. 

His roommate mumbled something about ' _we were just messing around'_ but Harry had slammed the door before he could hear the whole halfhearted explanation. 

He made it about halfway to the bus stop before he broke down. He slipped behind a quiet building, sitting down on a park bench and fumbling out his phone. 

"I need-" he gasped. "Need you, please come." he sniffled, and wiped at his nose with the sleeve of his flannel. "I don't  _know_ ," he moaned, shaking his leg up and down. "Behind Benton Hall I, I think, you know which building that is? I don't know I'm on a bench," he said, and he couldn't get out any coherent words after that so he hung up the phone and hugged his knees to his chest. 

And people walked by and some people stared, and _God_ , he was still clutching onto that green pair of undies but at college everyone seemed to mind their own business. He knew he'd been sitting there for at least fifteen minutes since the call ended but he still held his phone in his hand like he'd just hung up. 

A pair of strong arms wound around him. 

"Right here," he heard- soothing, soft, but trying to tug him up from the bench. Familiar cologne. "Let's get you somewhere comfy. Make you some tea? Run you a bath?"

"Wanna stay here," Harry grumbled, but he was gently tugged up and lead toward the parking lot. Warm hands.  

"You can't just live on a park bench, H." 

Maybe Harry wasn't thinking clearly, but in that moment he probably could. There was no where else he wanted to be. 

Harry didn't reply, until he felt the pair of panties being pulled from his tight grip. "Don't!" he cried. "They're  _mine!_ " 

"People are staring, H." 

Harry tried to rub the tears out of his eyes, but everything was still blurry and out of focus. He tried to focus in on the voice that was talking to him. 

"Niall," Harry moaned. "I fucked everything up. I fucked it up really bad and I don't know what to do. Don't know what to do anymore." 

"Oh, _Harry_... it's okay, just get in the car," Niall said, opening the door and helping Harry in, buckling him into the passenger seat, tossing his hastily packed overnight bag in the backseat. 

Harry whimpered a little bit as they drove, trying to stifle his sobs into his flannel sleeves. 

"Shhhh..." Niall murmured, reaching over at a red light to rub Harry's thigh comfortingly. "I'm right here okay? We're only five minutes away, and you can tell me everything, I'll help you fix it alright? I'm sure it's not anything we can't work through together." 

Harry hiccuped softly and nodded. Everything felt hazy but it wasn't the soft hazy that it used to feel like when he was with- 

Harry bit the edge of his sleeve. 

When things used to fade out like this, when he was with... was with...  _someone_ , he felt floaty and disconnected in a sleepy sort of way, like every surface his fingers skimmed was cotton and nothing could hurt him, the full and cozy feeling of warm milk before bedtime, curls resting on a plush pillow with freshly washed sheets and butterfly kisses. 

This feeling was like every surface was made out of glass splinters, but Harry couldn't see anything. He felt hazy in the same way as when you walk through a haunted house with your eyes closed because you're terrified of everything lurking in the dark, knowing something's there but not able to grasp at the shapes in the dark until it's entirely too late. 

Harry reached between the dips of his collarbones for his swallow necklace, his fingers brushing smooth pearl skin with nothing on it but ink. 

"We're not together anymore," Harry whispered. 

Niall pulled into the driveway and Harry's heart rate felt like it was slowing to a stop as well. 

"Harry, I'm  _so_ sosorry, what do you need?" Niall asked, putting the car in park and quickly hopping out to help Harry unbuckle and get out of the car. 

"Need Advil," Harry whimpered, "Head hurts." 

"I'm sure it does, H." Niall said, rubbing Harry's leg gently with one hand as he tried to unbuckle his seat belt with the other. 

"And, and pet names," Harry mumbled, his voice muffled as he chewed on his sleeve. 

Niall looked at him with concern, but said, "Of course, hunny," before pulling Harry out of the car and into a hug. Familiar arms. 

"I miss myself," Harry said, he was trembling. Niall's shoulder was comfy and Harry's eyes were closed as he nuzzled into the crook of Niall's neck.  

"You're still right here, lovey," Niall said, Niall was grounded, Niall had roots, Harry was still trembling. 

"No I'm not," he whined, and Niall practically had to carry him into the house because Harry's body was in little fragments, and he was missing too many pieces to function properly. 

"You're right here with me," Niall said in a steady voice, holding Harry upright as he slumped against his shoulder. 

But Harry wasn't. 

He was in the elevator with Louis, talking about simple things, names and majors and school clubs, and Louis was holding his suitcase and Harry should have broken up with Cameron that night because he knew that moment his veins changed colours, his heart switched tempos and nothing was the same. And Love at First Sight was complete bullshit until suddenly it was three in the morning and you were drowning in thoughts of the cute boy down the hall. 

He was in the cafe, Louis was dragging him up onstage- _up for it Harold?-_ and shortcuts to get back home afterward. Liam had ordered him a coffee and Louis had looked at Harry that night like the whole universe was contained in his green irises, his petal pink lips. 

He was pressed up against the kitchen counter, first kisses, and Louis tasted a little bit like cherries, and they were in a stranger's pool, giggling against each other's skin and it was probably too soon for a first kiss but once the first one was done all Harry cared about was a second... third... fourth...

_I love you. So fucking much, I just, I needed to say it, but it's okay if you don't._

"Hey, it's okay, you're right here with me, love," Niall said. Harry didn't realize how tight he was gripping onto Niall's hand but they were in Niall's room now, and he was saying something about a therapist but Harry slipped under the covers to try and drown it out. His thoughts couldn't be muffled by the blanket though and he held Niall's hand so tight he thought he might break it.

 

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

 

"So I was thinking," Niall said, looking up from his laptop, "I know you already go to therapy once a week, but I was thinking that maybe just for the next month or so you could try going twice a week. Once things get a little better, you can go back down to your normal though, I just thought-"

"I, I haven't been going," Harry admitted, tugging on the sleeves of his hoodie.

"What do you mean?" Niall said. "How long since you stopped going?"

"A few months," Harry said. "I wanted to feel more, more normal I guess, I just though that... that he wouldn't want to be with someone who was in therapy all the time. Wanted to be a normal boyfriend." Harry bit his tongue, regretting admitting it Niall. He wasn't normal, wasn't normal at all.

"H," Niall sighed, his blue eyes soft and comforting. "You can't just quit therapy like that, it's not a bad thing to go, doesn't make you different or strange, I promise. I found this really nice lady who's good with grief counselling, and I thought that maybe-"

"I'm fine."

"Well you're not fine right now," Niall said. "And you're someone who needs therapy and that's okay. I booked you an appointment for-"

"I  _said_ I'm fine," Harry insisted. "I'm going for a bath now."

"Harry," Niall sighed. "Can we just talk?"

"I don't want to talk," Harry said.

"That's what you told Louis too, isn't it?" Niall said.

Harry froze in his spot, halfway to the bathroom. He knew that Louis would have talked to Liam and Liam would've talked to Niall, but somehow hearing the intimacies of their fight said out loud jarred something in Harry's heart.

"You can't just avoid everything forever," Niall said, more gentle this time.

Harry ignored Niall, and headed to the bathroom, filling the tub up and pouring in too much bubble bath.

He heard the door creak open.

"Jesus Christ, Niall, what do you want?" Harry snapped. He'd spent the past two days with Niall, and those two days had meant falling asleep in the same bed, waking up at the same times, eating meals together, and Niall constantly  _constantly_ wanting to talk.

"I was just about to put some laundry in and I thought you might want your hoodie washed? You've been wearing it a few days now." Niall said quietly, wincing a bit at Harry's sharp tone.

Harry sighed, and shrugged out of his hoodie tossing it over to his friend, feeling something flicker inside of him as he took it off.

Déjà vu.

Niall left the bathroom, the door still slightly open, and Harry wriggled out of his sweatpants and into the bubbles. He tried to shake the feeling off, but his mind was playing over the memory like it was projected onto the bathroom wall and Harry couldn't stop himself from slipping into it.

_"Louis," Harry whined, his hoodie zipped tightly up as much as it would go, "Just let me keep my sweater on."_

_Louis raised his eyebrows at Harry._

_Louis' sassy face was not to be messed with._

_"I'm cold?" Harry tried in vain._

_"Take it off, Haz," Louis insisted, hands on his curvy hips as he waited for a response._

_"Why?" Harry asked, forming sweater paws with his hoodie._

_"Because," Louis said, tugging a little on the zipper. "This is how you want to dress sometimes and that's okay. I like your shirt. And I know you love it, just... no one here knows you. First years never come here, you'll be okay."_

_Harry sighed, and slowly peeled out of his hoodie and was left in his tissue thin black button down. It was floaty and translucent and unbuttoned all the way down to Harry's ribs, framing off some of his chest tattoos beautifully, and letting the other tattoos on his body peep through the sheer fabric. It was lined at the edges with a pale pink lace trim and it was absolutely nothing like what Harry ever wore to lecture or out in public._

_Louis reached into his pocket and pulled out a flower crown._

_Harry looked skeptical._

_"I know you freaking love these things," Louis said. "If you're not yourself in college, when are you ever going to be?"_

_"Never," Harry said, crossing his arms across his slightly exposed chest. "I'll just blend in forever and die happy."_

_"You were not made to blend in, Styles."_

_Harry reluctantly dipped his head down a little so Louis could nest the subtle flower crown into his curls. It wasn't a bulky crown, just a slim band of white and lavender flowers._

_"C'mon," Louis said, "Let's get you a drink."_

_"What do you like, then?" Louis asked, sitting up on the bar stool. Harry tried to hold back a grin thinking about how much smaller Louis was- Harry's feet were almost touching the ground, while Lou's were off the floor._

_"Peach bellini," Harry admitted._

_Louis ordered the drinks, and the two sat there with their drinks, Louis with his beer, and Harry's with an adorable mini umbrella._

_Louis was three beers in, and Harry was just starting his second drink, both giggling about something Harry had mispronounced. Harry felt like he could skip his ab workouts for the next week with the amount Louis had made him laugh that night; he was blushing and glowing and kept holding onto Louis' biceps because they were firm and they made him feel safe and stable when he felt like he might float away from laughter._

_A man sat down next to Harry while he waited for the bartender to come around. He did a double take when he saw Harry, delicate flower crown perched on his carefully brushed curls, bubblegum pink drink held in his long fingers, and his gossy shirt floating over his skin._

_Harry looked over at the man, who was clearly more than a little drunk and more than a little bit staring at him. "Um, can I help you?" Harry asked, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion._

_Louis squeezed Harry's hand, and said quietly, "Let's just go, babe," trying to tug Harry away from the man._

_"Sorry, just tryin' to figure out what you are," the guy laughed. "If you were a girl, I might've taken you home."_

_"Well, I'm a boy," Harry said calmly, "So thank God for that, because I wouldn't want to go anywhere with you."_

_"What's it with guys these days, always tryin' to look like chicks or somethin'. S'just disgusting," the man slurred. He looked over at Louis, not realizing he was with Harry. "Amiright?" he asked Louis._

_Harry looked over at Louis, his mouth frozen, not knowing what to say, but not wanting Louis to get involved in any of this._

_Louis grabbed at Harry's thin shirt, pulled him closer and kissed him. Harry's lips parted as soon as they met Louis', and Harry's lips were still cold from his iced drink. Harry's hands rested on his boyfriend's thick thighs and he was squeezing, squeezing, squeezing. He felt like he were a breath away from being knocked over; needed something to hold onto._

_Louis pulled away from the kiss and faced the drunken stranger. "If you have a problem with him, you have a problem with me. You don't want to have a fucking problem with me," he said, and taking Harry gently by the wrist, he led him out of the bar._

_"Lou, I-" Harry started, tugging his shirt closed so it wouldn't be as revealing. He was about five seconds away from crying._

_Louis cut him off with a kiss, his lips warm and insistent against his boyfriend's. Harry parted his lips, and kissed him back, letting Louis steer him against the wall of the building, letting out a little moan when Lou pressed him against the bricks, Louis' hands running all over his body._

_Harry whimpered against the brick wall, his skin scraping roughly. "Louis that feels good," he murmured, as Louis ran his hands against Harry's chest._

_Louis kissed the crook of Harry's neck, sucking a little lovebite and nipping softly at the warm skin. Harry breaths quickened, and he let out a few breathy moans, his hands tight around Louis' hips._

_Louis kissed up to Harry's strong jawline and Harry's breaths were sharper now, his fingernails digging into Louis' sides._

_Louis pulled away, looking up at his boyfriend, who had pulled the flower crown off his curls and dropped it onto the pavement._

_"I'm so sorry about all that, hun," Louis said, taking Harry's hands in his. "It's alright now, I've got you, okay? What do you need?"_

_"I'm fine," Harry whispered._

_"Let's get a taxi out of here, alright, babe?"_

_Harry nodded and chewed on his hoodie strings once he's put his sweater back on, a full step behind Louis, holding his hand tightly and being gently tugged along._

_"Lou," Harry whispered, "Do you think there's something wrong with me?_

_"Of course not, Hazza," Louis said, rubbing Harry's back slowly. "Don't listen to what people like that say. They're upset about their own problems, and they see someone happy and expressing themselves and that's who they take things out on, babe. Absolutely nothing wrong with you... not one single thing."_

_"Why do I like different things then?" Harry asked shyly burying his face in Louis' chest. "Wanna be normal, wanna be normal for you."_

_"You don't need to be normal, I like you just the way you are- you're special, love," Louis whispered with a smile, pressing a kiss to Harry's forehead. "You're so fucking special."_

 

Niall helped Harry out of the bathtub, shuddering and crying.

"C'mon," Niall said, holding Harry steady as he looked around the bathroom for a towel. "You're alright now. I've got you."

"When's the a-a-appointment?" Harry sputtered out, as Niall gently started to dry him off.

"Tomorrow at two," Niall said, wrapping the towel around Harry.

"Okay," Harry said quietly, and leaned against Niall's shoulder. "Okay," he murmured.

 

 


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Louis talks about his body image issues, eating problems, and about other serious issues and I Harry does a bit too. 
> 
> Anyway, this is the last chapter, so thank you for anyone who read this :)

Louis rolled around in his bed, his head feeling fuzzy not sure what jolted him awake, but trying to keep himself up for at least a minute or two to make sure there wasn't a party going on that he had to shut down. The first years all seemed too exhausted now that it was the second semester- Louis hadn't had to break up any parties in weeks. Satisfied by the silence, Louis cuddled back up into his warm blankets, his eyelids heavy as he started to drift back asleep.

Until he heard it again.

Someone was knocking. On his door. He fumbled for his phone to check the time, the glare of the screen harsh on his sleepy eyes. Two in the morning.

Louis stumbled out of bed, trying to kick his way out of the tangle of sheets on his bed that were holding him captive.

Louis opened the door, half convinced he was still asleep when he saw him.

_Harry._

"Truce?" the green eyed boy whispered, his blanket wrapped around him so tight Louis thought it must be holding him together.

Louis just nodded, his mouth open a little, his eyes wide. He wasn't processing anything, just standing with his hand still resting on the door handle as he tried to make sense of what was going on.

"Wanna talk," Harry mumbled, bringing the blanket up to his mouth, muffling his words a bit as he spoke. "Sorry I woke you up, but I need to, I want to talk, okay? Is that okay? Not here though, can we go... I don't know, somewhere else?"

"Of course," Louis said without thinking. His mouth answered before he could make a decision, and he slipped into his well worn pair of Vans, his hands trembling a bit as he grabbed his hoodie.

"Where are we going?" Harry asked, following Louis down the hall after he'd locked up his dorm room.

"The courtyard- it's beautiful at night, I promise." Louis used to go out to the courtyard to light up with Michael, giggling about nothing until the sun came up.

The two walked side by side to the courtyard, Louis' hand naturally drifting toward Harry's before he pulled it away.

There was something ethereal about Harry in the moonlight, the way the pale glow softened his curls, caught a gentle glimmer about his skin even when he wasn't wearing makeup. His green eyes looked dark and round, and he walked out onto the grass peacefully, laying his blanket down and lying down in the middle of the empty courtyard, looking up at the stars.

"I haven't seen you in..." Louis started as he tentatively settled onto the blanket, not sure how much space he was supposed to leave between them when they were already so distanced.

"Five weeks," Harry finished. "I know."

"What have you been up to?" Louis asked, feeling a tightness in his chest as he scrambled to form a picture in his head of what Harry could have been up to for that amount of time. He just needed to know- needed to know he was okay, needed to know he was happy- Louis' steady heartbeats counted on it as their metronome.

"Therapy mostly," Harry said quietly. "Group therapy, grief counselling, stress management courses, individual therapy..." he sighed. "I'm done with the stress one now though- it was just a workshop- and the grief counselling was just for two sessions, so I'm basically doing to two hours a week right now and I want to get down to just one. And I'm taking these vitamins to balance things out a bit better, and aromatherapy for anxiety, and yoga," he smiled faintly. "Even got acupuncture to help with the nightmares... I've been pretty high maintenance lately, but I wanted to test everything out so I could learn how to take care of myself."

Louis smiled a little, relief flooding through him like a warm bath slowly filling up. Harry learning how to treat his own anxiety was a massive weight off Louis' shoulders. Whether Harry was seeing someone or not, learning how to deal with his moods on his own was important- even back when he was with Louis, it just wasn't possible for Louis to be there every moment Harry might need him. And now that Louis wasn't there for any of Harry's moods, it was comforting to know that he could take care of himself when he needed to.

"That's good that you're working on things, I'm really happy for you," Louis said.

The green eyed boy turned on his side to look at Louis, and Louis felt his breath being pulled out of his lungs, taking a moment to sculpt a sentence, the words catching in his throat and tangling in his mouth. He'd forgotten how _gorgeous_ Harry was.

"Are you doing okay with everything that happened with your dad?" Louis asked. "I wanted to call you to make sure you were okay, but Niall called me first and said you weren't comfortable talking to me," Louis drew in a deep breath. "I didn't want to make anything worse, but I just need to know if you're okay."

"Grief counselling helped," Harry said slowly. "And I went down to visit my mum and sister the other weekend, I got to visit where my dad... where he's resting. That helped. I didn't really know him though," Harry said. "So it's been strange to try and process it. Sorry about Niall, like, banning you from calling or texting me, he's been helping me work through everything. I really needed some space to work on taking care of myself."

Louis nodded, before he remembered suddenly. "Oh my God," he said, "About what I said about Niall sleeping with someone and not telling you, I didn't mean to make things weird between you two, I hope I didn't-"

"It's fine," Harry said. "We talked about it," he sighed. "And Gemma can make her own decisions... there's not much to be mad about, just- I wish he would've told me. But people don't tell me things," Harry said quietly. "Because everyone's scared I'm too breakable. Right?"

"Haz, I didn't mean it like that," Louis said, his blue eyes pleading.

"No, it's true," Harry said. "I'm working on it though."

Harry's words tingled across Louis' skin, the older boy _ached_ hearing Harry's voice again. "And how's school going? Are you keeping up with the workload?"

"I know you're a journalist, Lou," Harry said with a ghost of a smile, "But enough questions, alright? I want to hear about _you_. About what you've been through, about- God, just about _everything_ , alright? I couldn't sleep because I just needed to know... no matter how shitty things ended with us, I don't want you to spend the rest of your life thinking that someone you dated for almost six months didn't care about the things you've been through. I just don't want you to remember me like that- don't want you to remember _us_ like that. I want to listen now, Lou. I'm ready."

"I don't know if that's-"

"Tell me everything... _please_ ," he whispered, moving a little closer to Louis, careful to keep some space between the two, although they were close enough now that Louis could practically feel Harry's warmth seeping into his skin.

"I don't know where to start," Louis admitted, letting out a small sigh.

Harry bit his lip thoughtfully, twisting the braided hem of the blanket between his fingertips. "You binge eat," he whispered, his voice turning up in the end almost in a question. "We've never... we've never talked about that."

"I started that when I was starting high school," Louis said, but it didn't feel like an answer, and he was going to add just a little more on, but it started to tumble out. "My parents were fighting and it was hard to fit in at the new school and the teachers kept putting so much pressure on us... and food just helped fill something empty I guess. I used to eat when I got home from school, I was always too nervous to eat during lunchtime at school, but I'd be so hungry by the time I got home, I'd just, I mean, I'd really eat _everything_... just cheezie crackers and Oeros and and those little crisp packets," Louis' voice shook a little as he spoke. "Same sort of stuff I eat now when I'm, when I'm like that. I had _so_ much food under my bed, in my closet... it was disgusting, honestly."

Harry was listening quietly, his eyes wide and patient. "Did you ever throw up from it?" he asked softly.

"Yeah, I didn't really do that until..." Louis cut himself off. "I don't know if you want to hear this," he said. "This is probably a stupid idea," he muttered, sitting up, getting ready to leave.

Harry looked up at him, his eyes urgent and pleading. "You're not leaving until I've heard everything," Harry insisted. "I want to understand you."

"Okay," Louis said, taking a slow breath as he laid back down. "Okay," he repeated, closing his eyes a little, not wanting to have to watch Harry's reaction. "I made myself get sick for the first time when I was sixteen, and it was a few days after-" he squeezed his eyes shut tighter, trying to pretend he was just laying there with Liam, but he hadn't even told Liam all of this before.

Louis took a shaky breath and continued. "It was a few days after I lost my virginity," he said, rushing through the sentence, like that might make it less true.

Harry blinked slowly, but kept himself from reacting, quietly listening to Louis.

"He, he was really quite fit, you know? He was really into sports and stuff and we had this project we were supposed to work on together... and he brought me home when his parents weren't there and I'd never been with a boy before, and it was overwhelming so I just... I said yes, I thought if I said no maybe no one else would want me again- like maybe that would be my only chance? And no one- _no one_ \- knew he was gay, but everyone knew I was. So I told my friend, my best friend at the time, that I'd slept with him. And she- she told people?" Louis stammered, his voice rising as he tried not to cry, making everything sound like a question.

Harry bit his lower lip, his eyes wide as he listened to Louis ramble.

"And everyone was talking about it and talking about 'why would he sleep with _Louis_ of all people' and they were laughing, I know they were _laughing_ ," he said, his voice about an octave higher as he tried not to cry. "And I thought that it was because I was chubby? So I felt really gross every time I would binge eat after school and then, I, I-" Louis stuttered. "I thought I could just make it go away."

"I'm _so_ sorry," Harry whispered. "Is it any better lately?"

"Well I got a bit better when I got here," Louis said. "But the stress and the fact that I was in charge of all my meals... that's just hard you know? My parents used to buy the food and do the cooking and everything and then all of a sudden I got here and it was kind of up to me what to eat every day and that's a lot of pressure, you know? I have to think about food every day whether I want to or not."

"That must be hard," Harry said softly.

Louis squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. "I got really bad at the start of second year, and Liam helped me gain the weight back, went to the gym with me to make sure I didn't overdo it." Louis sighed.

"How have you been the past," Harry swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat, "the past few weeks?" he finished quietly.

_How have you been doing since I left you?_

_How bad did I hurt you?_

Louis took a slow breath. "Not... I mean, not _good_ ," he admitted, and closed his eyes to try and block out the horrible images, the white knuckles on white porcelain, his hands holding himself in one piece. "But not too bad," he added. Truthfully, he'd only had maybe two or three bad nights since Harry left, but Louis was used to having a bad day every few weeks so it wasn't anything he couldn't handle.

"Is that why you slept with a lot of guys?" Harry asked, not judgmental, just curious.

"Is that what?" Louis sputtered. Even after him and Harry had started having sex, Harry never wanted to talk about who Louis had been with, just wanting to know if he was clean but not wanting any other details.

"I hear the comments you and Liam make sometimes, and the things Niall warns me about, I know there's been... a lot," Harry said slowly. "You were crying about it I think, when you came to my room drunk that night? It was hard to tell, but it didn't sound like something you did just because you liked it, it felt like there was a reason why you did."

"I mean, I guess it was just nice to feel..." Louis trailed off.

"Wanted?" Harry supplied.

"Yeah," Louis whispered. "Especially after what happened in high school, I got to college, and I wanted everyone to want to be with me, to not be ashamed of being with me, you know? God it sounds so stupid," Louis said, clenching his jaw and squeezing his eyes shut.

"Am I allowed to ask how many people?" Harry asked carefully.

"Please please don't," Louis whispered, his voice rising a bit in panic. "Please, I don't want to-"

"Shhh, it's okay, I don't need to know, Lou... it doesn't change anything about you," Harry soothed.

"I just feel," Louis drew in a sharp breath. "Just feel so _used_ sometimes." He moved his hands to cover his stomach, and Harry saw the connection for the first time. He'd spent so long stressing about not having enough experience for Louis' taste, thinking that Louis had slept with that many guys because he _could_ , because he wasn't as _anxious_ about everything as Harry was, when in reality, Louis was maybe just as anxious as him, but in his own way; treating his insecurities about his body for validation through sex.

"You're not used," Harry insisted.

"I was drunk a lot of the time," Louis confessed. "Not just a few drinks, like the kind of drunk where you can't walk and you don't remember things the next morning."

"People shouldn't have-"

"I know," Louis said quietly. "I know."

Louis shivered a little bit, tugging his hoodie closer to his body.

"You're amazing, you know that right?" Harry said.

"No, I'm-" Louis sighed. "You don't have to."

"You're beautiful, alright?" Harry said. "The first day I met you, I remember thinking about how gorgeous you were and how funny and charming you were, and I was so attracted to you I just couldn't stop thinking about you... _God_ , you were so _much_ , you were the brightest thing in any room you were in. And it's not just the way you look, it's the way you _listen_ and the way you laugh, and the way you're so gentle and so full of life. You're better than how all those guys treated you," Harry said. "You're better than how I treated you."

Louis' eyes watered a little bit as he bit down on his trembling lip.

"I'm so sorry," Harry offered.

"Me too," Louis whispered. "I know I fucked up a lot of times and I'm so sorry about it, H, you deserve better."

"Just want to start over," Harry murmured, and Louis ached to touch him, just to run his fingers along his wrist, rest his hand on his chest. But the two hadn't touched since Harry had shown up at Louis' door.

There was too much space between them.

"Would you do it different?" Louis asked. "If we got to go back to the first day?"

"Yeah," Harry said quietly.

"Me too," Louis whispered.

He was swallowed up by every small movement Harry made, every delicate tremble and the slow spilling over of the tide in his wide green eyes. The whole night sky was shifting above them and Harry was still the one who felt endless.

"But I guess it doesn't work that way does it?" Harry asked, his green eyes searching Louis', two twin emeralds lost at sea.

"I guess it doesn't."

* * * * * 

The two lay in silence for a moment, rising chests and falling stars. 

"You don't have anywhere you have to be, do you?" Louis asked, his eyes glimmering a little bit.

"At what- like three in the morning?" Harry asked with a smile, sniffling a little and trying to stop the little tears that had prickled up when Louis was telling Harry about his past. "I mean, my schedule's pretty tight, but I think it should be fine," he said with a small laugh. 

"Well, come on, Styles," Louis said, getting up off the blanket. "I want to take you somewhere special." 

"You're not going to murder me are you?" Harry asked, his eyes narrowing as he tried not to laugh. 

"I'm too tired to murder you," Louis said, rolling his eyes with a small smile. 

He offered his hand to help Harry up, and Harry looked at it for a moment before he stretched out his now trembling hand to grab it. 

The first time he'd touched Louis in five weeks. 

Louis' hand was warm as he pulled Harry up off the blanket, and Harry tried to memorize the feel of Louis' skin against his- it was a little rougher than Harry's (Louis didn't have a medicine cabinet stuffed full of different moisturizers the way Harry did, and hadn't even _heard_ of exfoliating until he'd met Harry, who had four different kinds of sugar scrubs on hand at all times), but it was always warmer. Louis always let Harry squeeze on as tight as he needed to, and when he was anxious, sometimes that meant squeezing so tight Harry worried he might break something- but Louis was always comforting, whispering, warm and pressed against Harry ' _Come on, kitten, need you to squeeze my hand as hard as it hurts. Can you do that for me love?'._

After Harry stood up, he held onto Louis' hand a little longer than he needed to, before stooping down to pick up his blanket. 

"Where are you taking me?" Harry asked, trying to process the loss of Louis' hand holding his. He felt colder, even with the blanket now wrapped around his shoulders. 

"It's like this place in the middle of the woods," Louis said. "I know, I know, sounds boring, but I promise it's nice." 

Harry wriggled his eyebrows. "Middle of the woods, you say? No witnesses in the forest." 

Louis laughed as he lead Harry down a small trail. "Has anyone ever told you you watch too many crime shows?" 

"Niall got me hooked," Harry admitted. "Literally all we've been doing for the past month besides studying and the complete therapy overload. Don't know why he thought watching people get brutally murdered was the way to cope with grief, but weirdly it helped. A little scarring at times though," he mused. "You ever see the CSI one where they squeeze the toothpaste right out of her-"

"Nope nope _nope_ ," Louis said, pushing a tree branch out of their path. "CSI can be you and Niall's thing."

Harry giggled, wrapping the blanket tighter around him as the started in on the trail, dark except for the pale moonlight that lit their way through the trees.

"Also, if you could stop killing the mood with your gory CSI, Law and Order, crime bullshit-"

"Didn't know you were trying to set a mood for something," Harry murmured coyly, biting his lip, sucking on his lip piercing a little. 

"I- I just, I meant-" Louis stammered. 

Harry's heart fluttered, and he could feel his stomach swooping. Mostly because of being next to Louis, but also partly because he lost his footing on the uneven path. 

"Sorry, this part's kind of rocky, do you want to...?" Louis asked, holding out his hand as an offering.  

Harry nodded, and laced his fingers with Louis, letting the older boy lead him along. 

"Almost there, don't worry," Louis promised a moment later, and Harry felt a little disappointed that he might have to let go of Louis' hand soon.

"Oh my _God,"_ Harry exhaled. 

"Careful ba-" Louis cleared his throat. "Careful, Harry," he corrected. "Pretty isn't it?" Louis asked softly. 

Harry nodded, bringing his thumb up to his mouth, like he sometimes did out of habit when he got overwhelmed. His other hand was still holding on tight to Louis'. 

They were standing maybe fifteen feet away from the edge of a small precipice, and Harry could see the water rushing by, dipping over a sharp rock to form a break in the stream that seemed almost like a waterfall. 

"Do you wanna get any closer or is this good?" Louis asked, and Harry's curls bounced as he nodded, holding Louis' hand a little tighter when they got closer to the edge. 

Louis sat down a few feet from the edge, and Harry sat down next to him. 

"Are you going to say anything, or are you too speechless?" Louis teased gently, as Harry curved up against his side. 

"I think my dad... I think he took me somewhere like this when I was little," Harry said softly. 

"Did he?" Louis asked gently, rubbing soothing patterns onto Harry's hand with his thumb. 

"Yeah," Harry whispered, squeezing onto Louis' hand. 

 _Come on, kitten, need you to squeeze my hand as hard as it hurts... Can you do that for me love...?_   

"Are you okay?" Louis asked. "Everything with your dad? I know it's hard, I know it's a lot to take in."

Harry sniffled a little and nodded. "I'm fine, it's fine, I shouldn't be upset about it anyway." 

"Of course you can be upset," Louis said. "It's normal, Haz." 

"But my sister hated him and she's older than me, she knew him longer. And my mom, she didn't want him around us anymore, and he was scary at the end, but I still had good memories and I feel like I'm not _supposed_ to," he admitted, the words coming out in a jumble. 

"Did he hurt you?" Louis asked, blue eyes searching Harry's carefully. 

"No," Harry said, sniffling, rubbing his nose on his sleeve. "It was a drug thing, I think. My mom doesn't talk about him much, I don't know much more than that. But I don't really remember him as being that bad but I've heard things."

"He might have been a good person in a bad place," Louis said. "You haven't seen him since you were little right? Maybe he turned out alright in the end." 

"I don't know," Harry mumbled. "Probably best that he didn't know me once I got older. I feel like he would have been disappointed in me for being bi, for having this stupid anxiety, for wearing makeup sometimes, for-" 

"Hey," Louis said, gently cupping Harry's chin with his hand. "Don't do that, okay? Don't put down those parts of you, I love all those things, alright?" 

Harry shivered a little bit and Louis kissed him on the forehead, lips warm against Harry's cool skin. 

"No one is ever all good or all bad," Louis said softly. "You're allowed to miss him, even if you barely knew him. He was your dad, even if he wasn't a very good one." 

"It helped to see the grave," Harry murmured, tucking himself against Louis' chest. "I brought him roses, he tried to help me plant a rose garden in the backyard when I was a kid because they were my favourite... ever since I watched Beauty and the Beast," Harry smiled faintly.

"Is that what that means?" Louis asked, gesturing to Harry's arm. "The tattoo?"

Harry nodded, his fingers brushing over where the design was.

The two sat in silence, listening to the gentle rush of water beneath them, Harry's eyes fluttering closed as he curved closer into Louis' chest, lulled by his steady heartbeat, taking in his familiar smell, memorizing the comforting warmth of his skin. 

"Do you think..." Harry started, but cut himself off. 

"What is it?" Louis asked. "You can tell me anything." 

"Do you think we would be different if we tried this again?" Harry asked. 

He felt Louis tense up a little as the words came out. 

"What?" Louis asked, his voice rising about an octave. 

"I miss us," Harry said, nuzzling his cheek against Louis' collarbone. "I miss laughing about things with you, I miss holding each other, I miss hearing your stories... it's not just me is it?" Harry asked, pulling away from Louis , his eyebrows pulling together in concern. "Please say something, I don't want to be making a total arse of myself if you don't feel it too- I'm sorry if it's just me, it's probably just me, I mean you probably don't-"

Louis cut off Harry's rambling lips with his own, steady and warm, and more than a little frantic. Harry couldn't tell who was crying, but he felt warm tears brush against his cheek, and Louis tasted so familiar, and his mouth was so fucking _good_ , and Louis' hand was in his hair, and oh _God_ Harry was scared to breathe in case this was their last kiss. 

Harry whimpered when Louis pulled away, his chest still rising and falling sharply as he tried to recover from the feverish kiss. 

"I did miss you," Louis said quietly, looking out over the water. "A lot." 

Harry was aching to say something, but he didn't know if Louis was done yet or not. 

"And I love you so much," he added. "So fucking much, H." 

"But...?" Harry prompted, feeling his heart sinking, tossing around in the waves beneath them. 

"You _left_ me," Louis said. "I just-" he took a slow breath and wrapped his arms around his stomach. "What if you _leave_ me again?" 

"I love you," Harry insisted, green eyes pleading. "I'm _not_ going to leave you." 

"You loved me the first time around too," Louis pointed out, his eyes welling up. "Didn't stop you then." 

"I'm _sorry_ ," Harry whined, his voice rising in pitch as he started to cry. "I don't want this to end, _please._ " 

"It already ended," Louis said, sniffling as he rubbed his nose on his sweater sleeve, his hands shaking as he tried to stop the tears from pooling in his eyes. "We'd just have the same fucking problems anyway."

" _No_ ," Harry said, running his hands through his hair a little too roughly, needing to feel something. He was floating away, everything felt hazy except _Louis Louis Louis,_ he needed him like he needed oxygen and his lungs were _aching_. "I've done everything I can to get my anxiety under control, I'm ready to listen to every single thing you have to say even if it's overwhelming, I never want you to feel like you can't tell me things again. And I'm not gonna rely on you to take care of me anymore, we won't be so dependent, Lou! I've done a month on my own and I did really well, I can take care of myself now, I know how to be alone and I can be independent, but I still want to be with you. You just need to be open with me and I'll be open with you and it'll be-" 

"It'll be what?" Louis snapped, his voice raspy as he tried to stop himself from crying. " _Perfect?_  I can't be your perfect boyfriend, Haz, it drove me crazy. I have problems, you have problems. We're never gonna be a perfect couple." 

"I don't need us to be perfect," Harry said softly. "I just need us to be... _us_. You and me, Louis, we're a _team_ , okay?"

Louis sniffled and whimpered a little as his tears turned into heavy sobs, his shoulders shaking as he gasped a little for air. 

"I love you," Harry said, his green eyes searching Louis'. "We're not going to be perfect, but I want to be with you anyway. I know we had a bad start, everything was too fast and everything was just, just bad _timing_  but I love you I fucking love you so much it hurts. Let's _please_  start over, Louis." Harry begged. "Please just tell me you want that. We both fucked it up the first time. _Please_ , Louis. Let's just start from the beginning."

"You broke my fucking heart," Louis choked out. 

"Squeeze," Harry whispered, offering out his hand. "As hard as it hurts." 

* * * * * * * 

Harry's hands trembled as he tried to unlock his dorm room. 

 _"Well, goodnight,"_ Harry had said gently as they stood in front of Louis' door, tipping his head down slightly- instinctively- like he used to when Louis was going to kiss him. 

 _"Take care of yourself, yeah?"_ Louis said, his hands the pockets of his sweatpants, lips pursed tightly together, the way he always did when he wasn't saying something he wanted to say. 

He wasn't unlocking the door, he wasn't asking Harry if he wanted to stay the night. 

Harry's eyes searched Louis' for a few aching moments before he nodded and headed back outside, toward his residence building, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and try and muffle out his thoughts in a mountain of pillows. 

Not that he even could open the fucking door. 

Harry's keys dropped out of his hands and he took a shaky breath, pressing his palms flat against the door as he took a moment. He didn't _want_ to be in his dorm room, it didn't feel like home to him. No matter how many posters he tacked up on the walls, it just never felt like he belonged there. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, thinking about texting Niall, but he couldn't find a reason to wake Niall up at this hour in the morning. He wasn't panicking, he wasn't anxious... he was just... _sad._

And he knew then that he wanted Louis. Not because he was anxious, not to solve some sort of panic attack, not to comfort him, and not because he _needed_  him, but because he wanted to be with him. He would be okay without him, but _okay_ was nothing compared to the light Louis brought to his life. 

Louis was homemade chocolate chips cookies when they were snowed in, Louis was the thrilling feeling of kissing in the pouring rain, Louis was little fireflies flickering to life in the heat of the summer, Louis was that one song on a road trip that slowed time and made you feel infinite. 

Louis was home. 

Louis was also probably sleeping by now, and wouldn't appreciate Harry knocking on his door for the second time that night. 

Harry picked up his keys and slipped into his room quietly, shamelessly scrolling through pictures of Louis on his Facebook page until his eyes squinted shut against the brightness of the screen and he fell asleep, his phone dropping onto the pillow next to him. 

* * * * * * * * * * 

Harry stepped out of the stuffy lecture hall and into the gentle springtime air. 

Someone bumped into him and Harry turned around, expecting to see someone rushing on their way to class, but seeing- 

"Lou-" Harry started but his voice cut out. 

"Hi, I'm Louis," Louis said, pushing his fringe out his eyes. "Louis Tomlinson." 

Harry's mouth was open a little, and he didn't know what to reply because he didn't understand what was happening. 

"I'm sorry, I just saw you from across the courtyard and I wanted to say hi." Louis raised an eyebrow, the gently curve arching slightly. "You are...?" he prompted, his blue eyes dancing, mischievous. 

"H-Harry," Harry stammered. "Mm name's Harry," he repeated, scrambling for words as he started to catch on.

_Would you do it different? If we got to go back to the first day?_

"Well, Harry, it was nice to _meet_ you," Louis winked. 

"We should go for coffee sometime," Harry blurted out. 

"Hm... quite forward," Louis smiled playfully. "I like that in a man." 

Harry was practically trembling. "Please can we? I'd really, I want to... I mean, if you want to-" 

"Sounds perfect, love," Louis said gently.

"Good," Harry smiled, his nervous energy coming out in little giggles. 

"Oh, and one more thing..." Louis said, fishing through the pocket of his jeans. "I found this the other day, I didn't know if it belonged to you, or...?"

Louis held up the thin gold chain in between his fingers, the delicate swallow charm shivering in the breeze. 

He blue eyes were steady on Harry's as he held the necklace forward. 

An offering. 

"Yeah, that's, that's mine," Harry said. "That's mine," he repeated, wanted to make sure Louis knew, how much he wanted this, wanted this more than anything. "I can't believe I let it go," he added. "I really love that necklace, a lot." 

"Just don't lose it this time, yeah?" Louis said softly, looking vulnerable, but looking hopeful. 

"I'll take good care of it," Harry said. "Won't lose it again."

Louis smiled, trying to contain it, but his eyes were crinkling as he handed Harry the delicate piece of jewelry. 

"So coffee tonight then?" Harry asked hopefully. 

"Yeah," Louis smiled. "Yeah, I'd like that." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this whole thing, it means a lot to me! :)   
> If you liked the story, please give it kudos or leave a comment (please be kind in the comments, it's my first fic on here)!   
> I'd also really appreciate it if you could share it on your Tumblr or on any fic rec blogs if you'd like to :) 
> 
> Anyway, that's all for now, although there should be an epilogue in a while :)


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